Hands up!

Someone please put Club Med World under arrest

by SARAH MUSGRAVE

I'm not going to bemoan the loss of the Loews. Things change after all, and Ste-Catherine street is supposedly revelling in a renaissance. But even my cynical attitude did not prepare me for what awaited at Club Med World, another of those new downtown venues hell-bent on bringing the soulless suburbs to the city core.

Designed so that local folk can take a mini-vacation, this urban resort concept is basically three food and drink areas: a wine-bar terrasse, a basement tapas bar and my dubious destination for the evening, a four-floor Mediterranean restaurant called L'Oliveraie, overlooking a cavernous stage. The menu is strictly table d'hôte ($38.25), but it includes a lengthy list of offerings. You get a mezze of mostly Greek appetizers, soup or salad, a choice of two main courses (the portions are smaller), two side dishes of the starch and vegetable variety, dessert and coffee.

After ordering, we took in the surroundings. My friend's word for it: incongruous. Mine: pepper. On stage, men dressed as ballet dancers frolicked to canned Celine Dion tunes. An enormous screen showed a subtitled Musimax documentary about Chrissie Hynde while terrible techno blared so loud over the sound system we couldn't talk across the table. Grand old theatre architecture was juxtaposed with a climbing wall, track lights and garish colours.

The arrival of the appetizers gave us some hope. The three-pronged platters had a whole lot of stuff to sample, and for the most part it was authentic: tzatziki with fresh cucumbers and lots of garlic, deliciously rich and smoky eggplant caviar and nicely seasoned mini-patties of beef tartare. We also had taramosalata, hummus, tuna carpaccio topped with Parmesan shavings and pine nuts, grilled red peppers, goat cheese and tomato bruschetta with toasted bread.

The soup (beef and barley) and salad (upscale cafeteria) were unremarkable, but if there'd been anything to say about them we couldn't have heard each other. The "concert live" had begun! With the overwrought antics of the most desperate Karaoke performer, two girls in silver go-go boots and awful diagonal-cut white dresses (so unflattering you could see cordless mic packs and panty lines) belted out hits. We watched and winced.

The main courses weren't quite as amateur as the show but hardly successful, even with two options on each plate. The tightly bound tournedos of salmon adorned with candied lime was inedible--none of the flaky, moist delicateness that the fish is all about. In comparison, the lamb was exceedingly tender and the rosemary sauce very tasty. The side dishes were palatable: a mound of exotically spiced couscous with plump raisins and a ratatouille of herbs and vegetables simmered in their own juices.

My friend's chicken breast was melt-in-your-mouth tender, almost suspiciously so given that the mushroom and olive sauce didn't display a lot of skill. His other choice of shrimp with almonds, mayo and red pepper was very Captain Highliner goes tempura, crunchy and breaded. Again, the accompaniments were better: a handful of wee potatoes and nicely cooked asparagus spears.

If the meal itself wasn't enough to make us queasy, by dessert (mousses or fruit salad) a rousing rendition of "Hands Up" was unfolding on the stage below. One GO (Gentil Organisateur) pulled his leather pants high over his crotch, thrusted to the music and shouted "I love my job!" over and over. Around him fellow employees went through painful dance routines, while a crowd of secretaries, CÉGEP swingers and other unfortunates tried to keep up with the choreography.

We all want Montreal to thrive, but not at any cost. Even worthless beads would be too much to pay for a night here.

Club Med World

Address: 954 Ste-Catherine W.

Phone: 878-2633

Hours: kitchen from 11:30am-10pm, 11pm weekends

Best features: Ask a secretary from Ste-Eustache

Vegetarian friendly: no

Credit cards: yes

Wheelchair access: no

Alcohol: yes

Price: $34.25 member/$38.25 non-member without tax, drinks or tip

Rating: H out of HHHH