This week: Local goat boys, naked Zappa fans, Laval beach!

Plus: Beautiful women urged to proclaim their sexiness!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

I think it's unfortunate that the quasi-indie SURF scene has disappeared in Canada. I mean, Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet, you know, Kids in the Hall, right? They were a good band. I'm wondering why aren't there any more bands like that out there and if there are, well, get out there. Get out to the music scene, my boy. [BLEEP!]

M

There was a show that blew the roof off the Medley and made people puke in their boots. It was the best show to hit Montreal in ages. Definitely the best show to hit the Medley in ages. I'm talking about March 31, the Medley, where the IWF proved to all the old school that we are here to stay and we are HARDCORE and forever. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, this is for the guy who said that there weren't any female Frank Zappa fans. Well, I'm sorry, mister, but I've been a Frank Zappa fan since before you were even wearing DIAPERS, okay? So you should just be more aware of what's going on in the female environment and that we're very in tune with Frank Zappa and the Sex Pistols and that he should keep an eye out. By the way, I'm NAKED right now. [BLEEP!]

F

For the guy who's wondering if there are any female Frank Zappa fans. Well, I'm female and I'm a Frank Zappa fan and I was just wondering if you knew where I could get the album Freak Out on vinyl, because I've been looking for it everywhere for a really long time and I can't find it anywhere. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, I am a female and love Frank Zappa. My favourite albums are Freak Out and Shut Up and Play Your Guitar. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, this is a 21-year-old female answering the Frank Zappa fan. Well, that'me, I'm it. I've been listening to Frank Zappa for about six years now and I think he's great. "Don't Eat Yellow Snow," one of the greatest songs ever. "Jewish American Princess," one of the best. I'm glad to hear that there are other people who have taste in Montreal. [BLEEP!]

M

Hello, this is D.B. Buttons, the editor of El Magazino, and this is to the girl who was wondering what she should when she goes to her first rave. I think she should definitely check out the how to become, like, a totally rad hardcore raver dude in the article in El Magazino #1, which has already hit the streets. You probably won't be able to find a copy, but look for issue #2, where the author of that article writes a new article on how to join his new hippie beach commune. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, I'm with my friend Caro and my name is Nathalie and we come from Laval. We were just wondering why we always get fucking shit WEED every time we come down to Montreal. You get this fucking .4 shit humid for 10 bucks. It's a complete screw-off. All you Montrealers who are sick and tired of your disgusting pot should come down to Laval beach and you'll get a fucking good buzz, man, for five bucks. And a fucking bigger and better buzz for 10 bucks. So, you guys come down and you'll meet me and Caro down in Laval beach. See ya. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, this is in response to the marshal in the St. Patrick's Day Parade. My friends and I are most likely the assholes you talked about a couple of weeks ago. It's drunk assholes like us who make the parade interesting and successful. I think we all know it's not the cheap floats and high school bands that keep people coming back to the parade every year. One fact remains--as drunk as we might get, we'll never be as drunk as the people marching in the parade. [BLEEP!]

M

Today I went out for a walk in Montreal and I noticed all the beautiful girls in town and I was just thinking--I was in New York for Spring Break and there's some ugly dogs walking around in downtown Manhattan. Montreal rules, man, I just wanted to say that. New York should change its name from the Big Apple to the Dog Pound. If you're a Montreal chick who's beautiful, raise your hand and say "I'm sexy." Take care and have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

F (bored mental patient, moaning and sounding somewhat less bored than usual)

Yeah, you like the way my pussy looks now, all nice and pink and spread open for you? Yeah? Yeah? Ooh, I think I'm gonna make myself SQUIRT. Ooh, I'm so horny. Ooh. God. Ooh. And I feel so fucking good. Fuck, yeah. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh yeah, fuck yeah. Ooh, I'm so horny and my nipples are hard. [BLEEP!]

F

Is it just me or has there been a proliferation of boys who look like GOATS in this city? [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I was just wondering, does it really exist for a hot girl to like a fat guy? I mean, are they out there? Let me know. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum