Night of the drunken ladies
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A handy guide to getting wasted for free at this city's ladies' nights
by LEAH TEMPER
Back in the day, when the cult of ladies' nights was largely confined to the Crescent Street area and we still had to use our sisters' IDs to get into the clubs, going out to ladies' night was something of an art for us. We would transform ourselves with mascara, high heels and tight pants (which we swore we would never wear otherwise) arrive at the club promptly at 10 p.m. with all of five dollars in our pockets, drink frantically for two hours, stumble out at midnight and make a mad dash to get to the club we actually wanted to go to, with a few piss and puke stops in the alley on the way.
Not much has changed since then (except, astonishingly, nowadays we wear tight pants willingly). We're still broke, we still hate high-energy dance music, we still piss in alleys and we still want to get completely slaughtered for free.
So, finding myself once again in the unenviable position of having too much time and not enough funds on my hands, I have embarked on an ambitious yet daunting venture, an entire week of ladies' night boozing.
The good news is that ladies' night is no longer the sole domain of cheesy bronzed-and-bleached Mix96 venues--it has infiltrated every corner of the city and you can now sip highballs on the house (to the soundtrack of your choice) almost every night of the week.
However, not all ladies' nights are created equal. The usual fare includes speed-rail cocktails such as rum, gin, vodka and whiskey, but ladies' night can mean anything from one free shooter to an open bar all night long.
Tuesday
The Living (4521 St-Laurent)
Cover: $7
Freebies: Vodka, rum, peach schnapps
Duration: 9 p.m.-12:30 a.m.
Potential for drunkenness QQQQQ
We drove to the Living with friends and in the spirit of keeping total overhead costs to a minimum, we not only came equipped with passes but also left our jackets in the car to avoid coat check. Unfortunately, they were prepared for us, and charged us $1.50 for our imaginary coats regardless, the nerve! They demonstrated the same savvy at the bar where they automatically charge the ladies' a dollar tip for each "free" beverage to ensure that the common no-money-out, no-tip phenomenon doesn't ensue.
We were happy to comply, as they offer top- quality alcohol with a selection of vodka, peach schnapps and my personal favourite, Jamaican Appleton Rum. The female bartenders downstairs in the hip hop area were a bit too men-favouring for our liking, so after a few cocktails, we moved the party upstairs to the Latin flavours room, where couples in tight leather suits were dancing salsa and merengue. I was immediately asked to dance by an unattractive short man; I accepted and had a great time being twirled around masterfully. Ladies' night makes for some perfect commitment-free dancing, so it is highly recommended to pretend you're in Latin America, grab the closest guy, swing him around and then walk away when you're done.
Bacci's (3553 St-Laurent)
Cover: None
Freebies: Shooters, pool
Duration: All night
Potential for drunkenness: QQQQQ
Bacci's is the ideal place to go shoot some pool with friends without the competitive element that men bring to the game. Their ladies' night wins hands-down for kitsch factor; each woman is presented with a single red rose when she orders a drink. According to our scientific calculations each rose contains approximately 16-22 petals, each of which is exchangeable for a luscious shooter, in our case golden tequila sunrise. Wisely, only one petal can be traded in at a time, but with the likes of Lauryn Hill playing in the background, free pool all night and a shooter girl who will sing on request, we recommend you just sit back, relax and engage in some long-neglected girl talk.
Wednesday
Cheers (1260 Mackay)
Cover: None
Freebies: Vodka, rum, gin, whiskey
Duration: 10 p.m.-1 a.m.
Potential for drunkenness: QQQQQ
McKibbin's (1426 Bishop)
Cover: None
Freebies: Vodka, rum, gin, whiskey
Duration: 9 p.m.-1 a.m.
Potential for drunkenness: QQQQQ
Wednesday night is a horny college girl's wet dream. Two competing nights at Cheers and McKibbins offer all the cocktails you can drink until 1 a.m. and a wide selection of men vying to catch the gaze of your beer goggles. We started the night at McKibbin's, that authentic Irish pub/club with three levels. Until midnight you can sling them back in the pub downstairs to the soothing sounds of Dylan and the Beatles, but after that you are herded upstairs to the club on the third floor where you can get down to Top-40 mayhem on the packed dance floor until 1 a.m.
Two bars offer brisk service, and the bartenders will occasionally let you order up to four tiny drinks at a time, with rum, gin, vodka and rye on the menu. After imbibing a dozen cocktails and refusing the advances of a dozen slurring males, we made our way to Cheers, where we were greeted by more of the same collegiate meat-market vibe. I could have sworn I was in Ontario. We guzzled down a few more, permanently damaged a few cocky guys' egos, and left before we did anything stupid.
Thursday
Jingxi (410 Rachel E.)
Cover: $6
Freebies: 2-for-1 for ladies
Duration: All night
Potential for drunkenness: QQQQQ
We arrived at Jingxi early so we could get sufficiently lubricated before the open bar closed at midnight. However, we were still too late: it seems that recently they changed their policy so that the special is now two-for-one for the ladies rather than an open bar. They call that ladies' night?
Disappointed that we had missed a good evening of free drinking, we decided to go to my friends' place of work, where I drank a plethora of shooters, several mixed drinks and a beer. I then proceeded to fistfight with one of my friends who was defending Nelly Furtado, hurting his finger and making him leave without his jacket. I thought that was funny, and when my friend Fiona disagreed, I got into a big fight with her, wouldn't talk to her the whole way in the cab, and puked in the toilet when I got home. It really brought back the good old days.
Friday
Polly Esther's (4240 St-Laurent)
Cover: Free before midnight, $10 after
Freebies: Rum, vodka, gin, whiskey and draft beer
Duration: 10 p.m.-12 a.m.
Potential for drunkenness: QQQQQ
Polly Esther's ladies' night was inspired by a formula that proved extremely successful at a club in Moscow. At The Hungry Duck, three times a week women only are allowed in for the equivalent of 60 cents and treated to free drinks and strip tease shows until midnight. The alcohol and the gyrating male bodies onstage combine to bring the women to a state of frenzied rapture. Soon they begin tearing their clothes off and begging to be lifted onstage to participate in the all-out orgy that takes place between the lucky chosen participants and the sculpted g-stringed models. Outside, an army of men gathers, waiting for midnight when the doors open and they can fork up a considerable portion of their monthly salary to descend upon the waiting sea of liquored-up female flesh.
Much to our dismay, Polly Esther's doesn't offer any muscled dancers for our viewing pleasure. What they do offer, however, is free entrance and free alcohol for women until midnight, and a refreshing atmosphere free of men where you can perform all those crazy dance moves you used to do in the '80s without shame. The bar service is excellent and we found that without the distracting presence of males, much more industrious drinking can be achieved.
While the girls downstairs dance and grind to '80s tunes such as "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", courtesy of DJ George Michaels, the men upstairs mill about, bobbing their heads and wondering what's missing from their lives. At midnight the doors open and the throng of men pile in to lambada with the boozed-up women. Everybody goes home happy.
Sunday
Candie's (1830 Ste-Catherine W.)
Cover: $3
Freebies: Sex shows, one free shooter
Duration: All night
Potential for drunkenness: QQQQQ
Club Crescent (1423 Crescent)
Cover: $6
Freebies: Rum, vodka, gin, whiskey
Duration: all night
Potential for drunkenness: QQQQQ
Sometimes a girl wants to go out and view some high-quality lesbian sex without her boyfriend drooling on her shoulder. Unfortunately, most strip clubs only allow entrance to women when accompanied by men. It is for all us pervy girls out there that Candie's has created their Sunday night ladies' night "For Women Who Love Women."
We arrived at midnight and the party was already underway with three voluptuous sex kittens on stage pouring milk all over one another and then lapping it up with their tongues. The girls seemed to be enjoying themselves tremendously, giggling and playfully trampling all over one another. Foregoing the "I can see up your ass" seats, we sat a respectful distance from the stage and leaned back to enjoy the show.
The audience of randy eager females that I had anticipated was non-existent. As a matter of fact, we were the only group of females in the audience. We were immediately approached by a stunning Asian dancer stolen from the pages of a comic book, who flung her fuck-me-boots on our table and wasted no time in telling us she was a lesbian, as she eyed us each in turn. I averted her gaze and tried to focus on the show, which featured regular boring strip teases in between the lesbian eye candy. For their second performance, our three shapely ladies emerged dressed as a strict headmistress and two naughty schoolgirls who needed some serious punishment. The headmistress slapped their asses for being bad and forced them to eat her pussy as they pranced around topless in plaid skirts.
The time came for audience participation and my perky friend Jen was chosen as the lucky volunteer. They escorted her onstage and sat her down in a chair, on which one nubile young goddess executed a headstand, bringing her crotch directly on level with Jen's face. Did she lick? I wouldn't know, but the other two dancers dug in hungrily. While Jen was being slapped on the ass and covered in body paint, back at our table the Asian beauty was making considerable headway with my friend Kate, and while her offer of a free lap dance was refused she did manage to extract a phone number from her.
Not having been able to fulfill our quota of alcohol for the evening at Candie's, which offers only one free shot, we walked over to Club Crescent, where for a $6 cover charge you can drink cocktails out of plastic cups all night long. When we walked in at 2 a.m., only a handful of revellers remained. We waited patiently for drinks from the occupied bartender as he licked whipped cream off the stomach of a customer spread out on the bar. I laughed too soon, because before I knew it I was being laid down on the bar, with my midriff covered in whipped cream and Bailey's as my two friends licked me clean.
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