A real howler

>> See Spot Run represents the worst in children's entertainment

by MARK SLUTSKY

See Spot Run is a new kid's comedy starring David Arquette as a hapless, dog-hating mailman who somehow gets possession of a brilliant FBI super-dog. In between restraining the pooch and looking after a precocious little boy, Arquette must deal with the Mafia and the FBI, both of which are after the canine. Sound bad? There's no way a brief synopsis can do justice to See Spot Run's tremendous, unbearable awfulness. Its offences are so grievous, so numerous, they require nothing less than this list to enumerate them.

1) The dog What's more fun to watch than a trained dog foiling bad guys? A trained dog who defecates on everything.

2) The kid Arquette's little charge (Angus Jones), the son of his hottie neighbour (Leslie Bibb of TV's Popular) sulks or cries most of his way through this movie. Nothing against the wee actor, but imagine 100 minutes of an eight year old weeping and screaming. And he's hanging out with a super-smart, super-disgusting dog.

3) Gross-out jokes Toilet humour can be funny, yes. But when it's as stupid and unoriginal as it is in See Spot Run, there's really nothing worse. The characters are continually either being shat on, pissed on, or farted at.

4) Most pathetic cinematic reference in the history of the form One of the FBI agents is named "Cassavetes," suggesting a screenwriter who's either deluded, emotionally broken or both.

5) Sorvino's shame The great character actor Paul Sorvino plays, as always, the big Mob boss. Not once, but twice in See Spot Run is one of his testicles mangled, torn out and carried away by lovable Spot!

6) Product placement Yes, it's a fact of life, even in kid's movies. But in addition to the now grimly familiar soda and snack-food plugs, we're treated to an entire scene devoted to a discussion of Pokémon. Then the dog farts.

7) What this all says about the state of children's entertainment That it's in a sorry state indeed. Kid's movies, like kids, can be smart and funny. It's just depressing that the adults behind See Spot Run are so removed from the crazy funness of childhood that they see kids as just short, idiotic buying machines, unworthy of anything more than this (hopefully) forgettable nonsense.

See spot run opens Friday, March 2