This week: Chunky chubs, sauna gogounes, Chinese finger puppets!

Plus: Dry as a bone at Sir Winston Churchill!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

This is a rant for that girl complaining about the Area:One cancellation. What an idiot! Area:One was cancelled not because people didn't buy enough tickets, but because 514 didn't have enough time to move the whole thing from one place to another. You know, I'll be laughing my ass off when she reads her little rant, sitting at home feeling all great about herself because her rant got published, then she reads the article right beside it, explaining the whole thing. Dumbass. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F

This is in response to the person complaining about people not wanting to pay 60 "measly" dollars for great hip hop shows like OutKast at Area:One. Well, we're not cheap-asses--$60 is ridiculously over-priced. Plus, it was called a rave and it was not really a rave. So go pay your 60 measly dollars for your OutKast alone, because as good as OutKast is, I would rather sit and listen to the CD. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

What local music scene? All I hear is American and European artists. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I'm the lead singer of this new COUNTRY band in Montreal. I was wondering if we could play the next Jazz Fest, because it seems like every other goddamn band in the world plays there. True, I don't know the first thing about jazz, but apparently you don't need to. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

I just read the rant from the girl looking for open mics. I'll tell you where to go. On Thursday nights, there's a really great place called Melodisc on Décarie right near the Côte-Vertu metro station. They used to have an open mic, I'd try calling them first to make sure it's still going on. Just don't go to the open mic on Tuesdays at Cock 'N Bull because it's run by this fascist kid from the West Island and he hones in on all your shows. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, so I guess I have a rant. I'm going home on Friday night. At the last station, Cote-Vertu, I look to my right and find a FINGER PUPPET advertising our Jazz Festival. Score one for me. And, then, upon reading the tag, I see "Made in China." What the fuck? Is it actually more profitable for the distributor of merchandising to send out an order to China and have it sent back here, packaged and all? Why can't any local company get the gig? Where's our pride!? Fucking puppets!! [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F

If MuchMusic is the nation's music station, then why can't Quebec enter any of the contests? [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I read in the Rant Line(TM) this week that somebody was looking for Katie Holmes. Well, I personally have had an encounter with her. I saw her with Ben Affleck at Club Supersexe about two weeks ago. [BLEEP!]

M

Now this is for the dripping pussy who hates Foufounes and Eminem. You're lucky I don't know where you live because I'll fuck shit up your fucking ass, you lousy motherfucker! I hope you listen to Eminem until your ears bleed, (suddenly developing a Cockney accent), you bloody wanker!! [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F

I'm just calling because I think the entire city of Montreal should be aware that Sir Winston Churchill Pub has changed their WATER POLICY. They don't give out water anymore, they don't give out glasses of ice and they've turned off all the cold water in the bathrooms so that now only hot water comes out of the tap. Free water should be a right for everyone! My best friend passed out on the dance floor and that was the only way she was able to get a glass of water, when she was totally dehydrated. I had to pay $4.25 for a bottle of water last night and I think it's a RACKET. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

F

I just read this thing about Katie Holmes and Ben Affleck at Club Supersexe. I think that's a LIE. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Hi this is GOD. I'm calling about the asshole who shaved off all of his hair and plugged all of his orifices and is waiting for instructions. I'm sure getting really tired of you wackjobs down there doing all this weird shit and saying you're hearing my voice. Stop it now. Grow your hair. Unplug your orifices. Good bye. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

To the guy who burned off his hair and plugged his orifices: sing an articulate modulation and follow your nipples through heaven. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

What's with all these guys wearing FLIP FLOPS at the steam bath? Please, boys, when at the sauna, go barefoot. Your gogounes are not sexy and we don't care if you paid $100 for Hilfiger. Plus, they make silly sounds all night while you're pacing and waiting for sex. There are worse things to be caught at the sauna than athlete's foot. [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, you know what really sucks? Being a GAYBOY and a FATSO all at the same time. I mean, I think I'm pretty hot, but guys who are into rotund Romeos like myself seem to also require full beards and an active membership in the Bear's club from their fellas. Although I gave it a try, I know deep down that I'm not a Bear--not that there's anything wrong with that--and I don't really go for bushy facial hair myself. I don't even like the taste of BEER. Vodka and iced tea is more my taste. I feel like that Santa's elf who wants to be a dentist--as if I'm a misfit. I wonder if there are other chunky chubs in the same situation or am I really as alone and different as I feel? [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

M

Hey there! I have no problems meeting cute Asian girls, but I have yet to find one who likes anal sex. I would not even mind a chubby girl, sometimes it's more sexy. Are you for real or should I stop dreaming? [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum