This week: United Arab Emirates, socialist dream worlds, infidelity!

Plus: Fashion police on patrol!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Hey, this is to say that One-976 is the best band in Montreal. It's hot, it's sexy. Phil is a crazy sexy guy and so is Plastik Patrik. They're going to make it big. They're great. All right? Take care. Use a condom. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, man, I swear to God, I just got the Generatorz's new album and, so far, it's the best thing to happen to Montreal. I wish everybody would have a listen to it. The girl who sings in that band has real class. The Generatorz rule, man. All right. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this rant is for the little girl who ranted about Cooper Thomson's lack of originality. When you said that he was ripping off Paul from the Vendettas, were you referring to his blond hair? Because the Vendettas didn't invent blond hair. Or maybe blue jeans? They didn't invent blue jeans either. You probably aren't old enough to remember when Cooper Thomson was leading a full-frontal assault on the local music scene as the frontman for Beverly. However, if you do remember, you will also remember that the Vendettas were--and still are--basically a cover band whose frontman spent most of his creative energy ripping off who? That's right, Cooper Thomson. Of course, if you don't pay enough attention to the Montreal music scene, you wouldn't know that. Maybe you're a Blink 182 fan, that would explain a lot. While Cooper Thomson does wear his influences on his sleeve, at least he's not fucking them in the ass every time they turn around. When I read shit like that, I think this city deserves the Vendettas and their SOCIALIST DREAM WORLD bullshit. Talk to me about originality when the Vendettas are doing a tribute to the Clash at Rock Quest. [BLEEP!]

M

I was down at Blizzarts last week and these guys were throwing some open mic night next door at Blue Dog. Their shit was off the hook! These guys they've got rhyming in there have real talent. Anyway, I think Montreal should go check them out over there. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

What happened with the PAINTING at the Parc/Pine interchange? It used to look good. I heard the mayor shut it down. What a fucking dickhead. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, Rant Line(TM). I'd just like to throw this into the discussion. Does anyone plan on going to Washington, DC for the World Band/IMF meetings on September 28 and 29? If so, how are you getting there? Because I'm looking for a ride. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F

About that guy who's being held for ransom by the police for $1,000 because he constantly lets his DOG off the leash. Is he the same big fat ugly moron and bully who lets his stupid dog shit on people's lawns? I sure hope it's him. [BLEEP!]

M

This rant is for the squeegee boy whose friend was locked up for not having his dog on a leash. Dude, we have LAWS in this city and if your dumbass friend can't obey these laws, he deserves to be in the slammer. I love those people who call the police PIGS, that makes me laugh. These pigs--granted, some are assholes--are here to keep the scum like your friend off the street corners and us respectable hard-working citizens safe. So I have a great solution. Take your friend, move to a country like Russia, Cuba or Haiti and we'll see how well you adjust to their laws. So, my little buddy, you are wasting much too much time ranting and not enough time working your squeegee on some street corner to raise your bum-chum's bail money. Adios, douchebag. [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the woman who literally gave me her SHIRT when I told her I liked it while shopping. I never had a chance to say thank you. So, thank you. You certainly made my day. [BLEEP!]

M

Hello, this is Constable Beaulieu of the Montreal Fashion Police. I will give a ticket to the next idiot who wears SANDALS with SOCKS, okay la? Fifty dollars, idiot. [BLEEP!]

F

Hello. I want to rant about the fashion in Montreal. It really sucks. Canadians have no style whatsoever. It really sucks that in London and in Paris and even in the United Arab Emirates--if you people know where that is--you can find the most amazing stylish, classy, clean-looking clothes. Here, it's a bunch of garbage and they're all fooling us and you know what? We're buying it. This is so disgusting--seriously, somebody should do something. And the prices are incredible for something this disgusting. And, also, about the Persian men. I think Persian men are absolutely disgusting. They're so ugly and, well, every country has good looking and ugly men but Persian men, in general, are ugly. And they're very raunchy and loud and that's just my opinion so, please, no offense. That's it. That's all I have to say. Peace in the Middle East. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, I was just wondering if anybody can tell me any of the signs of a person CHEATING. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum