This week: Dutch joints, Eminem geeks, tomboys, Alf!

Plus: Man arrested for banging on pot!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Hi. I was at Saphir last week for a wonderful night of hip hop and funk and good vibes. I went outside and I played a percussion instrument. Well, not really a percussion instrument, but actually a DIRTY OLD POT. And my friend and I were playing and beatboxing and rapping and the cops stopped us and said we couldn't do that. They said I couldn't bang on my pot and make music and they proceeded to give me a ticket after a lot of trouble. Five cop cars came and it was very retarded! And I just wanted to thank all the people who were there who supported me. We have to fight against really ridiculous police brutality and abuse of power. It's totally wrong. [BLEEP!]

M

I'm calling about that little Laval rapper there who says that he's English and he's gonna go rap in the States. Well, I'm a fucking French rapper and, I'm telling you, you ain't coming out of Canada. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, bands and performers and artists. This is for all of you who are ranting about no places to play in Montreal. There's a festival in August, held by Head and Hands, and we're looking for performers. So call us because we need you and we want you to play for us. Call Head and Hands. Thanks a lot. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I want to respond to Billy from the Reeling Studs. It's a shock that you were caught with two grams of marijuana. I'm from HOLLAND and that's not even enough for a good joint! So put another two grams of pot in your joint and enjoy it. It's also a shock that you drive over 150 kilometres on a construction road. That sucks. So enjoy your joint, man. Cool. [BLEEP!]

M

Yo, this is so cool. This is for the chick who likes Alf. Man, I got all kinds of Alf memorabilia. You name it.T-shirts, posters, pins, trading cards, a stuffed animal in my bed. I even have one hanging up in my car, for Christ's sake. People MAKE FUN of me all the time. I'm 27 years old, not afraid to admit it. I got the dish and I always watch reruns of Alf. Alf rules, baby. Alf fucking rules. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M

Sweet merciful crap! Finally I've found someone who appreciates Alf as much as I do. This goes out to that girl. If you ever find the tapes--I used to have them but I lost them in a fire--if you ever find the Alf tapes, let me know. We can watch them in my parents' basement, I pay rent. It's all good. Alf, bring it on! [BLEEP!]

F

For the girl who has the Alf memorabilia fetish. Well, I've been making Mork dolls out of Ken for about 10 years now and I don't have any Alf stuff but I thought that we could get together and take DIRTY pictures of any Alf things you have with my Mork dolls. If you're into it, call me. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Okay, this is for the people who keep talking about the EMINEM FAGGOTS. Okay, fuck you. I'm not one of those politically correct uptight assholes, but the word faggot is extremely offensive, especially for people who are in the gay scene. So stop talking about faggots! Just say Eminem GEEKS, or whatever, but use another word. Okay? Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Okay, maybe some of you science-heads out there can help me out on something. I am so sick and tired of these trendy bisexuals who are only into chicks when there are guys around or an audience. So I'm wondering, where are all the fine sexy young lesbians hanging out these days? If you know where they are, hit me back. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I just wanna know where all the TOMBOYS went. I mean, where the hell did they go? You look everywhere on the streets and there's all these people with their hoop earrings and their friggin' way-too-tall shoes and their super-tight pants and crap and, like, where are the tomboys? Please tell me. [BLEEP!]

M

Okay, yesterday me and three of my friends went to La Ronde. One of my friends was playing the game where you have to drop metal circles to cover a big red circle and he covered all the red. But the guy who was working there kept saying "No, I see red, I see red." All four of us looked and none of us could see red, but he refused to give us the BEAR and he won it fair and square. So I think everyone should boycott those games at La Ronde or, at least, figure out what the fuck is going on. [BLEEP!]

M

Hello. I was just wondering why the government--bastards that they are--take so many fucking taxes off of you when you work so hard for that money. I mean, what is this? Jesus Christ, it's ridiculous. Anyway, anybody out there who's against that, please leave a message. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum