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Sex Survey 2001:
Cum hither
Compiled for your reading pleasure, we present Sex Survey 2001
Conducted by SASHA
1. Have you ever fulfilled your greatest fantasy? What was it, and what was the end result?
I had a threesome with two men. It was more than I expected! The hard part was finding a man that my boyfriend approved of.
One girl I knew when we were teenagers had the most wonderful tits in the world. She also had a strong character, which is something I like, and I always wanted to eat her tits. Result: some time later we met and lived together for four years.
Yes. It was to be dominated, and the result was a very enjoyable evening starring as a priest being tormented by an evil Satanist.
I decided, on a whim, to fulfill my greatest fantasy on this New Year's Eve at the start of the fresh new millennium. I've always wanted to take a young boy's virginity and I did. He was 19 and the look on his face was priceless. He had been my friend for five years and I went for it and ever since, he thinks I'm a goddess. I have to agree with him.
My greatest fantasy was to have group sex. I found a wonderful thing called a bathhouse in which my fantasy is fulfilled any time I bloody well want.
I did an Irish priest in a bathhouse in Dublin. When I came in him (and I swear this is true) he actually cried out, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" I doubt they were in the room at the time.
Sort of. My greatest fantasy remains, to this day, to be able to eat shit from a tall, voluptuous, strong, boot-wearing Amazon whose leash would be around my neck (I'm male). The girl who shat in my mouth didn't meet that description, but close!
As a bisexual woman, my greatest fantasy was to be able to enjoy my male and female partners at the same time happily. I had a very good winter that year. Then she moved across the country and I am now with my husband, happily married, and looking forward to finding the right woman to complete this fantasy again.
Not yet, but I came close (excuse the pun). In one extremely interesting evening, I managed to have sex with my boss and her two daughters separately and in succession. And despite the noise, her husband never woke up. End result? I got a raise (excuse the pun again), and actually went out with one of the daughters for a short time.
Yes: doing three ladies at a time. Hard! Better stick to one or two.
I have always had a fetish for thongs and girls who wear glasses. One night, my girlfriend wore a thong to bed with her glasses on, pulled out the bottle of lube, and we had the most fun sex ever! Leaving the thong on is the bomb!
My fantasy was to be someone's sex slave for a night, including the blindfold, handcuffs, silk scarves et al. I have fulfilled it twice (with different partners) and both times, I wasn't disappointed.
2. What is the one thing you would absolutely refuse to do and why?
Having any sexual relation with someone I don't truly love because this would be a real turn-off.
Anything that has to do with multiple cocks in me because I feel that I wouldn't have any control over what was being inserted in me and where.
Have sex with any member of my family, because it's just wrong.
Anything involving urine or feces.
Eat shit and be pissed on. I personally think it's gross and it's a complete turn off for me to even hear about it. But I know people do this and I have nothing against them doing it. It's just not my thing.
Have unsafe sex. I've kicked absolutely gorgeous guys out of bed for refusing to use a condom. It's just too risky.
Scat play. It's gross and I passed that phase of life very early.
Golden showers, or bathroom games. The idea of someone else's urine or "number two" anywhere near me intentionally repulses me.
Beat someone or injure someone physically. I've done some shit in my day, but that is a bit much.
Having sex with a dead, male, underage, non-human rotting corpse!
Anal sex. One hole (my vagina) is good enough.
Fisting--too much pain, too many hygiene questions.
I would refuse to be a human toilet and eat shit. First, the taste. It ain't chocolate ice cream, no matter how much chocolate ice cream someone has eaten. Second, the content: God only knows what else went into it. And third, it has no nutritional value whatsoever.
Eat pooh.
Sleep with another man while my boyfriend was watching, or swap partners.
3. What is the most bizarre sex dream you've ever had that produced wood or a wide-on?
I've had two. One of them was with Tony Danza from Who's the Boss? As I woke up, I finished the job. The second was with the Emperor from Star Wars. Ouch!
I was having great sex with a girl I knew and it was going on forever, but in the corner of the room, sitting there, was my mom... taking notes on what was happening. A little traumatizing if you ask me, but it still got the blood flowing.
I was working at a Swiss chalet (not the resto, but an actual ski chalet in the Swiss Alps) and lo and behold, who walks in but the Red Hot Chili Peppers! The menu I have to give to them only has me as an item, so they keep ordering more and more of me, and of course I gladly oblige. You can imagine my disappointment when the alarm went off.
I was in my house cleaning the kitchen and this construction worker comes to the back door, asking for some water for him and his co-workers and I let him in the house. Eventually we're going at it on the counter and then he turns into my dog and I'm really enjoying myself. I woke up soaking wet and really grossed out. I can't look at my dog the same way anymore.
I got raped by German officers during WWII. To this day, I don't know why I woke up so wet. I am still disturbed to the bones by this dream and it's been more than five years.
Recently I had a surprisingly Jungian erotic dream. I saw a city with a connected network of beautiful buildings that housed museums, universities, libraries etc. But the city also had interconnected basement rooms that no one talked about. The basement rooms started appearing next to the museums and libraries and demons ran out of them and into the city proper, molesting people. I saw Satan and two of his demonic buddies grab a couple. They forced the woman to her knees and stuck her boyfriend's dick in her mouth so that she could suck it. But her boyfriend, being terrified, had no erection. So Satan said, "What he needs is a little encouragement," and French-kissed the boyfriend. The boyfriend struggled to get away, yet became involuntarily aroused. The other two demons crowed gleefully as his dick began hardening in his girlfriend's mouth. The dream concluded with a voice-over saying that the basement and its demons had to be accepted and harmoniously integrated into the city.
Doing it with a Level 17 elven thief (during my Dungeons and Dragons years).
My dad kills my girlfriend by throwing her into an upright piano. Don't even fucking ask me to decipher what the shit that means, but I woke up stiff.
I was running naked in the snow from a pack of evil, red-eyed dogs who were commanded by an ex-girlfriend's evil mother to kill me. In the dream, she was wearing PVC from the neck down, except for a cut-out hole revealing a set of huge labia that were flapping and steaming in the cold. Yah! Then I awakened to find my glistening stiffie standing at attention, ready, willing, able.
Having anal sex with all my ex-girlfriends at the same time! I just went from one to the other, slipped it in, came on their back and the rest cheered me on! How weird is it when 20 or so girls stand around and when you cum, they throw their hands in the air and yell, "He scores!"?
I dreamt that I was back in high school, wearing my school uniform with no underwear. A creepy math teacher asks me to stay afterclass. I walk over to his desk, sit on it, spread my legs and we start fucking. I hated this teacher in high school, he's not attractive in the least, but ever since this dream, every time I think about him, I get wet!
4. What was your worst sex mishap?
My boyfriend and I were lubing up and we threw the bottle on the floor afterwards, not really paying attention to whether the bottle was closed or not. About two hours later, my boyfriend got up to get a drink, slipped on a puddle of the lube and broke his arm.
A guy fell asleep on top of me right after cumming. I struggled to push him off me and left while he was still asleep.
During my first experience with hallucinogenic drugs, I was at a party without my boyfriend and ended up having sex with some other guy. Right in the middle of our romp, who should walk in but my boyfriend! I was so stoned that I didn't even stop what I was doing, all the while crying for him to forgive me!
Allowing cum to dry on my penis. It got stuck to my underwear and it tore my skin when I woke up.
Suggesting my boyfriend take Viagra (he didn't take it too well).
Loud, long fart while doin' it doggy style.
Sprained cock or lost contact lens from spunk burst.
When this girl was begging me to fuck her ass but I couldn't get it up! Fuck. And I had been waiting to sodomize a girl for years and when it finally was there I couldn't.
Still had a soapy taste to my pussy while my ex ate me.
While going at it, I lost my balance, put one foot on the ground and stepped on the cat. He clawed right into my leg with his four paws and wouldn't let go! Lost my erection.
Jerking off and cumming all over the room, then my parents came home. I was standing there with porn on the TV, cum on the floor, TV and walls.
I poured hot caramel on my guy's little guy with the intent to slowly lick it off. Apparently I took way too much time because the caramel got so hard he had to shave most of his pubic hair off.
5. Who would you switch teams for and why?
David Bowie. He is God!
I'm on both teams and frankly, I love it.
Angelina Jolie, damn she's sexy. There's something about people who portray the bad girl/bad boy image. Rowwwr.
I would switch teams for Madonna. She's the best mentor I can think of.
No one. I tried it once, just to see what it was like. It really didn't work for me.
Jennifer Lopez, man oh man that behind.
Winona Ryder, all the way.
Two words: Ralph Fiennes. And why the fuck do you think?
I am on both already! But I do lean to one for my husband.
Denise Richards, because she has the slut thing going for her, like in Wild Things.
Dunno about doing that, but there are some stunning she-males running around. And how would I ever know if all I got was a blowjob?
Ben Affleck, just so that I could rub it in all my female friends' faces that I fucked the guy they all want!
Ewan MacGregor. The accent and sometimes people tell me I look like him, so it might be just like masturbating. Okay, no one tells me I look like him, but I wish they would.
Angelina Jolie, for what she could do with her lips.
I'm bi but I would go totally lesbo for Fairuza Balk. She's hot in a scary sort of way. (Honourable mentions to Rose McGowan, and Angelina Jolie!)
Fred Durst, Jonathan Davis (Korn), Scott Stapp (Creed), Raine Maida (OLP). Because they all suck hard in music, imagine them on my dick.
6. Have you ever considered working in the sex industry? In what capacity and why?
I would love to have my own column and write about sex in Montreal.
I'd compose music for porno films.
If the streets could handle a female pimp, I think that's what I'd do, but maybe only for the funky hats and gold teeth.
I run a porno Web site, although I don't get paid for it. I wouldn't have any moral problems working as a prostitute, but I just don't have the body for it. I do have a nice voice though, and I've considered working as a phone-sex operator.
Yes, I considered doing porno movies as an actress. I know it's hard work (even if it looks like it's all fun and games), but I've always had this fantasy about people watching me have sex and doing movies would suit my needs perfectly.
No, because my last girlfriend was in it. After eight months I dropped her because I could not stand her going out from midnight to 4 a.m. "to go out with some friends to a club" anymore. I would not do this to anybody.
I have always had the fantasy of being a really high-class escort like at that club on de la Montagne and de Maisonneuve. I think I'm hot and I'd like to see if other people would want to pay to "spend time" with me.
I have thought of it, but then my morals kicked in. If there was ever a demand for sticking a foot up some lonely guy's ass for lots of money, maybe.
I once thought maybe I could be an erotic masseuse. I came up with this idea when I was a student and needed money. I didn't do it though, because I'd want to turn away all the ugly, scuzzy clients, and a prostitute can't very well make money that way, can s/he?
Yes, I worked as a doorman in a strip club. I had 30 girlfriends and other guys looking at me with envy wanting to be in my shoes, fearing me.
Yes, I worked in phone sex. It was fun because I get a kick out of men doing anything for a stranger on the other end of a phone.
Yes, I would consider stripping, if the standards weren't so high for women to look so plastic.
I'd be a scat-porn producer because I really like scat porn!
Yes, I'd work in a porn shop. Just for all of the countless funny stories I would have to tell.
Yes, as a male porno star, because most of the films out there are so lame and un-arousing.
I considered it, but then wondered whether I would end up like Ron Jeremy: fat, cynical and with a cock that everyone, including my sister, has laughed at. But seriously, I have wondered what it would be like to be a porn actor--whether I could cum on demand, maintain an erection for hours, get it up again with a short recovery period or whether I would just start laughing halfway through a shoot.
Yes, I'd be a male escort in Florida for all those older ladies.
I'd work as a stripper in a gay club, even though I'm straight. It's good money and I don't have a problem with that. No blowjobs though.
Yes, as Ron Jeremy's stand-in. Because I too am hairy, misshapen and look huuuuuuuge from up close.
7. What is the funniest thing anyone's ever attempted to try on you which was clearly culled from the pages of a mens'/women's magazine?
Some guy once went nutso on my nipples with clothes pins. The worst part about it was that he told me he'd read it in a mag while he was doing it and I got splinters.
A vertical 69 which was obviously taken from Penthouse. I couldn't do it, I was laughing so hard the guy ended up pissed off.
My ex wanted to pretend he was an uncle visiting from abroad and I was the nubile niece. He put me over his knees and spanked me for gosh sakes! He even made me wear my hair in pigtails and put on some white cotton undies. I don't know what magazine he got this from, but it definitely made me laugh.
I had a one-night stand with a guy who seemed to think he was trapped inside a porno flick. First he nagged me to say I was a little slut. I wouldn't. Then he wanted to cum on my face. I said no. "Awww, why not?" he whined. "Can I come on your breasts, then?" This was more annoying than funny, actually.
Cosmo's Kama Sutra.
The tackiest was blowing in my ear and then reciting a poem he had supposedly written. It was actually by Edgar Allan Poe.
That trick with an ice cube. I mean, come on!
Licking my anus, while trying to keep his erection and a fake "I'm enjoying this" smile on his face.
The Altoid blowjob, but I have no complaints.
A guy looking deep into my eyes. Why was it funny? Because he had the hugest eyes, he looked like a frog.
It would have to be the first time I ever had a foursome (me, my girlfriend, my best friend from high school and his wife). I went to the bathroom and he came in after me. While I was peeing, he suggested that we take off all our clothes except for our belts, drape toilet paper over the front to look like a loincloth, and then go ask the women if they wanted any "lovin'." I thought it was the dumbest idea, but did it anyway. They laughed at us and we felt like morons--until they did the same thing about an hour later. I thought about writing to Hustler about this, until my friend told me that's where he got the idea in the first place.
I suppose the chocolate sauce episode, where she poured it on my cock and just ended up getting it all over her face and made a huge mess. That was pretty cute and hilarious.
Trying to find my G-spot. I mean really trying to find it. Hey buddy--I'm not a fucking Tetris game!
8. Have you ever pulled a coyote (leaving right after sex)? How did you manage to get out?
I do this all the time and so do the guys I sleep with! We take a shower, say "Thanks," then leave. Is this uncommon?
People who know me tend to expect this kind of behaviour from me. I don't like to hang around because I feel it ruins the moment by filling the air with mindless chitchat. For me, nothing's hotter than "wham-bam-thank-you-sir" to make a relationship spicy.
I took my car keys and left without say anything. It sucked, so I bailed as fast as I could, without bothering to come up with an excuse. I figured he'd get the hint that his lovemaking skills suck ass.
One girl started to perform her spoken-word routine after sex. I told her I was allergic to her cat and got the fuck out of there.
Yup! About five times now, but somehow most of them got my phone number and called. I never gave it to them either! One time in McGill's McConnell Hall residence, I rolled out of bed, grabbed all my clothes and ran into the next room. It ended up being her friend's room--a different girl that I met the night before--so I spent the rest of the night with her, and left at about 8 a.m. before she woke up!
I told her that I was feeling sick and might need to throw up. Food poisoning. She even felt bad for me.
No, but I was shooed out once.
9. What is the worst thing anyone's ever said to you in bed?
That he wished he could slit my neck with a kitchen knife and fuck the wound while the blood would be gushing out and I would be dying. It made me laugh at the time, but when I think of it now, it was bloody freaky.
No joking: "Sometimes, when I put it in your ass, I think of my ex-boyfriend."
A bi guy I was sleeping with told me, right in the middle of sex, "You know, I think I'm more into girls now." (I'm male.)
One of my first girlfriends played Rubik's Cube while I was doing her. She said she would be better off with a little more light, the colours were hard to see!
"Didyoucomeyetdidyoucomeyetdid-youcomeyetdidyoucomeyetdidyoucomeyetdid- youcomeyet?"
"Were you faking this time?" If you have to ask, then you know the answer, buddy.
"If you don't shave your pubic hair, I won't eat you." Fine, don't then.
"I'm sure it gets better with practice."
He said I was loose!
"What's that smell?"
"Are these sheets cotton? I feel kind of itchy."
"That's enough." After about an hour of cunnilingus--talk about ungrateful.
My partner answered the phone while we were having sex and when asked, "What are you doing?" answered, "Nothing, just chilling."
"Stop. I just want to go to sleep."
"I couldn't date you--you fold your clothes."
"Slip your meat into my star!"
The first time I got naked with this guy I was dating, I went fishing for compliments and made a comment about a totally insignificant part of my body. What I got in return was, "Oh c'mon, you got an okay body."
"Your belly is in the way." (I was pregnant.)
"Those steroids have made your clitoris enormous."
"You once told me that you were average to above average (in terms of size)." Coupled with "Well, it is proportional to your body." Ouch!
10. And of course, the perennial favourite: oddest masturbation item used and how?
Being a guy, we don't have too many options, but once I tried a Jill Kelly fake vagina. It was a little too odd, so my hand does it for me now.
The Eiffel Tower. I went to the top and jacked off in the bathroom. I don't know if it counts as an "item," but...
The handle of my hair brush. It's cylindrical and ribbed for my pleasure.
A popsicle (lime flavoured), a hammer and a screwdriver (I'm a tool gal) and a clothes hanger. I folded the hanger to look like a dick and I fucked myself with it. I put a little cotton ball on the hook so it wouldn't hurt my clit and I caressed myself with the tip while the rest was inside of me.
Thermal socks.
I once used a banana, but I don't recommend it.
A large carrot as a buttplug.
When I was a virgin, I used the handle of my hairbrush to get a feeling of what penetration might be like. I used to hide it in my bedside drawer, until my mom cleaned and decided to put it back in the bathroom. I found my dad using it the next morning.
A Corona bottle because it was the nearest thing. Although I've found that a bottle of Hochtaler (that crazy German shit with the '80s ads featuring a cabaret singer) is brilliant for anal play.
While masturbating I once let my cat lick my cock for a few seconds just to see what it felt like. It was totally hilarious, but didn't turn me on.
Top of an empty whiskey bottle, in my ass.
That warm watermelon in Grade 7 was odd, but definitely the best. Well, except that I was the third kid to use it that day.
Vacuum cleaner with lube, age nine.
Rabbit-fur-lined glove.
When I was a child, a Ken doll head rubbed on my clit.
An empty pill container filled with hand cream. I swear to God--hey, I was 11!
11. Consumer report: best and/or worst sex toy purchased. Find a more practical use for it?
In my experience, the worst is Hot Licks' nasty, sticky syrup. Rub it on, blow on it and it gets hot--or use it as glue when you've misplaced your glue gun.
The worst was a long wooden stick that's supposed to imitate a dick. It's now a beautiful paper-towel holder on my kitchen counter.
I like my silicone dildo, from Good Vibrations. Silicone doesn't have a yucky smell like rubber does, and it cleans better.
Alligator nipple clamps attached with a heavy chain, from the Sanford Collection, are the worst. You have to be into serious pain to fasten these babies tight enough for them to stay on.
I would have to say the 16-inch dildo I gave my girlfriend was pretty bad. She hated it and never used it, so one day I bit it in half and stuck it on my car antenna. Gave me better reception.
Desensitizing/retardent cream is awful. Not only did it desensitize me, it totally numbed my little soldier. I couldn't get a hard-on for 24 hours or even pee. I had to go to the STD clinic and get an internal scrub with one of those God-awfully painful Q-tips.
The clit-stimulating cock ring I tried sucked. Worked better as a cat toy.
The anal probe that my girlfriend used on me was the best. Fun for the whole family.
The worst was an artificial vagina made in Taiwan that had hard plastic creases on the inside which, of course, you couldn't know until you tried it. I used it as a prop on stage, until someone stole it. I hope he got what was coming to him!
My German-made dildo is top quality. Includes remote vibrating panties, but I lost the remote. Oops.
A $14.99-glow-in-the-dark latex vibrator that was just too hilarious to use in the dark was the worst. It now sits on my living room table and shocks the hell out of my more conservative friends and visitors. I'm still looking for the best!
The absolute worst is The Tongue. It makes a shitload of noise for nothing. Just like my ex-boyfriend.
12. Who is Canada's hottest personality and why?
Jocelyn Thibault. The boy is a hockey slut but he's so gorgeous.
Leonard Cohen. For his lifetime achievement and the voice. I would have him whisper things to me and I know I would come hard without him touching me.
Scott Thompson, Simon from Prozzak, and CBC journalists Michael MacAuliffe, Eric Sorensen, and Ian Hanomansing.
Not that I'm trying to get any brownie points or anything, but I just recently saw a picture of Sasha in a fashion magazine wearing some kind of glittery bikini and, dang, she's hot! [Make-up darling, and plenty of it.]
I think Roy Dupuis is really cute.
Wendy Mesley. She's damn cute.
The humourist Anthony Cavanagh 'cuz humour gets to me.
Nelly Futardo, new, fresh, creative and untainted by the entertainment world as of yet.
Sarah McLachlan. I see her bowing and doing Buddhist gestures of gratitude and humility and can't help but want to see her taken from behind and still try and do those affectatious hand gestures she does when she sings. Delicious, isn't she?
David Usher. He has this tall, dark handsome thing going for him.
CTV's Sandie Rinaldo. Despite her bad hair days, I can imagine that she would scream while riding us both into orgasmic oblivion.
It would have to be Audrey Bouchard. She's cute and she really knows how to do an asshole.
Bif Naked, she just emanates bitch/sex goddess/sweetheart all in one.
GRAND PRIZE
Your most illustrious, embarrassing, momentous sexual achievement in 50 words!
This gentleman wins, even though he tripled the word count. Why? Because I love the idea of him lying there like a quiet little kitty while these two naked women duke it out in front of him.
This threesome went horribly awry. Everything was going great, my girlfriend of the time was on my face and her best friend was riding me. Then all of a sudden, they started arguing with each other. My girlfriend's friend got up off my cock and started screaming at my girlfriend. She pushed off my face by grinding her foot into my solar plexus and started screaming back. They both left the room screaming at each other, whereupon her friend put her clothes back on and left. Then my girlfriend locked herself in the bathroom, crying. I managed to extract my brain from my cock, put it back into my head and ask her what happened. All she could tell me was that her friend was a bitch and she never wanted to talk to her ever again. I never really got a good explanation for what happened that night, except that her friend came first, which pissed her off.
European vacation or Pier Paolo Pasolini film? You tell me.
Last summer on a trip to Greece, my lover and I decided to go take a romantic, tacky walk on the beach in Mykonos. As we started to get it on, we realized that three or four Italian women were looking at us and taking pictures. Then we realized that they were filming it too. The next morning, we went to the poolside to have brunch. What do we see? The Italian women talking about our escapade with the owners of the hotel. Thank God they weren't Polaroids!
What's the problem with this? I actually saw it on Martha Stewart Living just last week. It's called the Menstrual Stencil.
After making love in the dark, my boyfriend and I turned on the lights, only to find bloody paw prints not only all over us, but also all over his white duvet, pillows and light-yellow walls. My period had started while we were fooling around and neither of us had noticed! To add to my embarrassment, it was our first time together. :
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