This week: Nice girls, little sluts, reptile contact lenses!

Plus: In praise of the electric eye toilet bowl!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

Yeah, I've got a comment on the Montreal hip hop scene. I breakdance and I moved here a month ago thinking how dope it was going to be. Well, all the kids here who breakdance, they listen to break beats, they don't listen to hip hop, you know? Where are the kids who wanna break to hip hop or do graffiti all together in one place and join forces so we can really be a hip hop scene? I don't wanna hear break beats when I go dancing, I wanna hear hip hop. That's what it's about. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

Okay, my rant is about Montreal clubs today. Don't get me wrong--there are a lot of good clubs and there are a lot of good DJs. But once you get out to a club, you walk inside and you see all these old men GROPING all over these young girls and drinks are $5-7 a glass. That's crazy! You can go to SAQ and buy a bottle for 20 bucks--you wanna go out and buy a glass for $7?! Plus, the bouncers outside are always causing trouble. And then you have a whole bunch of little French girls inside dressed like LITTLE SLUTS. You know, the club scene is just getting really bad, you know? [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, it's funny how gays want people to treat them like they're normal people--like the rest of us heterosexuals--because they want to feel accepted and because we shouldn't judge them by what they do in the bedroom. So I don't understand why there has to be a 2006 Gay Olympics. It doesn't make sense. Handicaps have their own Olympics. Why? Because they can't compete with normal people. Do gays and homosexuals want us to treat them as if they're handicapped? They have their own Gay Village, now their own Olympics? Excuse me? [BLEEP!]

M

All right, people. This is a message for society in general. We have to unite and we have to rally for free oxygen, for free water, for free free free whatever else. Food, water and oxygen. We gotta rally, we gotta complain to the government and we gotta fuck authority. That's all I'm saying, y'all. Free oxygen, free water, motherfuckers. [BLEEP!]

M

This is a big shout out to the two DRUNK teenage girls I saw making out on the metro the other night. If you don't want people to stare at you, you probably shouldn't wear reptile contact lenses in your eyes. If it's for show, then it ain't for the metro. Yo. [BLEEP!]

F

Everyone's always talking about nice guys--well, what about NICE GIRLS? All I want is a chill guy who will smoke pot with me and drink me under the table. Who won't freak out when I whisper "I love you" after four hours of immaculate sex and who won't stop it halfway through because it's too intense. What's up, warriors? You can't meet a princess by breaking the hearts of queens. There are thousands of women you can chase. Some of us just wanna be the girl you laugh with. [BLEEP!]

M

This is for the guy who's wondering how the hell a quadriplegic can point. Well, all I can tell you is Christopher Reeve, who used to be the big almighty Superman, went on record in a TV interview to say that, after his accident, he learned that his willie had a mind of his own. Maybe that's how a quadriplegic can point, too. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

I wanted to say that that electric eye toilet bowl thing is really good because I'm really tired of seeing other people's shit. I don't know if this is just girls doing this, but people like to take these GIANT DUMPS and then not flush them. What are they leaving them there for? To show off their prize or something like that? This happens in elementary schools, I can understand. In high school, well, you should be growing out of it. But when it happens in universities and in business places that I go to work at, I don't understand. People, please, after you finish inspecting your shit--or whatever you do with it--just flush it because I don't wanna look at it. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

To the guy who wants to see a chiropractor for his sore leg. Buddy, you're wasting your time. Chiropractors know jack about EXTREMITIES. You wanna go see an athletic therapist. They're hot shit, they're working with all the pro teams and they're where it's at. They'll help you get over your sore leg. Promise. [BLEEP!]

M

Uh yeah, I'd just like to know if there are any CARD PLAYERS out there anymore--besides at the casino. Everybody that I know in this city, well, they're either on their cell phone or on the Internet or watching TV. I'm just wondering if there's anybody out there who'd like to play a good game of poker, asshole, or euchre. I'm not good at euchre, but I used to be and I know some people who are. So, uh, what the hell, is there anybody out there who likes to play cards? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum