This week: Mr. Cow, Resin Scraper, the Apathetics, Starving Porno Gods!

Plus: Origin of the word bimbo revealed!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Yeah, I was just wondering why all of those crazy big-ass promoters in Montreal weren't booking Mr. Cow for his parties, man. He's Montreal's uprising superstar DJ. C'mon you guys, wake up, bunch of promoters, man. The guy's rocking big time! Ciao everybody. [BLEEP!]

M

This message is for all the people who are yelling about the local scene and how it's dead. I went to see this band called the Apathetics two weeks ago at Bar St-Laurent and they blew my fucking mind. If you want to go see them, I believe they're playing at Jailhouse Rock on March 24. This is not for the HIPPIES--this one's punk fucking rock. [BLEEP!]

M

To the pompous fuck who seems to think that the Montreal music scene is nothing but bullshit, I have something to tell you. The Starving Porno Gods will arrive and devour you and all those like you. The only reason this city's music scene is shit is because of people like you doing nothing but putting it down. Starving Porno Gods will fucking devour you. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, Rant Line(TM). I just heard this demo from this local band called Resin Scraper and it just fucking rocked so much, man. It just was the rock, like, totally. Totally. If you ever get a chance to see these guys or to hear their demo, fuck. Resin Scraper. All right. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey! What's up? This is Skippy. I was sort of drunk the other night and I was listening to "Off the Hook" on CKUT and I heard two guys who go by the name of (sounds like) Dusty Rhymes and Blabadoo. I wish the guy at the radio station would've let them rhyme more 'cuz those guys are really good. They're super cool, man. Those guys are fresh like BUNS from a bakery. [BLEEP!]

F

Some misguided soul ranted about the apparent and as yet undiscovered merits of Sona. Unfortunately, the only reason to see this band is for the comic relief their egos provide. They're remanufactured CROONINGS appeal only to the sad group of dancing queens who get up to vie for the band's attention. Were they to stop hiding behind their looks and BALD talent and do something original, then it might be a different story. Fortunately, there are six other Sona-free nights at McKibbin's every week. Enjoy the silence. [BLEEP!]

M

This message goes out to the girl who wanted the word NIPPLE included in the dissing vocabulary. I believe it already is. The Hungarian word for nipple is MELLBIMBO and considering the high flux of Hungarian film directors to Hollywood just before World War II, running from the Nazis, it's likely that bimbo came from this word. So, there it goes. You're such a bimbo! [BLEEP!]

F

This is in response to that guy who has to draw hairstyles in the air. Well, I'm just calling to say that I totally know how you feel. For me, it's sentences. I write sentences and PUNCTUATE them. When I feel really bad or I have this thought and I can't get rid of it, I have to write it in the air and punctuate it with my finger. It's an awful, awful feeling. So you're not crazy. Well, you probably are crazy and so am I but who cares? So, yeah, I know how you feel. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

This is in response to everybody calling about their poor AquaBabies dying. AquaBabies are fish. You should probably go to a pet store and find out what you need to know about how fish should live. They shouldn't live in a little box that is 2 cm by 5 cm or whatever the size is. I find these things very disgusting and I think that you shouldn't be calling them products 'cuz what they are is ANIMALS. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

It's pretty sad but all the people who got scammed with Sea Monkeys about 25 years ago are now getting scammed with AquaBabies. Our culture is pathetic. [BLEEP!]

F

Ecstasy doesn't make you crazy. You make you crazy. Winter makes you crazy. So buy plants or get in the sun. Do some suntanning, something, because you gotta keep partying. [BLEEP!]

M

I'm calling to leave my advice to all those people who are SLIGHTLY LARGE and stressing about gaining or losing a few pounds. Well, get fat! Jesus Christ, how many people do you think are meant to be fat and not meant to be fat? At this point in history, with evolutionary forces behind it as fact, FAT MAMAS have more children than skinny babes. So there are more people out there who have fat genetic backgrounds. Please accept your fatness. I love fat people! Get fat everybody!! [BLEEP!]

M

Yes, hello, I'm a franco of 31 years old. I am wondering why I never have sex with an anglo girl in Montreal. For me, I'm pissed off because all my anglo friends, they have sex with franco girls, so why don't the anglo girls want to have sex with the franco guys? Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum