This week: Nutsack juice, malaria, Kentucky fat!

Plus: Where to find the ultimate dream China doll!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Yeah, this is for the person complaining about the cancellation of Area:One shows. Fuck the live rap shows--that shit sucks live. Why don't I hear a fucking thing about the Roxy Music show being cancelled? That's fucking music, goddamn. [BLEEP!]

M

Salut, Montreal, this is Patrick Cameron Michaels calling from the Montreal based COUNTRY band Sundown and I'd just like to comment on the rant that I read from that lead singer from the country band who, obviously, didn't have enough chutzpah to give his name or the name of his band. His attitude about people who were playing the Jazz Fest this year does not in any way, shape or form represent the general country community here in Quebec. The country community is based on RESPECT and admiration toward musicians. Not just musicians in the country community, but musicians of all types. Country or jazz, it doesn't make a difference. I'm sorry, a guy who says he's with a country band, if he hasn't embraced these qualities--respect and admiration and a whole lot of love--or if he has any animosity toward any other kind of music, he doesn't belong in the music industry. I feel sorry for his bandmates because, with someone like him fronting the band, they're not gonna go too far. Have a good night, everybody, and God bless ye all. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this is Adam from the Fucknutz. Well, as I'm scratching my nutsack here, I'm reading that there's some guy who calls me an idiot because we're like the poor man's version of Metallica. I don't understand that concept because, first of all, we haven't made a fucking penny off the Internet so we have a reason to complain. We're fully, fully and completely eligible to make complaints. So if you still think I'm an idiot then fuck you, go buy my CD, listen to it and get back and make another rant because I think your personal worth is less than that of the juice off my nutsack. HAHA. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this is for all the little fucks who say they don't like Foufs because they don't like the bunch of little Eminem faggots there. Well, I happen to be one of those little Eminem faggots and it's not my fault I get all your little girlfriends' pussies wet. So, I mean, bring them somewhere else where they won't be attracted to me or fuck them right. Maybe you're gay, I don't know. But stop dissing Foufs because we go there. Anyway we don't want your little sluts so take them somewhere else. Later. [BLEEP!]

M

I am no longer among the living so can someone please tell me where I can meet some nice dead people? [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I'm sick and tired of all the MALARIA in Montreal. I just want to be able to walk down St-Laurent without having to be worried about some donkey licking me the wrong way and ending up in a hospital bed for eight months. Fuck that shit. Peace out, Rant Line(TM), peace. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. It's Tammy. I just wanted to say I'm tired of being the only FAT GIRL in the night scene. There are very few of us and too many of us stay home and think we're ugly and that's bullshit. If more of us would show up, I guarantee you, the scene would change. Nothing is sexier than a girl with self confidence and I want to see more of us out there. I'm not saying we have to dress in LEATHER MINI-SKIRTS, but we can if we want to. I just went to Kentucky, you see, and what's overweight there is totally different from what's overweight here. It's just, like, cool. We are who we are and if people don't like us, then that's sucky for them. I just want to see more of us dressing well and not covering up our beautiful bodies. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I called last week about the WATER POLICY at Sir Winston Churchill's and now I'm calling to rant because, apparently, they figured out who I was and I have now been barred from the bar for life. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this is to that girl who was talking about MuchMusic being the nation's music station yet you can't enter any of the contests in Quebec. Well, if you notice for any contest anywhere, nothing includes Quebec. And that's not a Canadian problem. You should take that grievance up with Loto-Québec and the gaming commission of Quebec. We are the only province in Canada that does this. We are unique, this distinct society that we live in, and Loto-Québec gets a cut on the gamings. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, this is to the bookstore guy from Mars Comics. Stop picking your nose. [BLEEP!]

F/B>

Okay, for the fuckhead looking for anal sex with an Asian girl. I hope your penis rots and falls off and that goes for the rest of you losers who are into exotic geishas. We are not all who you think we are. So check out this Web site for your ultimate dream CHINA DOLL. That's www.bigbadchinesemama.com. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum