Rockin' in the Rolls

>> The many twists and turn-offs of driving a limo

by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Joey Fumo

Age: 34

Occupation: Limo driver. Owner of Joey's Limousines.

Salary: $200 an hour for a high school graduation group.

Bio: This sporty LaSalle resident has been chauffeuring people around town for close to seven years now. Taking the mantle from his father, who was a career cabbie, Joey drove his dad's taxi for 10 years before hitting the big time and landing the gig of personal chauffeur for a prominent Westmount zillionaire. After his zillionaire left Montreal for the greener pastures of Toronto, Joey, who as a child dreamed of becoming a policeman, opted to start his own limo business and has been his own boss ever since. He currently owns a fleet of six limos and a 1957 Rolls Royce.

How often he has had to clean up puke from the back of his limo after escorting a squad of high school grads around on their big night? Never. So far the kids have always been able to barf out the window or hold it in until they could get outside.

Who are some of his best customers? Strippers on their nights off constitute 40 per cent of his business. "You know, if you get eight girls together and they want to go up north to Bourbon Street or just go around to the clubs, a limo can be cheaper than if they go out in pairs and take taxis all over the place."

Something he finds embarrassing: Sitting in the front of his car, parked on Ste-Catherine, while two of his clients have sex in the back seat. "Everybody knows what's going on and is looking at you because the limo is stationary but still hopping all over the place."

Does he ever watch his customers going at it by way of his rearview mirror? No, they always close the divider when they are getting ready to express themselves sexually. "I usually hear it though."

Two bad personality traits that can develop when people are escorted around in a limousine:

1) They can get cocky.

2) They can get all excited and want to stick their heads out of the sunroof and yell at pedestrians.

The cost to Joey if the police witness his clients sticking their pea-brained heads out of the sunroof and yelling at pedestrians: $500.

How he reacts if some cocky rich-kid teenager who's hired his services tells him to just shut his mouth and drive: He shuts his mouth and drives. "You may want to take the kid and strangle him but you have to remember that you're running a business, so you do your best to take it all in stride. But rest assured that kid will never set foot in one of my limos again."

Two glamour queens he has had the privilege of chauffeuring: Engelbert Humperdinck and Melissa Etheridge.

Where he hangs out: If Joey and his wife are looking for a night on the town they will probably go to Thursdays on Crescent.

Musical tastes: Underground dance.

His words to live by: "Mind your own business and you will live longer. Where I come from, that's the one important thing to remember." :

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