This week: Junkie squirrels, clone cafés, sexy Iranians!

Plus: Goddess energy disrupted by drooling men!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Yeah, this is the Stardust drummer calling from the oh-so-precious Mile-End neighbourhood. Yeah, I used to think it was pretty funny watching SQUIRRELS run along the telephone wires in my back alley, sometimes carrying a bagel from the bagel shop on St-Viateur. This morning I woke up to see a squirrel running along the telephone line carrying a syringe in its mouth. Stop the madness. Kill a junkie today. [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, I was just wondering if anyone else has noticed that the guy from Cooper Thomson now looks exactly like the guy from the Vendettas. It's, like, is this new? Has he always been ripping this guy off or what? Get your own identity, Cooper Thomson. [BLEEP!]

M

So I went down to the Foufs to see the Reverend Horton Heat show and while I'm waiting for the show, I'm looking at all this bestial, homosexual, PEDOPHILIAL art on the wall. It's extremely disturbing. But not as disturbing as how I felt when I was being escorted from the Reverend's show because I had smoked a JOINT. Bestial, necrophilial, porno art? Smoking a joint? What's the problem with this picture--other than I missed the show?! [BLEEP!]

M

I'm fed up with all the BUFFO guys and all the guys with the big beer bellies striding up and down the nude beach at Oka. They don't have the guts to get NAKED and join the rest of the laid-back crowd. Stay home, guys. We don't need you. [BLEEP!]

F

I just came back from two Rainbow gatherings where guys actually praise and respect women. I get back to this city and it's, like, "Hey, baby, NICE TITS." What's wrong with people that they can't look each other in the eye with respect and without motivation? To all those guys who see a woman and only see a body, I think you should take a hike to a Rainbow gathering and meet some real men who aren't egotistical pricks. And maybe they'll also find real women. Anyone ever hear of the goddess energy? Man, you know, there's so many beautiful women in Montreal and I don't even see one cute guy, just see these nasty, big, egotistical maniacs who just like sit there and DROOL and stare at all the gorgeous women who walk by. It's really degrading, as it is when some guy comes up to me and comments on my body. I'd just like to say all the power to the goddesses out there and to those men, man, you guys are losing brain cells by the second. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M

A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight. [BLEEP!]

F

All I have to say is Iranians are the sexiest men on the planet. [BLEEP!]

M

As a guy who likes to suck guy's cocks, I gotta say I'm totally offended. Like, anybody who doesn't know what it is to be gay would look at this fucking gay issue and think that all gay men are fucking in their 30s, BALDING, with goatees. I don't get it. It's like the CLONE café thing. And then you've got these other guys who are all proud because they've made marriage legal. Why the fuck would I want to repeat the fucking stupid idiocies of a fucking stupid heterosexual love affair? I don't believe that love is bindable by a contract, piece of paper or any fucking religious figure whatsoever. I think love is free, like me. And thank God that I am not identifiable by the clone café or these people who wish to seek creating what was instead of what is and what could be. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

This is to guy who got a ticket for banging on his dirty old pot outside of Saphir. It's great, isn't it, when we live in a city where you can get a ticket for that and meanwhile the city works department has construction going on in the wee hours of the night, for example, at the Monkland overpass on the Décarie Expressway? They had a BACKHOE trying to snap a steel girder in half at 3 in the morning last week. It was pretty loud and went on for half an hour. It's crazy. [BLEEP!]

M

This is to the guy who got fucked over at La Ronde playing the circle game with the metal discs. Trust me, it's impossible. Me and a friend went last year and he got it but only after arguing for about half an hour with the guy. Eventually he got pissed off and gave us the toy. Then he took out a piece of paper so my friend could sign his name and there were, like, four names on a thing as if four people since the beginning of the summer had gotten it. So, trust me, it's impossible. [BLEEP!]

M

For the guy who wants to know where all the tomboys went, it's very simple. Go to a female hockey game. There you can find only tomboys. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum