This week: Rocking Sona, bored mental patients, hot curlers, Skynyrd!

Plus: More AquaBabies found dead!! Validity as pet questioned!!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

This is for all those people screaming and yelling about how our local scene is DEAD. Go check out the band Sona--they fucking rock but they're stuck doing covers at McKibbin's on Saturday night. How ridiculous is that? Maybe if we supported our scene some more, the local bands that are worth giving a shit about might be pushed a little bit further and people would know about them and see them. When I went to go see Sona play at Club Zone, there were five people in the audience. Open your eyes! Get out there, take a chance on some new bands and maybe you'll see that we're not all talentless and the scene is not really dead. [BLEEP!]

F ("Freebird" playing in the background)

Hey, we were all just wondering if there were any Lynyrd Skynyrd cover bands that play in Montreal because Skynyrd kicks ass! So if anyone knows, could you please tell us where we can find some Skynyrd. (shouting) Freebird! [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. This message is about a band called Haven. I'm not sure if anybody has heard of them. I've met them a couple of times and they're pretty cool guys, they DRINK a lot but they're very, very cool guys. You should definitely go check them out and keep your eye on them because they're pretty heavy hitters for all the heavy metal, new metal lovers out there. That's it. The band's name is Haven, they're on a Web site, so check them out. [BLEEP!]

M

My rant goes out to those idiot assholes who say that guys with long hair are gay. Just so you know, about 80 per cent of bikers have long hair. So do any of you big mouths have the balls to go and say to an Angel or Bandito that they must be gay and hang out at gay bars because they have long hair? I would even, for my own amusement, pay big bucks to see that happen. Just so I can see them beat the living shit out of you. That's all, man. [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the girl who was talking about the AquaBabies. Well, I also bought an AquaBabies box and it only lasted me a month and a half--all the three fish are DEAD, too. I think we totally got screwed. The lady at the pet shop told me that she had an AquaBaby at home and she's had it for three years, but they're full of shit. And, also, I think that in my situation the PLANT ate the fish because the plant started overgrowing and at one point I couldn't even see from one side to the other. So maybe that's why. The little snail is still alive but I don't have any fish. We got screwed. [BLEEP!]

F

My advice to keep the AquaBabies healthy is to keep their container out of the light. I hope this helps. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, I have the answer as to why your AquaBabies died. It's 'cuz they all die! Actually, you're a lucky woman to have had your little fishies last two months, most last only one. There's a serious flaw in this PRODUCT. Watch out, don't be fooled. [BLEEP!]

F

I like when people say words like COCK and SHIT and TITS in everyday language. Those are good honest Anglo-Saxon words. Yay! [BLEEP!]

F

I'm wondering why male and female body parts are all coined as being insults. 'You're such a cock,' 'you're such a cunt,' 'you're such a boob.' But what about the NIPPLE? Nobody ever says anything about the nipple. 'You're such a fucking nipple'--doesn't that sound great? [BLEEP!]

F

Bored mental patient here. Dylan Thomas was correct. Love in an asylum is possible. This place is a regular meat market. Nymphomaniacs, exhibitionists, a girl who's mad at birds, God! [BLEEP!]

F (a different mental case)

This is a message to all you ravers on Ecstasy. Ecstasy causes schizophrenia and that's all I have to say. So just don't do it or else you're gonna end up in a mental institution like I am. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M (

Yeah, I'm a 30-year-old obsessive-compulsive fag and I have a question. Along with obsessive handwashing--which is pretty usual for obsessive-compulsives--I have this habit, which I've had since I was 10, of drawing HAIRSTYLES in the air. I don't just draw them, I get really into it. I start SNORTING and get this horrible scrunched up look on my face. It's something I keep from everyone. My aunt caught me once and that was kind of disturbing. My question is: does anyone know if this is normal? I have been assured I don't have Tourette's, and I don't think I do, but this seems vaguely like Tourette's. It's something I've been doing very specifically, always hairstyles, always the same way. If anyone has any insight into this, let me know. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, you know your life's sad when you're checking out the women on the Canadian Women's Curling team on a Sunday afternoon and thinking, 'Ooh, she's hot.' Oh boy. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum