Monster Truck mayhem

>> >> Awesome Kong! G-Force! Fatal Beauty! Stone Cold! Towasaurus! The Human Bomb! Plus some go-karts!

A Mirror exclusive!

by CRAIG SEGAL

Organizers were promising something brand spanking new for the New Year's weekend Monster Truck show at the Molson Centre: there would be go-kart racing! For the first time in Canada, a Monster Truck show would feature seven of the big-wheelers and 40 serious young people zooming around in children's toys--a combination that, organizers assured me, is very popular in Europe.

Tickets for the show, called Extreme Motorsport Challenge, cost between $16 for nosebleeds to $25 for eardrum-shatters. But I got to gag on gases for free, having gotten the green light from my editor provided I covered every minute of the two-day, three-show event.

Friday, Dec. 29 - The Molson Centre - 2 p.m.

After signing a paper absolving organizers of responsibility for any bodily injury incurred, I enter the arena five hours before showtime to find myself in a sea of noisy go-karts, jockey-sized drivers, mechanics, friends and parents. Kart drivers are frantically preparing for their trial runs. The track snakes over the Molson Centre's varnished cement floor, around two rows of scrapyard cars to a tunnel under the stands leading back to the start line.

Freelance photographer Bruno Dorais and I watch as the karts, made for outdoor driving, slip and slide over the floor like cartoon ducks on ice. Dorais shows me his portfolio shots.

"Everyone likes accident photos," he says. "What we're doing now is we're putting down break fluid to get some traction," event organizer Chris Arel tells me as he walks by hastily.

The karts take a break from sliding long enough for one of Arel's employees to spray something called Chapin Professional Garden Kart Sprayer on the track. It's the most they can do to make the track stickier.

3:12 p.m.

I'm talking with Diane Limoges, the mother of Valérie Limoges, a 17-year-old karter who won three championships last summer and is featured in the latest issue of Quebec's pole position magazine. Valérie is one of the only females in the sport. I ask if Diane is worried about her daughter's dangerous career choice.

"All us mothers are a bit nervous in the beginning, but it becomes habit," says Diane. "I'm more nervous about Valérie getting her driver's license next week. I'm happy for my daughter. I never miss a race." Diane and her husband are as dedicated to the sport as their daughter. They enrolled Valérie in English classes to prepare her for the upcoming trip to the World Championship in Italy. They estimate the entire trip will cost them $15,000.

5:10 p.m.

I abandon the spinning karts and head over to the Monster Truckers, who are making last-minute adjustments. Smoke from a beast called Awesome Kong stings my eyes as I talk with Alan Tura, one of the longest-going Monster Truckers. The short, 40-year-old drives G-Force, which has a jet engine on the back that he ignites after he's done wrecking cars. He'll also drive the Robot Transformer, the special-effects machine he created out of a 1974 forklift. Alan and his three-man crew got into Montreal early this morning after a 10-hour drive from Ohio.

"I think about quitting almost every weekend," says the man they call the Living Legend. "I used to do 40 shows a year. Now I do 14 to 20." Alan, who used to manage rock 'n' roll bands, complains drivers don't get enough respect ("They want us to just do our thing and go home"). Like many of the drivers and mechanics, Alan keeps his greasy fingers in a bunch of pies. He runs a small special-effects business and dreams of dropping everything and moving to California for a career in acting.

"One time I wrote a letter to MTV to see if I they'd want me to drive my trucks for their Spring Break special. They said yes, but all they wanted me to do was drive over some wicker furniture! Samantha Fox was there. John Stamos. It was great. They treated us like kings. But we went home after it was over."

7 p.m.

The show. A blonde on heels as long as my thigh wriggles and shakes pom-poms to kick things off. The Canadian and American anthems are played, and the karts skid out of the pit.

A woman sitting in front of me will spend most of the night fiddling with her four-year-old son's earplugs. Seeing that roughly half the fans wear the devices, I wish I had some, too.

Here's a breakdown of a kart race: karts line up in order of how they did in a qualifying round, and they tend to finish in almost exactly that same order, since it's almost impossible to pass. The main way racers get ahead is when some poor slob spins off the track and ends up six karts behind. Audience members scream loudest when karts run into each other, or when the tunnel entrance gets clogged and injury seems imminent. A zany MC in cargo pants and a baseball cap yells indecipherable commentary, while another announcer yells "Are you ready for the Monster Trucks??!" at dull moments during the half-dozen races.

Later on, Kenny--a blond-maned member of Alan's crew--will tell me that, like all the other truckers, he thinks the puny karts are silly. "A Monster Truck show ain't a place for go-karts," he says in a heavy Southern drawl. "Go-karts and Monster Trucks just don't go together."

8pm

The lights dim and the announcer asks that parents check their kids' earplugs because the Human Bomb is coming. Lights shine on a man in a motorcycle helmet standing over a silver box the size of a coffin. He climbs into the box through a door at one end. The door is closed and the announcer asks for silence. Several seconds pass, followed by a huge fiery explosion. The guy in the motorcycle helmet wobbles around with his back on fire. Then he lies on the ground so a guy can extinguish the flames with a blanket. Finally the Human Bomb gets up and staggers out a side door.

The Monster Trucks are up next. If you've never seen them live, I'll just tell you they are indeed impressive. A truck weighing thousands of pounds slowly wheels up to a row of wrecked cars, then speeds up, driving up the side of the end car. The driver guns it and launches the behemoth into the air like a flying elephant, whereupon it crashes back down on the wrecked cars. The better the driver, the higher he launches his 20,000-pound truck and the better he bounces. The worst runs happen when the driver doesn't get airborne and accidentally slips over the side of the row of cars without finishing his run. The trucks do these runs individually at first, then race two at a time to see which driver can get over his row of cars fastest.

In one race, Stone Cold, sponsored by the World Wrestling Federation, is still moving when he lands, pulling a fierce turn inches from the parked Monster Trucks. But he takes things a little too far and slams right into one of his own crew, a burly mechanic who goes down like a tree. He is only slightly injured, but the yellow-clad medical team watches Stone Cold closely from now on.



11pm

I'm with Alan Tura's crew in his dressing room after the show. Kenny is eating chips, complaining he never got the free dinner he was promised. There is confusion about where the Monster Truckers are drinking tonight. But Alan is in good spirits. Clad in tiny underwear, he bounds out into the hallway, where Chris Arel, the event's organizer, and other VIPs are standing around. Alan yells out, "Hey Chris, where the party at? Where the party at?"

A strip club on Crescent - Midnight

The music at Teasers is loud and the dozen or so Monster Truckers in attendance aren't into answering questions anymore. Their heads dart around as if they've never seen naked women. The packed bar has a stage in the middle and lap-dance cubicles at either end. Big men lie on their backs on the stage with their feet dangling off the end and dollar bills in their mouths, giving the impression of beached whales. The dancer wriggles on top of them one at a time, yanking their shorts out of their pants wedgy-style before taking the proffered money in her own teeth.

My guys are more interested in a live lesbian-sex act on a couch a man has paid for several feet away. When it's over they applaud and cheer. A crew member buys his truck driver so many $10 lap dances I lose count. The crew hoot and holler, each hedging for a peek through the open cubicle doorway.

Saturday, Dec. 30 - Back at the Molson Centre

2 p.m.

Poor Valérie Limoges has a rough race. She starts off second-to-last, manages to inch up two places, then loses it, falling back to where she started. Her dad blames the kart and Valérie says she finds the guys too aggressive.

The disenchanted mother of another successful racer who is switching careers tells me things look grim for Valérie. "Valérie is 17, almost 20. At 20 the career is over. It's all about money now," she says. "Valérie would need a million dollars if she wanted to continue. Do you know there are eight-year-olds who put $30,000 into their karts? There's no limit! My son needs to dream of something else. He's going to try mountain bike racing."

3:10 p.m.

Bored with kart racing, I decide to interview the blonde woman in the spike heels. Sylvie Champagne, 27, has a background in doing makeup for other models, and has only just started modelling herself. She wants to get into acting in sci-fi movies and romances. She admits the heels are as hard as they look. Sylvie is watching the show with her bodyguard Carl Lachance, 21, a computer scientist. I ask Carl if he thinks Sylvie can make it as a big-time actress. "Certainly," he answers quickly.

3:45 p.m.

I think I damaged my eardrums while taking pictures of Awesome Kong. At intermission I ask the driver of Stone Cold, a large nerdy-looking guy, about his great performance. "I'm a head-liner," he boasts. "If you're a headliner you have to perform really well. Wherever you go you have to give them a little extra." But he admits his truck has something to do with it. "It's state-of- the-art," he says. "It's the best that money can buy."

4:30 p.m.

I head to the elevator with the driver of Demon and the husband and wife drivers of Awesome Kong and Fatal Beauty. They're on their way upstairs to sign autographs. Fatal Beauty, or Annette Blevins, 35, is one of the few woman Monster Truckers. Blevins, who has one green eye and one brown eye, is in a foul mood because she just had a bad run. But she insists she loves entertaining more than winning. "I've won a few races, but if you lose it's all in fun. Though a couple of the men get real serious about competing." She's also one of the few drivers who stretch their bodies before bouncing around in their truck. "It's hard on your whole body, but my neck and back are the worst.

Demon, 24, is one of the biggest drivers, and is having trouble walking, also due to back problems. We're late and the elevator keeps going to the wrong floor. It goes down when we want to go up and up when we want to go down. The scene reminds me of Spinal Tap when they can't find the stage. Finally, we make it to the autograph table, where the drivers mostly sign for kids accompanied by their fathers. G-Force's Alan Tura philosophizes about Monster Trucking while signing. "The best metaphor I have is the sheep dog and coyote cartoon. They punch in for work and try to kill each other for half an hour and then they punch out at the end."

5:05 p.m.

Five mechanics from three trucks are frantically working on Towasaurus, which blew its transmission in the last race. I tell the truck's driver, Jeff Bursey, that it's impressive how the different competitors help each other out. He's pumped. "You better believe it. There's not one of us could do it alone if it weren't for the other guys."

9:45 p.m. I'm tired and cold as I watch the final Monster Truck races. Towasaurus is up. He drives out well enough, but when it's time to jump the cars, all he can do is mount them before a thick column of smoke shoots up from the transmission. Towasaurus loses to Awesome Kong. Fatal Beauty regains some kick and beats Demon. I inwardly root for G-Force, who somehow beats WWF-sponsored The Rock. In the semi-finals, Awesome Kong beats Fatal Beauty, his wife, in the closest race of the show. He then beats G-Force, finishing at number one. Fans applaud, then race out of the Molson Centre like it's a high school fire drill.

10:30 p.m.

I stick around after the show long enough to get a photo of a completely flattened scrap car before a security guard tells me to leave. I pass Kenny, who--like all the other Monster Truckers--is working frantically so he can drive home all night to spend New Year's with his wife and kids. He says the only thing that could interfere with his plans is snow. Five minutes later I'm sliding around outside in the tail end of a whopper American snowstorm. :

The next Monster Truck show is at the Olympic Stadium May 26, and will also feature a tractor pull. Call (819) 479-7775 for details.