This week: Kidnapped dogwalkers, Mark, Persians!

Plus: Rainbow Goddess gets blasted!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

My name is Mark. I'm a musician, artist and songwriter and I have a demo tape going out and I do not know what to do. I'm looking for a serious try into a production agency and I would like to MAKE MILLIONS. I know if I have one chance, I will get there. Please, if you can help me, leave me a message or something. I'd like to know some information on how I may obtain my STARDOM. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F

You know what WEED does to you, man? Okay, you smoke a joint and you go to the Jazz Festival and you listen to this band and you think, "Wow, fuck, man, this band is awesome." Then, a week later, you buy the CD, you take it home, you listen to it and you say, "Shit! This band sucks." Okay, this is what your brain looks like on drugs. Don't let it happen to you, kids. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, this is for the dumb fuck complaining about Cooper Thomson apparently dressing like that moron from the Vendettas. The difference between them, though they might dress alike, is that Cooper Thomson has musical talent. [BLEEP!]

M

My friend just got KIDNAPPED and is being held for ransom. One thousand dollars ransom. And if this ransom is to be paid--and it probably will be paid--it's gonna be going into the pockets of the government and the people who kidnapped him: the police. Basically, he'd let his DOG off of his leash four or five times over the past five weeks and now he's in jail with hardcore motherfuckers. And they're not gonna let him out until someone forks over a thousand bucks. Now how the fuck is that legal? If the pigs do something wrong, well, we can't kidnap them and hold them for ransom, can we? This shit's fucked up, the citizens must RISE UP against these pigs. And that's about it. [BLEEP!]

F

Am I the only one who's noticed that STCUM spells "St. Cum"? [BLEEP!]

F

I'm just calling to say that I agree with the girl who says that Iranian men are the sexiest men on the planet, because otherwise I wouldn't have married my Iranian SHEIK. They've got the hardest cocks, they fuck the best, they eat the best. They're the best in bed, they're the longest and they're the most sweetest men in the world. So everyone out there should find themselves an Iranian man, otherwise I wouldn't have married my sheik and had his son. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

I just read the rant from the RAINBOW GODDESS and I'm kind of pissed off now. She is exactly the type of girl who should not be going to Rainbow gatherings, because she sounds just as exclusionary and egotistical as the men who she's complaining about. She seems to be judging all men and that, to me, is indicative of the attitude that these beautiful, gorgeous women who she talks about have these days. You go up to these beautiful women and give them a sincere compliment and they all seem to think it's some kind of line coming from the guys who she is dissing. But how can she actually distinguish if she doesn't give them a fucking chance? She sounds like a dyke, for Christ's sake! Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you're bitching and wishing there were more good men around. But then you say "all these gorgeous women, all these gorgeous women, all these gorgeous women"--shit, why don't you go after a gorgeous woman? [BLEEP!]

M

In response to the girl who was at the Rainbow gathering and found the men so wonderful there. I used to go up to a lot of Rainbows and, as a guy, I found the guys kind of SCUMMY. They were, like, "Hey, baby, nice brain. Have some drugs and we'll go have sex." So if you fell for that one, you're kind of the idiot in all of this because they ain't so damn respectful. Nine out of 10 of them are there just to get laid, just like in town. So wake up and don't be so naive. [BLEEP!]

M

This is for the Rainbow Goddess. What is wrong with liking a girl's BODY? And telling her you like it? The problem is, that when a guy is about to tell you in a respectful manner, you jump to the conclusion that it's some guy again just looking at the woman as if it's a body. But you do the same thing in your rant, Rainbow Goddess, when you say "all these gorgeous women." So what the fuck, man? God. (getting frustrated) These women, man. That's the reason I've been single for--what is it now? Four fucking years! (screaming) Jesus Christ!! [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum