This week: Motorcycle Guy, Napoleon's Wrath Syndrome, gay Italians!

Plus: Katie Holmes won't return calls!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

Hi. My name's PJ and I went to the Whereabouts show last night where I met this guy. He had this motorcycle HELMET and motorcycle clothes and he was really cool. He talked to me about his motorcycle and he said, "Hey PJ, do you want to go for a ride on my motorcycle?" And I was all, like, "sure" and he said to me, "It's parked a little ways away so let's walk." So we walked for eight blocks and I was, like, "What the hell, man, where's your motorcycle?" And he finally admitted that he didn't have a motorcycle! It was so embarrassing. I keep seeing this motorcycle guy around and I just want to say to him and everybody else that he's a stupid lying jerk. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Could somebody please tell me where in this city there is an R&B or hip hop club that's not just a hang out for a bunch of 12 and 15 year olds? I keep hearing there are a couple good clubs out here but there's, like, nothing. Nothing for someone in the right age group, you know? Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I've got a problem and I'd like very much for you to please print it--I'm looking for OPEN MICS where I can go play and read and stuff like that. I keep looking through the papers and I just don't find any open mic listings. I would be really grateful if you'd tell me where they are. This is my LAST HOPE. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. This is for the guy looking for a girl with a HAIR FETISH. I have a hair fetish and I wouldn't mind just sitting there and brushing your hair and rubbing your head if that is what you want. There's no problem with that. I'm also wondering if you're a musician who's capable of writing songs because I'm looking to start a band. So yeah, I can, like, rub your head and brush your hair if you'd like. [BLEEP!]

F

Be careful of Doctor Love because there seems to be a Napoleon's Wrath Syndrome going around where women are getting picked up and going with men and they're getting raped instead. Or STRANGE things have been happening. Just be careful. I mean, you may want someone to come and fuck your brains out but you may not want to deal with a Napoleon's Wrath kind of guy. They're usually 5'7" or 5'8" and very well ENDOWED and horny as hell and you don't know what the hell is going on with them. They're also usually liars. So be careful girls. [BLEEP!]

M

I got a rant to make. I got a claim to stake. I got a case to take. I gotta shake the SNAKE. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, Katie Holmes, that nice juicy Joey girl from Dawson's Creek, is in town filming some movie called Abandon with that guy from Law and Order. I wanna lick her and make her smile. I gave some guy who works for the movie my number to give to her but she never called me. Please call the Rant Line(TM) if you've seen her or know where she hangs out. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M

When you eat beans, you fart more and they smell really bad. You heard it here first. [BLEEP!]

M

How HOT was it last week? Very hot. You know it's hot when your girlfriend doesn't want to get it on. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F

Last year I slept at my friend's house with two of my best friends and we got really, really DRUNK and we started watching PORN and then we were feeling kind of, you know, HORNY so we started doing things together 'cuz there were no guys. Since that night I have never touched another girl again and now I have a boyfriend. But I had this one girl come up to me and she's okay but after a week she tells me she's a lesbian. So I'm, like, "Okay." Then after two weeks she tells me she's in love with me--so now I don't know what the to do. 'Cuz sometimes I feel like going towards her, sometimes I don't, because, for one, I have my boyfriend and, two, like, I don't know exactly know what to do. So, like, if anybody could, like, give me their point of view on this, I really, really need it. So thanks a lot everybody. Ciao. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M

Hello. This is to the straight guy who thought I was coming on to him. Listen, I usually don't come on to straight men because I've noticed that they generally have one little problem: they usually don't SUCK DICK. Okay, bye now. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this is for the gay guy wondering about the Italians. I just want to tell him I'm a Gino, I'm Italian, my name is Tony and I'm gay. There are a lot of us who say, "Me, I" who are actually gay because I, me, I'm one of them. [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, I just want to say fuck the gay Italians, where are all the Jewish lesbians? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum