Herr Fahrvergnügen

>> German driving instructor keeps mum on how he chills out jumpy students

by CHRIS BARRY
photo by JASON FELKER

Name: Hans Hagen

Age: 55

Occupation: Driving instructor

Salary: Approximately $18 an hour.

Bio: This feisty German national and Hampstead resident has been working as a driving instructor for the past 17 years. A former professional musician on the local bar circuit, Hans used to drive the fans wild with his rip-roaring bass stylings before giving it all up for the relative security of driving school. "People want to see young people on the stage. Once I reached a certain age I felt it was wise to get out of the music business." Now the owner of Académie Standard and the West Island Motor League driving schools, Hans' specialty is working with extremely nervous students and he's rumoured to be able to teach even the most retarded idiot how to drive and ace his or her SAAQ test. He wears Calvin Klein Eternity cologne.

On why his patented teaching method is so effective with high-strung students: "I'm more of a disciplinarian than a cheerleader. I don't want to get into the specifics of my technique because the competition will be reading this and you can't be too careful. But people have to find it within themselves to become good drivers. They need to continually repeat the mantra, 'I can do it.'"

Does his well-guarded technique to calm down panicky students also involve tranquilizers? No.

Do any of his students ever develop crushes on him? Not so much. "Maybe they see me as an idol but they don't really get crushes on me."

The oldest student he ever taught: An 85-year-old woman. "Once I showed her my technique she was like a child in a candy store. She didn't want to stop driving. I had shown her something completely new."

Was the new thing Hans showed her called a rearview mirror? No.

An accelerator? No.

Has anybody ever gotten a ticket while learning to drive with Hans? Yes, twice, but both times the students went to court and beat their tickets. "Cops want to show people who's boss and don't care who they give a ticket to. I think some of them would probably even give a ticket to their own mothers!"

What he feels would be a good highway speed limit: 130 km an hour.

Something that he does on the side: Designs novelty souvenir items like coffee mugs that say "Montreal" on them. "But I never get to finish anything because I'm always too busy teaching people how to drive."

Television preferences: Hans likes to watch PBS. Particularly Nova, Frontline and Great Performances. He also enjoys watching hockey, baseball and football games. "But I really don't like basketball."

Musical preferences: George Shearing, Nat King Cole, Sinatra, James Last. "James Last is great for sing-a-longs."

One of his favourite films of all time: The Glen Miller Story.

Last book read: "I can't remember what the title is, but the book deals with male menopause and how fragile men can be. It's in German and it's good advice for men."

One book he really likes: Think and Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill. "This is one of the greatest books there is."

Words of wisdom: "What goes around comes around. If you send out positive thoughts they will come back to you." :

Comments? dimwit@openface.ca