Pornomatic geek-a-zoid from the year 2086

>> Keepin' it surreal with Kool Keith

by MICHAEL CITROME

In 30 years, when flying cars equipped with atomic-powered sub-woofers blast the latest 3,000 bpm dance hits in the streets of the suburban Sea of Tranquility, pop music archivists are only going to begin to understand the hip hop enigma named Kool Keith.

Possessing a couple of dozen alter-egos in addition to his usual moniker, Keith Thornton began his hip hop career in 1986 with the seminal Brooklyn crew Ultramagnetic MCs. Their '88 album Critical Beatdown was named by Source magazine as one of the 20 greatest hip hop albums ever.

Striking out on his own after Ultramagnetic's breakup in '93, Kool Keith became one of the most prolific players in the hip hop world, rapping, producing and releasing records at an alarming rate. On his latest album, Spankmaster, Keith collaborates with Detroit-based horrorcore rapper Esham, who was also his tourmate on this year's Van's Warped Tour (until he was beaten up by D12).

Already kind of a loose cannon back with the Ultramagnetics, Keith got his spaced-out reputation by rapping in the guise of various sci-fi personae. Being futuristic in his image, beats and lyrical throwdown is Keith's trademark. "I feel I'm going to be a futuristic guy for the rest of my life," he says. "People are trying today to do what I've been doing since '86. Now, all of the sudden, every record comes out with innovative beats. People are trying to make futuristic beats out of nowhere.

"People make believe that they're making millennium music when I've been doing that before. They hear my record like Black Elvis or Spankmaster and they're gonna act like that record never existed, like they've created the next sound and that person will go down in history as the first person to make beats ever in life.

"Times change. I think I was ahead of my time in '86 when I made Ultra records. I was already the millennium in 1986 and in 2000 I was already 2086. Everybody now has one or two new beats, creating one new sound when the rest of the album is lame."

Rap-a-razzi

Another thing is, Keith's got a reputation for being a little strange, especially with the ladies. One story has him trying to convince New York indie rapper Princess Superstar to pose in a thong, allegedly for the cover of his next album. She said, "Uh, no," and recorded a track about it. That's exactly the type of shit that pisses Keith off.

"I think a lot of girls misinterpret my sexual life because they take it more from the record than from real life. They're assuming I have a personality that's funny, and when it's time to be serious I think a lot of people get scared, a lot of people are not what they seem to be. They can wear thongs and be freaky on record but when it comes time to put it out, they go into a shell."

For the record, he admits to trying to get Princess Superstar into a thong but says, "She was very not participant."

And though the man likes his porn, he doesn't have visions of following in Snoop Dog's tracks and producing his own videos. "I'm more into photography. I had a thing where I wanted to do a page in Hustler or maybe two pages, like, Kool Keith's picks, girls I find myself and photograph."

Keith totes his camera on tour, sometimes photographing some Warped chicks, "Like little cool chicks with shorts and tops." Plus he's planning in advance. "What kind of strip clubs do they have in Montreal?"

Lost in space

So, he likes porn and talks about outer space a lot. Keith sounds like something of a nerd. Not surprisingly, the accusation fails to floor him. He doesn't straight-out call himself a nerd, but says in his younger years he was "solitary, a loner sort of person."

But he's quick to out some of his hip hop collaborators as nerds. "Who's a nerd? I think certain people are--like DJ Spooky, who is more of a different, inner-self type of person, but a cool nerd. And Dan the Automator is more of a nerd than I am."

But how important is science fiction to Keith? "I make a lot of future beats but they're not based on sci-fi reasons, they're going beyond the funk stuff we're stuck in, the kind of music stuff we're stuck in.

"The movies are very structured. You have parts one, two and three, Terminator 1, Terminator 3, Terminator 5. For me, you have Sex Style, Black Elvis, Matthew, Spankmaster. There wasn't meant to be any album better than any other. I think a lot of my records are coinciding with a lot of issues. I'm more intellectual, like I'm a space kid, I'm weird, I'm flying around on a flying saucer."

But Keith is quick to point out that, in both his music and real life, he's not really some kind of weird alien. "I go shopping, I go to clubs, I go to strip clubs, I go to malls."

But that wouldn't stop him from making beef with some fictional characters. "I'd take on the Green Goblin," he says, referring to Spiderman's nemesis. "He's an interesting character, he's got the weird Santa Claus bag over his head."

Rockin' the mic

The solo Keith on Warped is just one aspect of his multifaceted repertoire. No stranger to the rock world, Keith's traded verses with Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders and played MC to U.K. acid-funk revisionists Regular Fries. That was Kool Keith asking Prodigy to "Smack My Bitch Up," and he's worked with non-jiggy trip hoppers like DJ Shadow. Hell, he even did the theme song for WWF wrestler Mankind with incarcerated Wu Tang alum Ol' Dirty Bastard. So he's good with the rock crowd, skids, mullets and all. "I think they're cool, they're very into their punk rock stuff. Looking around and travelling around the world, the response has been overwhelming."

At last year's Warped, Jurassic 5 was the sole hip hop act on the big stage. They got stuff thrown at them during their performance here in Montreal. Hopefully, Keith will fare better. The signs are good--when he played between Celtic punkers Dropkick Murphys and NYC hardcore band H2O at the New York City stop of the tour last weekend, the punky crowd shouted Keith's rhymes out along with him. His DJ even called out for a mosh pit, and the frenzied crowd obliged (in passing, this year's Warped hip hop crew got cut short when D12 were kicked off the tour just before the NYC show for brawling with Esham and his crew).

In more familiar hip hop terrain, Keith's always been up on pimping, especially on his side project the Analog Brothers, a collaboration with Ice-T, whose DJ is Keith's touring beat provider. Their 2000 release Pimp to Eat explored all manner of things pimpish. A new record is planned for release next year.

"You got different kinds of pimps. You can trade cash as a pimp. You had pimps back in the '70s who wore clown outfits. You got pimps who wear sneakers and a baseball cap. Me, basically, I think I can be a pimp in a way that's positive. You can be a pimp and be more positive and add to something. I might take a girl out to buy a pair of shoes, I'm not tricking."

On that note, Keith's psyched about playing up in Montreal. "You got some women up there? You have to show me around."

With Rancid, Pennywise, AFI, H2O and all the rest at the Vans Warped Tour on Friday, Aug. 10, noon, $38, all ages

Hip hop hermits

>> Rap's six biggest nerds

by MICHAEL CITROME

Name: Prince Paul

Nerdity rating: 4/5

Occupation: DJ/producer

Qualifications: A founding member of Stetsasonic and producer to 3rd Bass and De La Soul, Paul Huston formed Handsome Boy Modeling School with the Automator (see below) and released an album full of Chris Elliot samples, guested on by Father Guido Sarducci.



Name: Del Tha Funkee Homosapien

Nerdity rating: 3/5

Occupation: Rapper

Qualifications: Bay Area MC and pseudo member of fictional rock band Gorillaz, Del is Ice Cube's middle-class cousin who raps about video games and anime. He's been known to sample airport P.A. systems.



Name: MC Paul Barman

Nerdity rating: 5/5

Occupation: Rapper

Qualifications: Paul's a snotty Jewish kid from New York with an Ivy League education who raps mostly about sex, but in a way entirely opposite from 2 Live Crew. He also creates word puzzles for Games Magazine. His definition of CLASS is "a conspiracy levelled at sleepy students."



Name: Flava Flav

Nerdity rating: 2/5

Occupation: Hype man

Qualifications: Sidekick to Chuck D in Public Enemy, Flav's best known for his funny hats and wall clock worn around his neck. He raps about gravy and looks like a cross between Urkel and Spike Lee's Mars Blackmon character from the old Air Jordan commercials.



Name: Grandmaster Flash

Nerdity rating: 3/5

Occupation: DJ/producer

Qualifications: Having virtually invented the DJing techniques that made hip hop what it is, Flash is a living legend. But ever seen the guy on that PBS rock 'n' roll documentary? He just goes on and on about Kraftwerk. Oh yeah, and people basically become DJs because nobody wants to dance with them.



Name: Dan the Automator

Nerdity rating: 4/5

Occupation: Producer/prankster

Qualifications: Dan Nakamura rose to prominence when he collaborated with Kool Keith on a project called Dr. Octagon. He went on to invent "brownsploitation" with Bombay the Hard Way, a semi-fictional collection of '70s Bollywood movie themes. There was no such movie as Punjabis, Pimps and Players. :

--Michael Citrome