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Free birds
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Puppetry of the Penis liberates male genitalia
by GENEVIEVE PAIEMENT
Alternately known as dick tricks, stupid ball tricks or genital origami, the penile acrobatics in Puppetry of the Penis are being falsely advertised as an "ancient Australian art." True, the show is the brainchild of two Aussie dudes (Simon Morley and David Friend), but to purport that dick tricks originated down under is just as ludicrous as claiming masturbation as a purely Canadian invention. Clearly, boys have been playing with themselves since the beginning of time. It just took two jokers from Melbourne to bring this pastime out into the open like some kind of preposterous, private-parts Vaudevillian act. The Mirror caught up with them on their U.K. tour to talk about just how funny their penises can be when they're projected onto a three-storey-high screen and contorted to look like the Loch Ness monster.
Mirror: How long have you two been practicing penile puppetry professionally?
Simon Morley: Professionally for about four years, but I've been doing them for friends for much longer. My younger brother actually taught me how to do them. He came home one day and showed me a Hamburger and it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. I fell off the couch laughing. So we built up a healthy repertoire, trying to make each other laugh, basically. It made for a couple of very strange Christmas days.
Mirror: Do men and women react differently to your penis puppets?
SM: I think for men, it's a sort of liberation of the penis and for women it's very much an educational show. We have a camera that projects all the images onto a big screen. There are not many women out there who've had the chance to look at a flaccid penis for close to an hour, but not just a flaccid penis for nearly an hour, but a three- storey-high penis. We try to make the screen as big as we can wherever we are.
M: What do you mean by liberation of the penis?
SM: The female body has been exploited in the arts and the media for centuries, while male genitalia has been hidden away with a lot of shame attached to it. Basically we're saying, "Look, there is nothing pretty about male genitalia, but let's all have a good belly laugh at its expense. Let's be honest--it's very funny." We call them instalations. We have about 45 favourites in the show, but we know a total of about 60, my ultimate favourites being the Hamburger and the Loch Ness monster.
M: Has anyone ever tried to stop the penis party on the grounds of obscenity?
SM: In the place we're playing tonight, Worthing, there's a city councillor who actually said she'd quit her job if the show went ahead. It's completely sold-out and has been for a couple of months now, so we might just pop into McDonald's and thank her for selling all those tickets for us.
M: What's her beef with penises?
SM: I don't know. Trying to ban something that you know nothing of is very ignorant. Some people see the word penis and they freak out. And yet it's a completely non-sexual show. We don't use swear words. We try to be as nice as we possibly can, while walking on stage with our genitals out.
M: Do you get any attention from ladies after they see what your genitals can get up to?
SM: We've found that there really are no groupies in dick tricks. There is the occasional excited housewife, but once people see what we actually do with our genitals, the last thing they think of is sex. Mind you, we're open to offers. Do you want to have a word with my partner, David Friend? He's the Dirk Diggler of the team, the one with the big porno moustache. [Friend takes the phone.]
David Friend: Actually, I'm only Dirk Diggler from the waist up. Simon's Dirk Diggler from the waist down.
M: How did you get into this mess?
DF: My training started as a little boy making shapes in the bath, but it wasn't until I got to university that I realized it was a pretty widespread thing. In Australia it's a real football-club, male-bonding thing. It's a lot more common than ladies think. And it's actually the older ladies' reactions that have been the most incredible. At one of our earlier shows, a woman came up to Simon and said "Son, I've been waiting 60 years to see a penis like that." Then she thanked him and gave him a big hug. That's job satisfaction.
M: So what can Montreal expect from your show?
DF: Well, we like to localize a little, so we'll find some local landmarks and put them in the show, by recreating them with our genitalia.
M: You might want to try to do the Olympic Stadium.
DF: You guys are still paying that one off aren't you?
M: Yeah, you might want to try to pull it off.
DF: There's another pun for you. You don't even see them coming--but that's another one! Ha ha!
Puppetry of the Penis plays from July 10-22 at the Cinquième-Salle of Place des arts, 8pm, $21.50; info: 845-2322
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