This week: Fucknutz, Foufounes, stupid lazy landlords!

Plus: The rules for going braless!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

I'm just ranting because I just started rapping and I'm fucking great! I have people who are willing to pay money for my shit but I can't find a DJ. I don't know why it's so fucking hard--I just want a fucking DJ to put out some PHAT BEATS for me so that I can fucking do my shit and fucking be famous and RICH. That's all. [BLEEP!]

M

I've tried the classifieds, I've tried making flyers and ads. I just want to know where I can find some musicians who want to do original R&B, hip hop soul music. You know, something current, with a multi-ethnic band. It's almost as if black musicians are AFRAID to work with WHITE people like myself. Shit, I have more soul than a lot of black people I know. Anyway, whatever. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

This is Adam from Montreal's most infamous band the Fucknutz. I was surfing the Web on Google yesterday and found 50 Web sites that carry our music. Our album, Fartknocker, cost us time and money and we made squat, sweet fuck- all. We're now looking for a label to finance our next album, called Drink My Offspring. Now if all these big Web sites took their time and space to steal and RAPE our music for their own benefit, we must be good. Internet stardom is cool but not one dastardly penny for us to help cover our expenses!? I want the Fucknutz to live on for many, many years to come. So do any of you Rant Line(TM) pricks have any suggestions? [BLEEP!]

M

This is a message for all the fuckers who go to the Foufounes Électriques and who like Eminem. Eminem sucks! The Foufounes Électriques was, like, Sex Pistols and the Ramones. Now it's full of you hip hop lovers. I hate you all and go die. [BLEEP!]

M

I just read the rant from the girl looking for open mics. I'll tell you where to go. On Thursday nights, there's a really great place called Melodisc on Décarie right near the Côte-Vertu metro station. They used to have an open mic, I'd try calling them first to make sure it's still going on. Just don't go to the open mic on Tuesdays at Cock 'N Bull because it's run by this fascist kid from the West Island and he hones in on all your shows. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

This is Larissa and I host an open mic, it's on Wednesdays at Yesterday's Pub on 1429 Bishop. I also know that there's an open mic at Brutopia on Sunday nights and they're both listed in the Mirror so no excuses. Hope to see you there. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I love women. I really think women are beautiful. However, some of them look better when they're packaged a bit more together. So I wanted to make sure that everyone knows this RULE for the summer. If you have a bra size of a B or smaller, you can go braless. If you are a B or, let's say, C or larger, wear a bra. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I read in the Rant Line(TM) this week that somebody was looking for Katie Holmes. Well, I personally have had an encounter with her. I saw her with Ben Affleck at Club Supersexe about two weeks ago. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I just called up an escort service tonight and I had this guy come over. I basically got a nice blowjob. I consider myself STRAIGHT but it felt really good. So for all those people who are straight and say that they'll never be with another guy, fuck you because I just saw one guy give me a great blowjob and he had a great cock. [BLEEP!]

M

Eggs. Bacon. Extra large telephone. Waffle. Egon from Ghostbusters. Skyscraper. Highlighter. Itchy ass! [BLEEP!]

F

What is up with ROOMATES, man? I naively agreed to live with two boys for two months. Yeah, sure, come on down to Montreal, check it out, have fun, why not? Split the rent. Sounds fine. Two months later, I'm sounding like my mother after telling these guys every fucking day, "Could you please wash your dishes?" "Could you please clean the fucking sink when you shave and you leave your beard all over the place?" "Would you mind cleaning the ashtrays after it's overflowing for three days and hey, maybe, take out the recycling considering that it's overflowing with beer bottles?" To all these people who are moving in with people who they don't know, who aren't already friends with them: beware! Beware! Beware! [BLEEP!]

M

Will all you stupid lazy landlords please take your "For Rent" signs down when you get your apartment rented out already? It would save us a lot of time and trouble. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M

Where are all the Jewish lesbians? Where are NOT the Jewish lesbians? And why fuck the gay Italians? I wanna know: where the fuck are the HUMANS out there? Are there any fucking humans left, please? Yeah, peace out. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum