This week: Open mic capitalism, Area:One cancellation, discriminating landlords!

Plus: Proud to be 32 E!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Hi. I just found that Area:One is cancelled and it's because only 1,000 tickets were sold. You people, what's wrong with you?! You know why we don't get any great hip hop shows? It's because idiots like you are not willing to spend 60 measly dollars for OutKast, Moby, I mean, I can't even believe the lineup. I would've paid 60 bucks just for OutKast, just OutKast alone! So if you want to know why we don't get good shows, it's because you guys are cheap-assed, don't know music, don't know shit. Friggin' idiots, man! [BLEEP!]

M

This goes out to that idiot from the Fucknutz complaining about his songs being on the Internet. What is he--a poor man's Metallica? If I were him, I'd shut my mouth. If you want to sell some CDs, book a show and sell your CDs there. If you've got people willing to download your music off the Internet, it means you've got some fans, so go out and play. Maybe try a little merchandising, maybe design a BASEBALL CAP. What's the matter with you, fuck? [BLEEP!]

F

This is for a message for the guy who just started rapping and says he's fucking great. The message for you, son, is you can't just START and be good. You have to go through some experiences. Rapping, if you know where it comes from, that's how you are, man. That's who you are. You can't just want to be rich and famous because you're going to be fucking wack. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I'm calling about the guy who dissed the Cock 'N Bull's open mic night. Listen, the guy who runs the thing is nice enough to let everybody go and play three songs whether they're good or not. So if he hones in on all of your shows, it's maybe because you suck and we don't need CAPITALIST pricks like you there. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, this is Brian. I'm calling for all those guys looking for an open mic to play at. The one at Café Melodisc got shut down. Actually, I was the host. It got shut down for somewhat capitalistic reasons, but it was a cool scene and they had something going on in St-Laurent. If you want to start it up again, just come down and show your support. We need your help. Go to Café Melodisc, which is near Côte-Vertu metro on Décarie, and talk to the funny man with the moustache, he's the owner. Oh, and by the way, does anyone know the most efficient way to jiggle the handle? [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, this is for the dumb fuck who complained about landlords leaving their For Rent signs up. He's an idiot, because it's obvious that they leave the For Rent signs up so they DISCRIMNATE once they see your face. You go to the door and you ask if there's a place for rent, they don't like your face and they tell you, "No, fuck off." [BLEEP!]

M

I have burned off all my hair and I have plugged all my orifices with God. I await your instructions. [BLEEP!]

M

This is for all those disrespectful guys who come to the Subway where I work and who talk on their fucking cell phones while ordering, telling me what they want in their sub as if I was some fucking automatic MACHINE. Would you please act with respect before I break down on you and kick you out of the place?! Peace out now. [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the chick who was ranting about how large-chested women should wear BRAS. How can you say you love women and then make a comment like that? If there's one thing I'm beginning to loathe, it's hearing women slandering each other's bodies. Women come in all different shapes and sizes, that's what makes them so beautiful. I'm a 32 E by nature and I spent my entire adolescence feeling self-conscious about my bras, my breasts. I'd watch small-chested women sport skimpy, sexy tank tops made to be worn braless and I'd go home and reconsider my options to get a breast reduction. But you know what? I'm not going to lower myself and MUTILATE my body just because people like you think it's taboo for women with big tits to walk around braless. Sure, they sag a bit more--it's just like scrotums and flesh and anything else following the laws of gravity. That's what bodies do. And if you have a problem with that, maybe you should find an island somewhere full of women with perfect super-model PERKY TITS and move there. Because people like you ain't gonna stop me anymore from walking around without a bra! My breasts are beautiful, I'm sure yours are, too. If there's one thing this world needs, it's a little more tolerance. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I love women, too. I also love bras very much. The one I'm wearing now is a 36 DD from WonderBra, Natural Accents. Very nice. I'd also like to know if there's any women out there who would really like to see a guy in a bra. Let me know. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum