Hallowieners

>> Space-age sputniks Man or Astroman? versus stone-age reprobates the Gruesomes

by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

One band is a squadron of extra-terrestrial cosmonauts, intersecting surf rock and electro damage. The other is a gang of prehistoric cave creeps enacting crude, greasy fuzztone rituals (anthropologists call it "garage rock"). What do they have in common? Halloween gigs. After phrasing our curiosity in a manner appropriate to the respective intelligence factors of our two subjects, the Mirror transmitted com-code inquiries to Man or Astroman's guitarist Birdstuff, on board their satellite orbiting over their Earth-base in Alabama, USA. Then we turned around and blew simple smoke signals, supplemented with some bone-on-log morse code, semaphoring questions to Gruesomes alpha male Bobby Beaton at his mastadon-hide shelter in Montreal West.



Gruesomes

While most of the concepts of our modern, jet-set times are far too complex for you to wrap your primitive intellects around, Halloween is one that has not escaped your grasp. In fact, you've been milking it since the Mesozoic era. What does Halloween mean to you?

It's tough being a caveman this time of year--I was at a Halloween party and nearly drowned while bobbing for rocks! But of course, the true spirit of Halloween is its primitiveness. First you get scared, then you eat. Fear and food are about as primal as you can get.



Noting your propensity for such savage, pre-civilization adornment as bone necklaces, parasite-ridden fur vests, primitive bowl cuts and cretinous Beatle boots, you are less likely to stand out on Halloween than on ordinary nights. If, due to some animal-instinct impulse brewing in the bottoms of your troglodyte brain-pans, you wanted to draw attention to yourselves, what would you wear?

Well, we always wanted to dress up as people from the future (we heard that they have fire and the wheel and stuff) but it was too hard. Vampires are cool as long as they're the Bela Lugosi/Count Floyd kind and not the Anne Rice/Bauhaus kind. One word of advice: If you are going to dress up as a wooly mammoth, don't volunteer to be the back end--especially during mating season!



To you who subsist largely on gopher gristle and semi-poisonous berries, the notion of pre-wrapped refined sweets must be too fantastic to imagine. What do you give the whelps of the tribe when they show up at the mouth of your cave, demanding edible tribute?

We thought they were the edible tribute. For the fans at our show we'll be giving away pizzas, beer and really scary stuff--like Styx LPs.



With les Chains at Cabaret on Wednesday, Oct. 31, 8pm, $15



Man or Astroman?

Of the many inconsequential concepts on which our pitiful, terrestrial species operates, Halloween is one that has surely not evaded your faculties of perception. In fact, you have aligned your temporal vectors to materialize in Montreal near that very night. What does Halloween mean to you?

Well, you may not realize this, but the Astromen are crazy about the country-craft phenomenon. Honourable mention in the Tannehill State Park Jack-o'-Lantern Carving contest, baby! Stop and think about what that could mean for next year, why don't you. You thought my Jack Lemmon was remarkable! My Abe Vigoda pumpkin will kick your ass up and down the sidewalk! Coco [the Electronic Monkey Wizard, guitarist] swears he has his Jennifer Aniston down this year.



Noting that you wisely envelope yourselves in state-of-the-art space-travel apparel, streamlined for maximum comfort, security and calculated "wow" factor, you are less likely to stand out on Halloween than on ordinary nights. If, due to some complex strategy of accelerated species development on Earth, you wanted to draw attention to yourselves, what would you wear?

In the past, we've thought of dressing up as Fugazi on Halloween, but everybody wanted to be Ian. Maybe that would actually be better. A band full of Ian McKaye doppelgangers could be pretty cool. We do, however, look even dorkier in street clothes and this poses great ego dilemmas. Perhaps in Montreal, I'll be the Crocodile Hunter, and Coco could be my trusty, fearless wife.



To you who nourish yourselves largely via osmosis or intravenous fluids, the notion of orally ingested sucrose capsules must seem miserably trite and unhealthy. What do you give maturing lifeforms who dock in your sector, seeking the symbolic transfer of nutrients?

It's obvious that chocolate-covered, edible, biodegradable razor blades will be the kiddie chow of the year. Nonetheless, I do honestly think this year is really more about cleansing. I firmly believe the butterscotch enemas we will be giving at the show will prove to be, later, to future generations, extremely popular.



With Starvin' Hungry at Cabaret on Sunday, Oct. 28, 9pm, $12