This week: Superfly, lustful paraplegics, electric eye toilet madness!

Plus: Miss Cleo defended!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Yeah, this is about the local music scene. I've lived here for about two years and all we've got in Montreal are DJs and more DJs. Why aren't there more clubs? I know that Jailhouse is supposed to close, or has already closed, but I've seen some great bands there--bands who are trying to do something different other than just playing fucking records for people. Everyone's a fucking DJ. What we need is more places to play live music and people need to support these live bands because DJs are a dime a dozen and they are all shit! [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I'm just calling to say that the best DJ in the Montreal area is Superfly. Why is he so good? Because he's the GREEK man. He's Greek, he's the Superfly, he mixes the best music around. He is it! He is Superfly! [BLEEP!]

M

Why is everybody getting all excited over Anthrax? Are these guys coming to town or something? I don't see what all the HOO-HA is about some heavy metal band. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

What is it with Montrealers and their fucking horoscopes? Come on, people, I mean, I'm from the west coast and usually you can chalk it up to flaky new-age hippie chicks, but out here everybody does it. In my office I think they actually hire people based on their horoscopes. What the fuck, people, it's the 21st century. The stars don't rule your life, you do. Make decisions for yourself based on reason, on common sense, not fucking VOODOO and a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Grow up, people. [BLEEP!]

F

Okay, this is for the guy who doesn't understand that psychics are novelty. Miss Cleo even has in her commercial that it is for entertainment purposes only. If you really think psychics are that amazing, don't you think that they'd be working for the President of the United States or the United Nations or something like that? Get real. [BLEEP!]

M

Never mind where the psychics were prior to the attack on the World Trade Center, where were the SCHWARZENEGGERS, the Tom Cruises and the Harrison Fords and their ilk? We pay them millions of dollars to stop these guys. Maybe they've saved our asses from terrorist acts in the past so we shouldn't complain too much but, still, where were they when we really needed them? [BLEEP!]

M

This is for that 19-year-old lady who is concerned that her 36C breasts are not all that big. There are bigger breasts but 36C is the ideal size if you have the proportionate body size to accentuate them. I would assume that this woman with the 36Cs who doesn't think they're large enough is probably a big fat COW who looks at her breasts and, when comparing them to the rest of her body, realizes that she probably needs DDs so people will notice her. I'll take 36Cs on a 5ft6, 110-pound person any day of the week. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M

36Cs. Fake? Real? Who cares. Will you marry me? [BLEEP!]

M

This is in response to the girl who wants to learn who to vote for. Turn off Survivor for a minute and turn on the news. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this is for that girl who was wondering how to figure out who to vote for in the upcoming elections. Hey, if you've never voted don't ruin a perfect record. No matter who you vote for, the government always gets in. [BLEEP!]

M

Hello Rant Line, I have a problem that is really embarrassing and saddening at the same time. I happen to be a straight guy who lives in the Village. My backyard is near a parking lot and I have a patio window that opens onto it. Every time I'm on my bed I hear a knocking on my window and I have this quadriplegic guy in an electric wheelchair with a gay pride flag attached to it who's very distorted with saliva dangling from his mouth pointing at me and trying to make a pass at me. I turn him down but he doesn't seem to understand that it has nothing to do with his handicap, but that I simply prefer girls. Can't somebody take care of this guy and tell him we don't reject him, we're just plain straight and we really feel sad for him? I show him my girlfriend but he keeps knocking on my window and pointing to me and then to his genitalia and he looks really SUPPLICATING. I know it's me he's interested in, but can't somebody out there take care of this guy? Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the girl who has the severe urge to strip. If she wants to be a giant slut, why doesn't she go to a club and get paid for it? [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, it's me, the guy who dines at Eurodeli. I wanna know what's up with these ELECTRIC EYE toilet bowls. You know the ones where you stand up after you finish pooing and it flushes itself automatically. You can't even turn around and inspect your own poo. It's crazy! You can't even know if you've got traces of corn or cereal or if you're bleeding. Everyone I know inspects their poo. This is crazy! [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum