This week: Spooky Ruben, Unity, Westmount girls!

Plus: John Jordan!!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Hi, this is in regards to Lorraine Carpenter's review of Spooky Ruben's Bed and Breakfast in last week's Mirror. Being a local musician in Montreal who has played on Spooky Ruben's newest record, I know the HARD WORK that went into making a piece of music like that and raising the money to do it. To come off with quotes like "Sadly, he's just shit" and "Both of these records suck ass" I really didn't think was appropriate. You don't understand the money and BLOOD that goes in to this and to just pass it off as shit is really something. Obviously it's your opinion, but I think you could have written something a little bit more intelligent and I take strong offence to that bullshit review. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. This is John Jordan, formerly of Me, Mom and Morgentaler, the Oscar Peterson Concert Hall, the Jazz Festival, the Fantasia festival and a whole bunch of other stuff. I'd just like to let all my friends know that I'm falling through the CRACKS of the medical system and, if you're looking for me, you can reach me at Notre Dame Hospital. Check between the cracks.

[Ed's note: At press time, JJ was back on the street and planning a surprise birthday party for himself this coming Monday at Bifteck.] [BLEEP!]

M

Okay, this is for those who haven't heard. Unity club closed down and they turned it into, like, some kind of ARENA. And I just want to rant about those fucking straight people--no offence to straight people--they can hang around the Dome and stuff but stay out of the gay village, okay, that's for US PEOPLE. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

You know what's finally going to make me keep my dog on his leash? Some sick, disgusting, most likely upstanding, non-dog-owning CITIZENS are shitting in Jeanne-Mance park. Hey, I pick up after my dog, who shits in the park because he hasn't mastered the use of a toilet. I think that there are some humans out there who need to be fucking leashed. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, I don't know what kind of sick individual pops people's BIKE TIRES. If you hate my bike that much, please just take your anger out some other way! Yell at it, swear at it, leave me a note if you want but don't pop my tires, that's not cool. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. This is about the Club Supersexe billboard women. I just wondered if anybody else noticed that one of them is taken out of a Victoria's Secret catalogue. Like, it's really obvious. [BLEEP!]

M

I'm just calling to say that Montreal has the worst DRUG DEALERS I've ever seen. You call them and you call them and they only deliver when they fucking want to. I can't take this. When I want drugs, I want them fucking now! That's it. [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the man who wears sandals and socks. That comeback wasn't even a comeback. That was the worst comeback ever. It makes me PHYSICALLY SICK that you called in with a non-comeback for the Rant Line(TM). It just really upset me. [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, wassup? I got a question for the guys. What I'd like to know is, okay, check this out, some people be asking why people be cheating. Well, first of all, I got a man and he tells me he's cheating on me but the thing is that he still loves me. Like, what the hell?! That doesn't make no sense. So to every guy out there who ever gave their girl that type of lyric, please explain yourself because it don't make no sense. [BLEEP!]

M

I'm just wondering if someone can tell me what the HOLE IN THE EAR is called? Because the mouth is the mouth and then you have lips, then the eyelid has an eye but the hole in the ear--what is the hole in the ear? Because the ear is, like, the whole piece, right, with the lobe and the cartilage and stuff, so what is the hole called? [BLEEP!]

M

Why are there refs in women's wrestling when they basically get to do anything they want? [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, I just want to know what's up with all the guys out there who think the best way to pick me up is to grab my ass. Don't you know how to use your mouth and talk? [BLEEP!]

M

I'm just sitting outside somewhere in Westmount and I see all these pretty, good-looking Montreal girls walking by and I'm wondering how many of them are really getting fucked. I just want to know. Are there any of you pretty girls out there, reading the Rant Line(TM), getting fucked? Because I know some guys are intimidated by your looks. Leave a rant. I want to know how many of you pretty girls are getting fucked and if you really need to get fucked. It doesn't have to be by me, I'm just fucking curious, man. Later. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum