The One to not watch

>> Jet Li's latest is a big zero

by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

Look, I failed Grade 9 math twice and never made it anywhere near a physics classroom, so the scientific validity of The One is lost on me. This latest vehicle for baby-faced Chinese action icon Jet Li posits the idea that there are dozens of universes existing simultaneously. By harnessing the power of black holes or wormholes or loopholes or something, one can go from universe to universe, killing one's own alter egos and becoming as godlike as the potatoes at Pine Pizza.

I imagine that in some bizarre alternate universe, Li actually did sign on for the two Matrix sequels, catapulting him to the godlike level of superstardom reserved for, say, Ah-nuld. But here in our imperfect reality, Li instead finds himself trapped in the neo-B-movie zone. A sci-fi script that would make Stephen Hawking stand up and bellow is coupled with special effects embarrassingly derivative of the innovations The Matrix brought around.

The storyline seems to have been harvested from the back of Jean-Claude Van Damme's fridge. In fact, it could pass for an unholy union of two particular Van Damme flicks, Timecop and Double Impact. Li plays Gabe Yulaw, in one universe an L.A. county sheriff's officer and in all the others an autocidal, megalomaniac ex-astrocop who absorbs the strength and speed of each himself that he kills. The good Gabe is the last man standing between the bad Gabe and the end of reality as we know it! Imagine the white-knuckle tension!

Hot on the bad Gabe's trail are two grizzled cosmo-cops, played by Delroy Lindo and Jason Statham. The latter is best known for his roles in Guy Ritchie's Brit-grit blowouts Snatch and Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels. Between this new flick and Ghosts of Mars, he seems to be reconstructing himself as the hard-nosed space cop who doesn't play by the rules. The lawless frontier of space needs more like you, mate!

In short, pass on The One or watch your money, time and patience vanish into a black hole. Hold out for the Matrix sequels (word is that Michelle Yeoh is on board!) and for The First King, Li's forthcoming, high-profile return to the universe he knows best--the silk-'n'-swordplay of the Chinese historical epic.

The One opens Friday, Nov. 2