What a bomb

>> Pearl Harbor gets the explosions right--and nothing else

by MATTHEW HAYS

Where would Michael Bay be without slo-mo? The director behind such intricate masterworks as The Rock and Armageddon so often relies on it, as he does in Pearl Harbor. It's a great way to make the scene more poignant--like when the bombs start dropping, people get killed in graphic detail or your bitch ends up in bed with your best friend after they think you've been killed in combat.

Such is the scenario in Pearl Harbor, essentially an orgy of impressive special effects that are wrapped up in about two hours of insufferable romantic-conundrum filler. First things first: the effects are gorgeous. Bay and producer Jerry Bruckheimer, longtime fans of wanton destruction, take their explosive fetish to new heights here. Taking copious nods from apocalypse-obsessed auteur James Cameron, Bay really works the terror-and-mayhem thing to death. In particular, Cameron's box-office granddaddy, the Oscar-winning Titanic, is liberally milked for setups: drowning cohorts, panic on deck, ships turning on their sides etc. Fun!

Planes whizzing through the air make for exciting camera shots--and then there are those big, thick, pulsating bombs, which, thanks to the magic of computer-generated digital stuff, we can actually follow from the plane down to the ship about to be blown to smithereens. What a sight on the big screen! I almost threw up three times!

The aforementioned romance doesn't really warrant another mention, but I am obligated to offer at least something of a synopsis. Ben Affleck falls for Nurse Hottie (Kate Beckinsale). After he crash-lands at sea, everyone thinks he's dead. Beckinsale and Affleck's childhood friend Josh Hartnett get it on. Affleck isn't dead, of course (how could he be?), and the two have to work through this terrible ordeal. I almost threw up three times.

Unintentional irony often infects the contemporary WWII movie. Vietnam, being such an entirely unpopular and questionable war, was easy to make cynical movies about. There was no ambiguity, for example, when the troops sang the theme to The Mickey Mouse Club at the end of Full Metal Jacket. But how on earth do you condemn war and remain jingoistic and patriotic at once, a question raised by a film like Saving Private Ryan?

That question exists within Pearl Harbor, during which, it must be noted, we see the terrible human effects of war on Americans, but absolutely none of those human effects when Americans drop bombs on the Japanese later in the movie. But another irony becomes far more prominent as the film drags on. Certainly, we're supposed to revile the Japanese for their surprise bombing campaign. But Bay's emotional manipulation backfires rather nastily here: I suspect audiences will be so worn down by the film's mind-numbingly dull opening 90 minutes, they'll be cheering on those lovely enemy troops for actually delivering the cinematic goods, no matter how many human lives they cost. It must be a first: a big-budget Hollywood movie about WWII where the Japanese troops and their tactics look so damn sweet.

Pearl Harbor opens Friday, May 25