DAMNRIGHT

>>

 MEAT MARKET

 The Americans want us dead... and soon. Thanks to Ontario's passing of the Red Tape Reduction Act, viatical settlements, otherwise known as "death futures," will be making Ontario's critically ill a hot investment for U.S. brokerage firms.

 The recently legalized practice allows investors to buy out private insurance policies in return for ownership. When the seller kicks, the buyer collects the face value of the policy. At a purchase price commonly between 35 and 80 per cent of the policy's value, the quicker the seller is dead, the better the return. Buyers generally prefer to score people with the ideal blend of high medical expenses and fatal illness, who are likely to need quick cash to pay for a few more months of life-sustaining care.

 Don't thank Canada's compassionate nature for previous refusal of viaticals. The main concern was the amount of viatical-related fraud in the U.S. The risks, however, were greatly outweighed by government expense of health care. :

 --Scott Saxon

 NETWORTHY

 PAST FORWARD

 Black market: Living in the shadows of quasi-legality, Abandonware, programs once commercially sold now absent from store shelves, are popular on the Net. Filling the ranks of Abandonware are classic games that everyone played, so companies made a mint off them, but weren't released for copyright-free distribution. But that shouldn't stop you from playing them.

 Flashback Abandonware is home to dozens of classic games, like the original Civilization, Colonel's Bequest and Tank Wars, as well as all the essential utilities to get these antiques running on your overpowered Y2G+1 PC. There are also links to other sites replete with old-skool games. Stroke your nostalgia joystick at www.flashback-aw.net

 Handy-dandy: Here's a helpful little Web page you'll be visiting over and over again--it's a word count applet. Now you don't have to launch your word processor to count words, especially handy if you're on a sketchy school computer that crashes with alarming regularity. Count 'em up at www.helpresource.com/word_count.htm. :

 --Michael Citrome

 MANBITESDOG

 BE PREPARED

 Determined to let nothing stand in the way of their National Jamboree, the Jakarta branch of the World Scout Movement, known around here as the Boy Scouts, took some unique precautions. In addition to having extra police and security on hand, the group hired 65 shamans to deal with any otherworldly gatecrashers.

 Tipped off by shaman co-ordinator Achmad Uswanda that the Baturraden--the site for the jamboree--was heavily populated by spirits, the scouts allotted 100-million Rupiah, just under $14,000 Canadian, to keep the 65 on the premises for the 14-day shindig. The shamans gathered on the site days before the jamboree to begin asking spirits to leave.

 Split into groups to ward off wild animals, bad weather and harmful spirits, the shamans were confidant of their success, though three scouts reportedly were found crying until they fainted. The shamans believe this was caused by a wayward spirit who reneged on their deal. :

 --Scott Saxon