Critical gridlock

>> What will the Hollywood strike mean for film reviewers?

by MATTHEW HAYS

The news grows more and more dire by the second. As of June, both the actors' and writers' unions in the U.S. will go on strike. Though talks continue, all reports indicate they're not going well and that the strike is becoming less of a possibility and more of an inevitability.

The last time a Hollywood union walked out was a six-month-long TV writers' strike in '88. Networks attempted to bank as much material as they could and had to rely heavily on reruns. Though the writers did win some concessions, the strike cost millions and many said it wasn't worth it.

It has been suggested that this time around, the studios actually want the strike to happen. Pay cheques have skyrocketed and the studios feel that they are in a good position to hold out for a long strike, the result of which would be pay cuts for writers and actors, effectively scaling back costs for producers.

And the studios themselves have changed radically since '88. Multinational corporations now own all of the major studios in Hollywood, which means they have tons of capital to fall back on; they have the money to allow this strike to drag out for a long, long while.

The prospect of a strike has many in a bit of a panic--not just in Tinseltown but north of the 49th parallel too. Canadian film crews and actors have relied heavily on the kindness of Hollywood productions; with these shoots placed on hold, what will happen to the industry and its many dependents?

Being an expert at turning virtually any conversation--on even the most obscure topic--into something about me, I am most concerned about the fate of film critics during a prolonged walkout. What will we do? What will we watch and review? Where will we cast our aspersions? What will we do with all that negative energy?

After much investigation and consultation with the experts, I've developed this list of potential outcomes of the strike, and how it will affect the industry generally and film critics specifically.



When in doubt, rerun Suffering a lack of new content, the studios will hope for Exorcist-style box-office earnings by digging into their vaults and rereleasing better movies from yesteryear. In a matter of months, we'll see Midnight Cowboy, Chinatown and even old film noirs like Gun Crazy come into the cinemas. This will lead to a backlash, as moviegoers' collective cultural amnesia will come to an abrupt halt. Suddenly, people will realize just how crappy movies have become, and demand that the entire writers' union be thrown out of work for their lack of talent. The nasty backlash will extend to critics, who let down their guard far too often in the past decade, giving unadulterated crap like Titanic, Forrest Gump and L.A. Confidential the insipid "thumbs up!" stamp of approval.

Let's put on our own show After months and months of no new movies, audiences will grow intensely restless and need new product. Critics will band together and, using Uncle Mac's old barn, make some curtains, gather some chairs and turn the space into a small theatre. Then they'll write and star in their own plays, Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney-style. Unfortunately, virtually no one will be enticed to this new entertainment and the shows will prove a bust.

Switching beats In order to make themselves useful, film critics will be forced to write in other areas of their newspapers. Readers will soon complain, however, that everything from their political coverage to their resto reviewing is bogged down by excessive film references. Moonlighting critics can't resist talking about Bob Roberts, All the President's Men or Nashville while analyzing politics, while mention of Babette's Feast and Big Night somehow find their way into food columns.

The gig is up With virtually no new movies in cinemas, with film critics left with little or nothing to do, audiences will figure out what a scam the entire vocation has been all along. There will be a massive backlash against film critics. Some will advocate a public hanging of all film critics by their thumbs in the town square. Others will even suggest a return to the death penalty. In the U.S., senate hearings will be held, where those associated with film critics will be asked about their allegiances with this unpopular minority group. Conservative senators will declare that they are cleansing the nation of a nasty scourge, producing lists of various critics.

The actors' and writers' strikes are expected to open June 30 and May 1 respectively