This week: Lascivious chiropractors, Mike Bullard, the Box!

Plus: Psychic warns of impending doom!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

You want an opinion on the music scene in Montreal, okay? There's a lot happening right now. Underground bands are doing very interesting things but they don't come off as well as they're supposed to. Here in Montreal a lot of people are just copying other bands instead of creating. Let's start improving the music. And LOOKS are important too, so people who want to give something to the fans have to think about that as well. The grunge days are over, man. Let's get creative. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, everyone. I just want to know if anyone knows what's opening where Jailhouse Rock used to be? That's it. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M

They should have turned the Jailhouse Rock into a national historical site. It's where the Box did their final gig! Man, them closing it down is like walking, walking on the tightrope of insanity! [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, my rant is for the people who are dissing all the psychics in the world. First of all, presidents of all countries and ministers and all those people, do use psychics. Not all psychics are out of tune. I, myself, knew that events of 9-11 were coming. It was just a matter of when, but I knew something was coming by the end of this year. And I'll tell you something else. I also know that there's a lot more coming, honey. In the next 10 years, you're not gonna be ready for what's coming and, believe me, I know and I'm not afraid because I know. And if you wanna know, maybe you should stop dissing psychics and discover that part of yourself and start working with it because, believe me, change is in your face today. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this is for the straight guy in the Village who's being stalked by a quadriplegic. How the hell does a quadriplegic point? Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M

In a world of starvation, poverty, disease and war. In a world where one cannot exercise their civil liberties of speaking their mind, smoking weed, indulging in sodomy in certain places on earth. Someone please explain to me what the fuck MIKE BULLARD is doing with his own fucking talk show? Yeah, O Canada. Oh, Christ. [BLEEP!]

F

The STCUM has always been pretty bad, right, but is it just me or has it reached a completely new level of incompetence? And then, at the same time, you have Mayor Bourque out there saying improving public transport is, like, the number-one thing on his agenda. If you ask me, they're just making it so bad right now on purpose so that we get so desperate for the buses to be running on time that we're gonna be showering Mayor Bourque with votes. If that's his CONSPIRACY, I just want him to know, I'm not falling for it. [BLEEP!]

F

I'm calling to rant about that idiot guy who left a message about the 19-year-old lady who was probably a big fat cow and can't have her breasts proportionate. You know, I hear this too much. Who the hell are you to complain about a girl's size? You're such an idiot. (imitates whining) "Oh boo hoo, she weighs more than I'd like her to, oh blah, blah, blah." Nobody really cares what you think. You're just a sheep. You do what everybody else does and the only reason you like SKINNY GIRLS is because that's all you see. In fact, you're a retard and you don't really have a purpose to speak of, so I have a better job for your mouth, okay? It's called eating me out, okay? It'll give you something to do and take away the fact that you're not getting any action anyway. [BLEEP!]

F

5ft6 and 110 lbs. Do you have any idea how many fucking girls you've made anorexic!? Thank you very much! [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this is for the guy who's pissed off at these Electric Eye toilets. I have a solution for you. Do like I do: wear DIAPERS and then when you're done, you can inspect all you want when you're changing the diaper and putting on a new one. Okay, bye. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey Eurodeli guy, if you want to inspect your poo just shit in a bag like a dog and you can examine your shit all you want. Then you can put it in the toilet and stand in front of the electric eye and watch it flush your poo away. All inspected. [BLEEP!]

F

If you really need to inspect your shit so bad just do what I do and go into the stall and shit on the floor when nobody is around. Let the janitor clean it up. It's the right thing to do and a TASTY way to do it. Adios dude. [BLEEP!]

M

Can anyone recommend a chiropractor? My leg feels like it's going to snap off. I mean, it really fucking hurts. I went to a good one a year ago but he was, like, crazy. He developed a crush on me, he started showing me his TONGUE during sessions. I had to leave finally. So he got me walking again but he was just insane. What I'm looking for is a chiropractor who is effective but isn't crazy. Anybody who knows anybody who can do this, please give the name. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum