This week: Sum 41, patchouli, bee pollen, strip poker!

Plus: Dirt behind fridge worse in Montreal than out west!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

Hey, I'm calling to bitch about crappy Canadian bands who over-estimate their fame, namely this band from Ajax, commonly referred to as Sum 41. I remember back in the day--which would be Vans 2000--when Sum 41 were a bunch of somewhat decent, respectful guys who hung out with me for about half an hour, learned my name and remembered me when I met them again at Summersault. Now, they're a bunch of pretentious assholes who are too good to come over on to the other side of the barrier to greet me--even though I brought them GIFTS. They have one catchy song and that's it! They don't realize that, hey, Americans aren't going to care about them next week. They should worry about what's going on in Canada first. [BLEEP!]

M

I just called Admissions, I asked them for Aerosmith ticket prices: $50, $90 and 130 fucking dollars. Concert prices are way OUT OF HAND. Just nuts. Whether it be Bon Jovi, Backstreet Boys, U2, whoever. And Madonna? $250? She's not even coming here but I know the price. C'mon! [BLEEP!]

F

This rant is for the black girl who bitched a couple of weeks ago about how BLACK guys shouldn't date WHITE girls. Listen, just because one of your boyfriends left your ass for a white girl and now you're a racist, bitter, close-minded freak doesn't make white girls easy. And just because the Rant Line(TM) is supposed to be about the local music scene, DJ Mahesh rules. [BLEEP!]

F

If you're walking with your man and staring down other chicks in the street, you are trash. White or black, you're all the same kind of girl. Doesn't anyone know that RACE is an outdated notion that no longer applies in our modern world? Lots of black people have some Irish in them and whites aren't so pure either. It's your attitude and not your race that matters. You people should be looking after your own relationships instead of perpetrating outdated bigoted notions. [BLEEP!]

F

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a white person say "some of my best friends are black," I think I'd be the richest fucking person in the world. [BLEEP!]

M

This is for the girl who says she's not a racist because one of her friends is black. What are you, in Grade 4? That argument is more artificial than your 36C breasts. Yeah, some of my best friends are morons, yet somehow I still don't seem to tolerate your stupidity. Hmmm, go figure. [BLEEP!]

F

What's up with people liking Eurotrash? [BLEEP!]

F (laughing, excited)

Okay, I'm with my two best friends Jill and Peter and we started playing STRIP POKER. And so now I'm sitting here with, like, my tits hanging out on the phone to the Rant Line(TM) and, like, Peter is standing in front of us with his THING standing straight up in the air and bouncing all over the place every time he moves. (yelling) Make him do the jumping jacks! (Lots of hysterical female laughter) Strip poker rules! (long pause, much screaming and laughing) [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, me and my fiancée just finished cleaning BEHIND OUR FRIDGE and we'd like to make a rant about how Montreal people are so dirty. They leave the stuff behind their fridge unclean for years! I've lived in four different places here and I'm just wondering how you Montrealers can handle being so dirty in your own homes. I'm from Western Canada, where we actually clean our houses. So clean up Montreal, you people are filthy. [BLEEP!]

F

This is in response to that guy from California. Well, I used to live in California and I think you should learn that we do it differently here. We still like coffee, alcohol and cigarettes. We're not completely onto the bee pollen, smoothies and chai. So if you're not getting the tail you used to have with your free massages and stuff, maybe you should lose the patchouli and grab a drink and bum a light off someone. This is unless you're one of those smarmy Rainbow boys who grew up in smoking environments, in which case head back to San Francisco before your gonads fall off from either FROSTBITE or neglect. Bye [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this is for the sad bastard who left the rant about PREGNANT WOMEN--you know, the guy who gets a big stiffie for all those bloated chicks out there? Well, I just wanna tell you, buddy, you're not alone. There are other guys out there who like the pregnant woman. I, myself, get totally turned on when I'm sitting on the bus and I see a nice big pregnant woman--you can actually see her breasts getting bigger! She sits there with those loose clothes, you just wanna lift up her skirt and mmmm, yum, yum! Well, take care. Love you, buddy. Just want you to know that Vinnie loves you. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, I'm just wondering if there's anybody out there who could offer me some good advice on how to stop BITING MY NAILS because it's really driving me crazy. Thanks a lot. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum