This week: The Christ snail, big billowy pirate shirts, cool sluts!

Plus: Information on cheating drug tests needed!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

I would just like to say that the Tea Party sucks ass. Who are they trying to be? Oh gee, Ian Astbury? Back in the heyday, the Cult was the epitome of hot men, with long black hair and big billowy pirate shirts and beautiful kerchiefs that make every young punk rock girl so horny with sexual desire. What is this dude from the Tea Party with his, "I'm walking wounded, oh baby, I'm making my voice sound really low because I think it's sexy"? Okay, Barry White already did that, honey. Tea Party suck. [BLEEP!]

M

Wyclef and Kenny Rogers. I just don't get it. [BLEEP!]

F

This is less of a rant than a kind of curious question that I have been wondering about for a long time. Why do musicians write songs that FADE OUT at the end? Because, like, at some point you're going to have to create an end to the song if you want to play it live. Why do songs fade out like that? It's so lame. They might as well just write an ending for it, you know? [BLEEP!]

M

Man, DJs have it made over us guys in bands. Think about it. When was the last time a turntable tried to force its creative, lame-ass ideas on you like drummers and bass players do? [BLEEP!]

F

Hi this is Lovechild and I just want to say that I'm with my brother and his best friend and my best friend and we're tripping hard, man--tripping fucking hard. And we just want to say to everybody in Montreal that you people rock and everything is good in the 'hood and we be chillin' like villains. Peace out, motherfuckers. [BLEEP!]

F

Hey, check this out. Bionic rules. I think weed is good and it should be legalized. Stop putting those fucking disgusting horrible fucking messages on the cigarette packs because what the fuck good is that? It's disgusting. And it makes me sick. I smoke and I'm going to quit when I want to quit and I don't need you to show me nasty things on my cigarette packs because it's my fucking choice to smoke, all right? Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, I'm in a bit of a bind here and I'm wondering if somebody at the Rant Line(TM) could help me out. I have to take a DRUG TEST for a new job I'm gonna be starting and the problem is I burn herb everyday. I'm wondering if somebody knows where I can get, like, a detoxifying something or other. I don't know, anything that'll help me pass. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, this is for the guy who was wondering a couple of weeks ago if it was wrong to fantasize about killing people who are using their cell phones on the bus? Definitely, man, it's wrong to fantasize about killing them. Live your fantasy, KILL THEM. That would be right. [BLEEP!]

M

Merry Christmas! I now proclaim the birth of the CHRIST SNAIL. I have an aquarium that has no snails but today, miraculously, on Christmas, a snail appeared in the aquarium and the snail is the Christ snail. It is a gift from God to all of us. It is an immaculate snail conception. I honestly have no idea how it got here. This snail has come to show us the ways of righteousness and truth. If anyone knows how snails can spontaneously appear in an aquarium, I'd like to know. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I was just calling to see what all other females think that SLUT means. Because I think being a slut is cool and I think it's a very fun job. (lots of giggling from caller and her girlfriends in the background) [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah I got a rant. It's about all these little 15-year-old, 14-year-old little whores who like to walk around the street looking all nice and sexy showing their ass and their tits and WHATNOT. Meanwhile, nice average society citizens give older guys like me shit for flirting with these tight little things. Now I don't think that's right. I'd like to know if I'm the only one on this. Get back to me. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. I was just wondering where there was a BOXING ring or gym in Montreal because I want to learn how to box. I haven't found anywhere to do it at and I have all the gear, just nowhere to use it. If anyone can help me out, that'd be great. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, this is for that 16-year-old girl who's having a little trouble getting laid. I'm a 16-year-old guy who's also having a little trouble getting into a relationship where sex is just for fun and I'd definitely like to bump into you sometime, if that could happen. [BLEEP!]

M

I wanted to open the debate on whether or not girls think guys who wear G-string underwear are sexy or not. I say yes, but my buddy says no. So for all the chicks out there who like a guy in G-string underwear, call in, okay? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum