Spit or swallow

>> Montreal food inspector cautions patrons to eat, drink and be wary

by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Maria Theresa Colucci

Age: 44

Job title: Food Inspector

Job description: Inspecting health violations at restaurants, hospitals, dépanneurs, daycare centres, any establishment where food is sold.

Salary: $45,000 par annum

Years on the job: 15

Bio: This sultry temptress, who weighs in at just under 100 lbs and with a disarmingly pleasant disposition, nevertheless strikes fear in the hearts of negligent food workers throughout the city when she walks into their establishments. Effervescent, flamboyant, efficient, and with "buns of steel" courtesy of her relentless exercise routine, Maria has a fetish for hats--owning over 100--and a penchant for belly dancing. "There is nothing like the look of desire in a man's eyes when you belly dance for him. It's empowering." Not only a world-class food inspector but a licensed pilot to boot, this Ahuntsic resident says she loves life and is always polite and respectful to the filthy slobs she is called upon to discipline for their unhygienic food preparations.

Most common health violations she comes across: Cooks with dirty fingernails, people blowing their noses and then handling food, rodent and roach feces around food preparation areas, food stored at dangerously incorrect temperatures, people handling money and then food.

How many of her senses she uses when conducting an inspection: All five. She claims to have a nose for feces and, like a cat, can smell rodents the moment she steps into an establishment.

How she catches food workers who don't wash their hands after making potty: She sneaks into the washroom and hides in a cubicle--and listens. After she hears that toilet bowl flush she had better hear the sound of somebody washing their hands--or else.

How often she catches people with fecal residue on their hands going back to the kitchen to prepare sandwiches: All the time.

Is she scared to eat in restaurants? No--although there are many establishments in town that she avoids.

Has she ever caught anybody spitting into a chopped-egg sandwich? No, but this is why she never feels comfortable sending her food back in a busy restaurant.

Grossest thing ever served up to her personally in a restaurant: A live frog playing around at the bottom of her salad. "When my salad started jumping, I got suspicious."

One interesting thing that she has found in a restaurant freezer: A very large camel leg--still all furry and with lice and blood all over it. Yummy.

Favourite restaurant: Toqué on St-Denis. "But it's very expensive so I don't go there that often."

Things one should look out for when choosing a dining establishment: Sticky menus, lots of fingerprints on the front door entrance, grease spots and burns on the dining tables, dirty-looking wait staff. "And don't think that just because the bathrooms in a restaurant are clean that the kitchen is as well."

Last book read: The Complete Book of Colour, by Suzy Chiazzari.

Philosophy: "Believe in yourself. Life is about pleasure, not just about working."