This week: Gangsterism, sandals, socks, Supersexe superheroes!

Plus: The top 10 signs you're being cheated on!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

Grandmaster Flash you are a POO. I said, a poo. [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, it's too bad that the guy from Cooper Thomson isn't ripping off the Vendettas' music too, because then they might be halfway listenable. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, it's about the guy who called saying that One-976 is the best band in Montreal. Maybe they're hot and sexy but they do shameful PLUGGING--it's unimaginable that that music would create something on its own merit. Patrik can't even sing. They're a ridiculous band. [BLEEP!]

F

This is in response to the person who wants to know what some possible signs of a person CHEATING are. Number 1: brings you flowers for no apparent reason, usually it's when you have a fight. Number 2: he or she doesn't mind cooking and cleaning and is suddenly in a very good mood. Number 3: stops complaining about the way you look. Number 4: doesn't mind if you stay out late with your friends - obviously he or she has other plans. Number 5: the fantasies that you are discussing to steam up your sex life may be your partner's actual lover. Number 6: not asking about the diamond ring anymore - he or she has plans to move onto bigger and better rocks. Number 7: the penis implants are put on hold and so are the breast implants. Number 8: they always have to stay late at the office with a particular co-worker. Number 9: while buying lingerie, all of a sudden, he forgets your size. Number 10: takes you out to dinner and is ogling other men or women. I mean, these are some that I have come up and that I have noticed. [BLEEP!]

M

I have a few cheating clues that you could check for. The first would be the strong smell of SEMEN. And the second would be pubics on the body. The third would be just the odour of semen and, uh, more semen. Semen. [BLEEP!]

F

Sure signs that he's cheating on you include shifty eyes, can't catch up with his lies, sweating, ski- jump nose, he's seeing girls that he wants to name the baby after, erotic poems. And when you're being put in a straitjacket, that's when you find out. Good things happen to bad people. [BLEEP!]

M

I would say the best sign, really, is finding them having sex with someone else. Then you can be about 90 per cent sure. [BLEEP!]

M

Okay, it's late, I'm drunk a little bit and I have the hiccups but I want to put an end to this shit once and for all. I'm the neighbour of the guy who got kidnapped/arrested for letting his DOG off the leash. Now let me tell you that the original person who reported this incident was not a squeegee boy, I am not a squeegee boy, and the person kidnapped/arrested was not a squeegee boy. There is absolutely no squeegee shit going on in this whatsoever, okay? I'm calling to tell you that no one deserves to be handcuffed on their balcony and thrown into the back of a police cruiser for letting their dog off the leash a few times. Now, some of the bullshit you brought up was about Russia, Haiti or Cuba. Well, if you let your dog off the leash there, you're not gonna get fucking arrested. And the day before he got arrested--and when I say "he," I'm referring to a polite, tall, thin, well brought up student/ actor/model, an upstanding, hardworking citizen just like you--he was telling me how we are in a society that needs laws and stuff like that. Now let me tell you why all police are pigs. It is because, between the age of 15 and 20 years old, they make a conscious decision to become part of an organization that upholds laws that are biased and crafted to keep the masses asleep. All police are pigs because they make the conscious decision to join an organization which is, basically, legal GANGSTERISM. So, to put an end to this shit once and for all, peace. Wait--fuck peace! Fuck you all!! WAR. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. This is for the Whiny Fashion Bitch. Just to let her know, there's only one style in London: tight black pants. It's disgusting. Montreal has the best- dressed women in the world. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M

Good afternoon. This is a man who wears SANDALS and SOCKS. This is a message for Mr. Constable Beaulieu of the Montreal Fashion Police. I do wear socks with my sandals and I weigh 200 lbs. You wanna give me a ticket, go ahead. It's up to you. Your choice. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I just want to rant about the Club Supersexe on Ste-Catherine. One day, I was walking with my four-year-old niece and she actually thinks the woman on the billboard there is a SUPERHERO. So, I mean, that's very sad. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, listen, I know you guys probably get crazy rants all the time, people saying crazy things that don't make any sense a lot of the time. I just wanted to call and let you know that I'm not one of those people. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum