This week: Smack Daddy J, Ozzy, Diaper Boy, rabbits!

Plus: A glisten of skin!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

A comment to those people whining about the closing of Jailhouse. I'm an UNEMPLOYED GUY who lives in the area and would like to say that I am one of many here who are definitely not yuppies. Jailhouse was a great noise-polluter and problem-maker and people who live in the area who are low income or unemployed, like me, are very happy that it's gone and with it, all those persons causing problems. Maybe it's because the caller had been smoking too much MARIJUANA that he didn't understand how big a problem the Jailhouse was. Me, I can't even afford that. Thanks a lot. [BLEEP!]

F

In regards to the girl who likes to breakdance to hip hop as opposed to break beats. I just don't understand why other people gotta get all nasty on her. The girl just wants to break to hip hop, okay? Maybe I don't like hip hop but, who cares, she does. So, like, chill, son. You're not ILLER than everybody else. You can't walk around saying, "You don't know hip hop like I know hip hop, I know everything, I am the grand master of the world." And, by the way, I'd just like to mention that I like to breakdance to Slayer and GWAR and I thought the break in breakdance meant breaking people's legs. That's all. [BLEEP!]

M

Speaking of breakdance, does anybody know where I can find the movie Breaking? You know, the one with Turbo and Ozone? I've got Part 2 but I'd like to have Part 1. So if you have any idea who has it or where I can get it, let me know. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, well, I'm fed up with this DJ scene in Montreal, man. This is ridiculous. Ridiculous, ridiculous! This stuff is way over-rated. These people who stand behind two turntables and hundreds of other people just WATCH them!! They have absolutely no substance. I'm bored. This is Frenchie signing off. I'm fed up of DJs, man, get the real music happening. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I'd like to know if Absolute Jones is still out there. Absolute Jones. They were a group and they used to do the club circuit. They were sort of an R&B group and they were all black musicians. They had an amazing female singer. Are they still around or under another name? Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, what's up, Rant Line(TM)? This is Smack Daddy J of the Wannabe Porn Stars. I just want to send a message to all those clubbing girls out there. Bend over because first we let the Greeks take over and then we're coming after you. [BLEEP!]

M

Ozzy still fucking rules, man. Hear this? [Puts receiver to some Ozzy music] Even though he's old and dirty, he still rules. Yeah. [BLEEP!]

M

The theft of bicycles is something that was previously illegal, but it looks like the City of Montreal likes to steal bikes at the beginning of every winter season. What I mean is this: the city does not put the date on those stationary-bike-lock things, letting people know when they will be removing them. So what happens is a person leaves their apartment to go unlock their bike on Park Avenue and, BOOM, the whole fucking thing is gone--the rack, the bike, everything. Now who do I call to get my bike back and who am I gonna have to pay? How come the people in power have the right to do things that the rest of us--i.e. people with no money--are not allowed to do? And why is it that you passive motherfuckers are sitting back and not doing anything about it? People, stand up, get pissed off, say "I want my bike!" What is wrong with this city!? What is wrong with this planet!? [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. My name is Al. I was just wondering what happened to our old friend and pal, Diaper Boy. We wanna hear from you, buddy. [BLEEP!]

M

I'm a guy who lives on Hutchison with my roommates. We have a neighbour next door and I just want her to read this rant. You take your goddamned SHOWER in the bathroom and the window always FOGS up. I hate it when it fogs up because we can see nothing but fog and a glisten of skin. So why don't you take off your goddamned fog so we can see you, all right? Take off the fog! [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. This message isn't about skunks. It's actually about RABBITS. I found a rabbit, of all places, in the middle of the road on St-Marc on October 31. I'm hoping this is an accident and that it got away. It's an angora, definitely someone's pet and if you want to meet outside Jean-Coutu next Saturday around 3 p.m. with your rabbit cage, I'll hopefully see you there. I'm gonna put some signs up on telephone poles. Anyone with a rabbit cage who comes by who answers questions right and who I believe, you can have your rabbit back. Okay, thanks. [BLEEP!]

M

Can somebody out there tell me how I can remove my TATTOO for cheap? Thanks. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum