A royal bore

>> The Princess Diaries takes a regal dive

by JOANNE LATIMER

In Anastasia, Disney blamed the entire Russian Revolution on Rasputin. Now, in The Princess Diaries, we're expected to believe in a fake European principality called Genovia. I can't--not when the main action takes place in modern-day San Francisco. Maybe us North Americans suck at geography, but we still know the name of a fake country when we hear it. Genovia? Please. If Microsoft spell-check wouldn't recognize it, wouldn't these kids wonder?

Granted, I'm missing the point on purpose and a certain amount of suspended disbelief is essential for the Disney formula. It's considered an un-American activity to cry foul against the Mouse's fanciful take on history. (Don't get me started on Pocahontas.) But The Princess Diaries seems to want it both ways: we're to believe in the ultra- modern lifestyle of our Market Street heroine, Mia, but we're to buy into a fake country somewhere near France? And Julie Andrews (Mia's grandma) runs that country, while retaining her big British accent?

All these niggling points of geography and logic wouldn't draw so much attention to themselves, I suspect, if the acting and the plot wasn't so atrocious. The set-up is as follows: a geeky teen, Mia (Anne Hathaway) learns that her dead dad was a Prince in his own land. Her mom, an artist, drops the bomb when the Queen of Genovia (aka Grandma) comes to San Francisco to pass along the royal duties to her only blood relative.

The Eliza Doolittle routine between Mia and Queen/Grandma is mildly amusing, considering the My Fair Lady back-story. Within a week, Mia learns how to act like a princess for her first royal ball, thanks to her taskmaster Grandma. Things get slightly more interesting when Mia's loyalties become divided between her real friends and the popular kids who suddenly befriend her. But there's no reason why she wouldn't be in the popular crowd to begin with: you never believe for a minute that Mia is as geeky as she's supposed to be and you can tell she's a babe under the bad lighting.

Most damning of all is the fact that Hathaway is a frighteningly bad actress, especially beside Andrews and the fabulous Hector Elizondo (the concierge in Pretty Woman). Elizondo plays Genovia's official chauffeur and Grandma's secret tango partner. He steals the movie with meaningful glances in the rearview mirror. He alone understands Mia's tormented soul, as all good drivers do.

How strong, I wonder, is the princess fantasy in the tween market today? Strong enough to overcome the Genovia issue? The fate of The Princess Diaries depends on it.