This week: PCP dustheads, crusties, Wonderbras, gelled hair!

Plus: Mulatto Jew homie repents!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

You know what I don't get? How this city has great bands like Five-Line Legacy and Headspace and CHOM plays fucking Rubberman! Can someone explain to me that shit? [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, last week I saw this band called the War Amps and I swear to God it was the guy from Me Mom and Morgentaler singing. Can anybody confirm that for me? [BLEEP!]

M

I want to rant about all the asshole PCP DUSTHEADS who come to punk rock shows. They don't know how to dance and they just sit there and DROOL all over everybody and get all fucked up. I'm not straight-edge or nothing but I'm really sick of these assholes ruining our scene. Bunch of dustheads getting all fucked up and falling all over everybody. And I'm also sick of all the CRUSTIES too, because all they do is bitch about dumbass shit that they don't know jackshit about. They say they're against the government yet they get supported on welfare. Snap out of it! [BLEEP!]

F

Yes, this is the weekly Lenny Kravitz status check. Our index indicates that in the song "Fly Away" by Lenny Kravitz, Mr. Kravitz uses the word "yeah" 36 times. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi. I'm the guy who called in a couple of weeks ago describing about how my friend had been mugged by WHITE HOMIES. I just wanted to clarify that I only used the term white homies to give a better description of the assailants that assaulted my friend. It's because I'm, in fact, a MULATTO JEW and I often find myself staring into my bathroom mirror at night asking myself what kind of homie am I. Anyway, over the past week, I really thought about the rants that everyone had sent in for me so I decided to give hip hop another chance and I went down to HMV and picked up all the DMX albums, everything released on Cash Money and No Limit in the past year and I'd just like to give my apology. I was WRONG. I thought that hip hop was about cashing in on a trend but after hearing those artists and insightful lyrics and everything, I just had to call and thank everyone from last week for opening my eyes up to the world of hip hop. And, to sign out, I'd just like to say peace out to hip hop Plantation 97, you guys got me through a really tough time in my life. Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, I just want to say that the idea of putting an "A" in Fort street is fucking hilarious. My friends and I were thinking of putting an "F" in Place des Arts to get Place des Farts. Well, that was my laugh of the day. Thanks a lot. Yay for weed and our crazy ideas! [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, I'm really drunk right now and I was just thinking about how funny it would be if we replaced the "D" on St-Denis with a "P." It would definitely be funny to replace the "O" in Fort with an "A." But I think this would be funnier. Okay? Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the guy who broke into my apartment on Saturday night. Do me a favour and return the Blockbuster video that was in my VCR. I don't want to pay the late fees. And, oh, I hope you enjoy the Boney M CD. [BLEEP!]

M

This is the weed-smoking asshole that female was referring to and I'd just like to let her know a few things. I'm a university-educated weed smoker. It doesn't affect my job whatsoever--I do it on my own time. And, yeah, uh, I think you need to get laid. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M

To the guy who was talking about the art and revolution that the FTAA teaches. Listen, pal, lay off the drugs when you talk about politics because, I know from experience, they don't really mix. And, to everyone else, come to Quebec City April 20. We're gonna fuck shit up. The eyes of the world will be on Quebec! [BLEEP!]

F

Hello Rant Line(TM). I left a rant last week about the NEW BOSS who was an alleged sexual harasser in the past. I've been working with him for a week now and I have come to the realization that he is actually pretty cool. So far he hasn't done anything against me, probably since he's been warned. He's a little too lenient but he's cool so far. But I still want my old boss back so if anybody can help, that'd be cool. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, hello, I just wanna say that I hate Wonderbras. Man, I hate them! Things may appear bigger and rounder than they are, eh? Fucking Wonderbras. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, I'm a single woman and I'd just like to ask--where are all the men with medium-length to long hair? Where are they all? Everybody has those funny short GELLED hairdos--where are the men with long hair? Where do they hang out? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum