Headlock rock

>> The Tijuana Bibles piledrive the competition

by CLASSY JOHNNY CUMMINS

Lissen up, ya chisel-headed chumps, 'cuz the most rock 'em, sock 'em rockers this side of the border, the Tijuana Bibles (from TJ via T-dot), are comin' ta town and are gonna get your sister hotter than a horny toad on the fourth of July. That's right, these masked marvels of musical mayhem have lily-livered, shoegazin', "oh, woe is me" rock against the ropes and are getting it all ready for a suplex--as Apartment Wrestling, their day-byoot disco, so ably proves. No wonder the wizened Johnny Legend, that Gandalf of garbage, enlisted them to score his upcoming porno pic! So read on, ya pencil-neck geeks, and find out what bible-thumping really means.



Mirror: Okay, first off, what the hell are you trying to pull with this blatant rip-off of Los Straitjackets?

Buddy Lee Roth: Well, we originally just started off as a soundtrack band for some Mexican wrestling movies that this independent movie director from Toronto named Stacey Case made, and it just went from there--

M: Yeah, I heard this Case character is a bit of a mincing mama's boy, just about due for a beat-down!

BLR: Well, oddly enough, our guitarist Sonny-Boy Liston is the undefeated champion. We're not sure what he is the undefeated champion of, but he put Stacy Case in the hospital for months and Case has bad-mouthed us to the Budget rental people, which I found to be a bit excessive. The bottom line is that if his films were any good, he would be a world-famous director but his only claim to fame is our band. What can I say, he's a talentless hack.

M: Who would win in a battle-royale cage match, you guys or Los Straitjackets?

BLR: Well, that's a joke. Just ask any of our fans--I think the answer is quite obvious. They play teen pop and we look at it as, you are supposed to be crushing people while you're having fun with them. One of us could take all of them on.

M: Do you think you could take on other masked bands, like, say, Slipknot?

BLR: Our bass player, Blue Demon, could take them out with one swipe of his bass.

M: Do you keep your masks on when you're bumpin' uglies, so to speak?

BLR: Oh yeah, we're really ugly people. The Crippler, our other guitarist, even wrote a masked manifesto, and it brought tears to my eyes. But people keep comparing him to Valerie Solanas of the SCUM Manifesto. I think they're taking it the wrong way because it doesn't have anything to do with killing Andy Warhol.

M: You just played in Europe and were dubbed "Canada's fun machine." That sounds a bit light in the loafers for wrestling rockers, don't it?

BLR: Well, we are all about fun. For instance, at our Montreal show, we are planning to have a contest called "skin to win."

M: Is that like a Jeffrey Dahmer thing?

BLR: I'm not giving anything away.

M: Are you guys always mean?

BLR: The Crippler is actually quite nice and enjoys the company of children and small animals.

With Surferigno at la Sala Rossa on Friday, Sept. 14, 9pm, $6