This week: Shit counts, dog shit bags, hip hop shit!

Plus: Charming fat guys and squeegee with cell phone!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

I just wanna say thank God for female Frank Zappa fans--but not POODLES. But where are you all at? By the by, I've got Freak Out on vinyl. My name is Raphael. Look me up in the phone book. And the local scene misses Revelation Zero. Godspeed to all true anarchists. Peace. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Get one thing straight about hip hop. It has always been about bitches and hos and niggaz and pimps and shit, right from the beginning. From old, old, old hip hop, people were talking about that shit in their tracks. So you can't sit there and say "I'm listening to real hip hop that's talking about positive things," as if that's the only good hip hop. Yes, yes, that's all good, but the other shit is just as real. If you don't want to hear it, maybe it's because you're living in some clueless reality where that kind of shit doesn't exist. The shit exists, listen to it. Some of it's actually very good. If you don't know that, maybe it's because you just started listening to hip hop two years ago. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, this is for the two girls from Laval who wonder why they can only find BAD WEED in Montreal. It's probably because they buy their stuff at Berri metro station. Those guys are terrible! They're gonna harass you for 15 minutes to sell you their tiny piece of crap. No way! Long live independent drug dealers! Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F

To those two girls in Laval in regard to their shit weed and shit count and all that. It's probably because the dealers knew that they were from Laval, so they were making optimum money. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, this is in response to the FAT GUY wondering if sexy chicks go after you kind of people. Well, honestly, it has a lot to do with CHARM. Chances are, if you're an asshole and you're fat, you won't get a hot girl. But if you have charm and you know how to sweep her off her feet, you'll get her. I'm speaking from experience. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, I'm a hot girl and I just read this rant asking if hot girls like fat guys. Umm, well, some hot girls do, depending on how fat the guy is and if he has a NICE FACE. Also, personality is a good thing. If you have personality, it's a plus but, so far, all the fat guys I've found don't have personality--except for my dad, and even he was skinny at some point in his life. But whatever, just go anorexic for a while. I'm sorry, I'm really shallow. And I had too much to drink. [BLEEP!]

F

I'm an extremely hot girl and I used to have a big thing for fat guys. It was like, all of a sudden, one day, I realized I was really attracted to the King of Queens and the lead singer of the Barenaked Ladies and, oh, the guy on the Sopranos! Hubba hubba. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, I'm from the Plateau and I'm sexy. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, I'm calling to get a male perspective. This is really important. Me and my best friend, we're two beautiful girls and we're sick and tired of seeing these gorgeous good-looking guys downtown with these ugly, ugly SKANKS, okay? We don't understand this. We're not playing hard-to-get or anything. We get looks but these cute guys, they won't do anything. And the next time we see them, they're with these ugly, ugly girls. WHY? Please, this is the question of the millennium, okay? We girls need an answer to it. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M

Okay, listen up, there are a lot of people out there who walk their DOGS, clean up their dog's shit and put it in the garbage, fine. But there are also those who pick it up, leave it in the little bag and then toss it at the tree where their dog crapped in the first place. Thus rendering the crap totally NON-DECOMPOSABLE until a whole pile of these little bags builds up and the flies are trying to break through the plastic and the shit's trying to get out of the bag and trying to break down into mother nature. Come on, man, just pick up your garbage and bring it to the can. It might take a couple of blocks and it may stink a little bit but, please, we're getting crazy around this neighbourhood. [BLEEP!]

F

Another sign of the coming APOCALYPSE, apart from the second coming of Martine St. Clair and Mad Cow disease--I just saw a squeegee punk on the corner of Bleury and Ste-Catherine with a fucking cell phone. The squeegee is stylized and he has a cell phone and he's too busy talking on the cell phone to squeegee! [BLEEP!]

M

This is a message to all the sidewalk cyclists. When you're sneaking up behind me and expect me to get out of the way, don't expect a holler to communicate this. Hollers, shouts and yahoos indicate people, horns indicate cars and BELLS indicate bicycles. Buy a fucking bell and I'll get the fuck out of your way. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum