This week: Jungle fever, dead pigeons, buckling knees!

Plus: Weird people walking around town with sabres!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Hey, it's Sunday and I'm recovering from a HANGOVER from last night. I was at Foufounes Électriques. I don't know about the management at this place. Two weeks ago they played heavy music for two weeks in a row all night on Friday and Saturday. The last two weeks they played techno and dance music at the end of the night. Are they a heavy metal bar? Are they an alternative bar? What's going on? [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, could someone tell Blink 182 to stop taking their old albums and repackaging them and selling them as new albums? You know, somebody might pick up on that after a little while. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, there's something that I've been noticing for a while now: JUNGLE FEVER COUPLES. Now, what is up with that? Everywhere I go I see a black guy with a white girl. I remember when I went to the movies to see Baby Boy with one of my guy friends, we were the only black couple in the theatre. I mean, that was pretty messed up. And lately I was watching hip hop on Musique Plus and I saw videos by Jay-Z and by Jaheem, both videos had two things in common: weak-assed lyrics and, of course, white girls frontin' like they all that. Yo, same shit goes for you black guys, y'all be walkin' in the street with your white girls with too much pride. And when some of your black girls are asking you why you be with a white girl, all you stupid fools have to say is, "Oh, you just jealous" or "These days girls be acting too black and too cocky and shit." But some guys are going to be straight up and honest by saying that white girls be giving up the pussy easily. For those guys who say that we jealous, yo, what's up when y'all be walking downtown with your peeps and you see a black girl with a white guy? Y'all be going to dis her and say that she's not worthy to be with a black man when y'all be dating a white girl. So for those black guys who feel offended, let me tell you that this is a damn shame. I'm black and my man is black. He told me that he'll never be able to date or fuck a white girl because he always love a chocolate-coloured girl with a big booty, tight body, full lips and beautiful. Enough said. [BLEEP!]

F

There are so many fucked up people on the streets of Montreal. I saw this guy holding a HUGE SABRE walking down the street talking to himself. And I see people in the stores and in the metro just talking to themselves like they're three different people. Those people should be locked up and not in our presence. I can't walk down the streets without getting harassed by insane people who think I'm someone that I'm not and many times they have sabres. So, um, peace. [BLEEP!]

F

This goes out to the human excrement who poisoned all those poor DEFENCELESS PIGEONS in Park Extension two weeks ago. Sooner or later, you're gonna be found out. God is going to punish you for this and you're going to die a slow, agonizing death just as those poor animals did. You're not even people, you're lower than the ground for what you did. God will punish you. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. This is for the guy who was asking if you can have an orgasm with a TAMPON. The truth is you can have an orgasm with absolutely anything if you want to. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I don't know about you but I'm too busy worrying about MENSTRUAL CRAMPS to think about whether or not I'm getting my jollies from a tampon. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F

I just remembered what can be an insane orgasm for a girl. A detachable shower head. It's fucking crazy. I think all girls should try it because it makes your KNEES BUCKLE and you could almost slip and kill yourself in the shower. [BLEEP!]

M

This goes out to that asshole who stole the electrical meter off my GRANDMA'S COTTAGE in the Laurentians. Have fun with it. Grow as much hydroponic pot as you can on someone else's bill--namely a 74-year-old woman. Just remember when you're toking, it's my grandma who's paying the bill. We're all just supporting the bloody Mafia. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. It's 4:32 Friday morning and I have a little story to tell. My roommate is gay and just moved here from Toronto and we just had sex and I'm very confused. The poor guy doesn't even know what to say and I think I'm gonna have to move out. Does anybody know where I can get a nice place or is any straight man looking for a roommate? Or please tell me what you think about gay men sleeping with straight women. [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, this is a message for the guy in Westmount who is wondering if we girls are getting fucked. Well, we are. A big bunch of us are. And some of us are even fucking other girls. So, please, fantasize more. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum