Resolution rock
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Local rockers kid themselves while a new comp brings out the kids in them
by JOHNSON CUMMINS
Nobody I've ever known has been able to keep a New Year's resolution. Sorry to burst your little pink bubble there, Poindexter, but most of your flimsy resolutions will be discarded quicker than a used condom in a back alley off Crescent Street.
Hey, it's no big deal, just don't write a cheque your ass can't pay. If it makes you feel any better, I'll even jump off my high horsey for one teeny-weeny second and admit that I've never made it through half of New Year's Day without completely obliterating my weak promises to myself. Only the people with an iron-clad will can see these resolutions through. Who the hell thought up this promise business anyway, G. Gordon Liddy?
The favourite horse in this losing race to the unattainable self-betterment is the good old "I'm giving up cigarettes." Surely you know someone who's gone through two lighters on New Year's Eve trying to pull off this stunt. They're sucking on butts like Linda Lovelace on God's cock and taking in more smoke that an average Dio concert and why? Because they live in the illusion that tomorrow they will be smoke-free and meandering through fields of daisies as their soft pink lungs take in mountain-fresh air.
Look, it's okay if you don't make good on your resolutions, there's always tomorrow, right? Check out some of my own failed resolutions of New Years gone past:
1) Must stop calling in sick to work (Hey! I had a job once) and filling my days with General Hospital, pork rinds and masturbation.
2) Must quit using angel dust as a breakfast substitute.
3) Must stop telling people that I frequent fondue restaurants with Leslie Roberts and fondly call him "Bunzo" over cheese-dipped bread.
The list is endless and I'm still telling stories about me and Les going to primal-scream therapy classes, so 'nuff said.
Promises, promises
There are others as guilty as I am in this respect. In fact a whole bunch of rockers in denial will be assembled on one stage real soon. Foufounes Electriques is gearing up for a night of rock 'n' roll on Dec. 30, with a roster of a dozen bands. They're celebrating the launch of the Flashback compilation, featuring these Montreal bands doing different takes on Saturday morning cartoon themes. Seeing as resolution is weighing so heavily in everybody's minds lately, I decided to see what white lies these rock 'n' rollers will be telling themselves before the clock strikes midnight and ushers us into 2001.
Michel Langevin (Voivod drummer)
I will not try to turn Voivod into a rap-metal band and will hopefully become a 100 per cent vegetarian.
Joel Tremblay (Overbass' "other" bassist)
I guess I'm going to try to be more positive, write good songs, not drink too much. I don't know, I never make resolutions at New Year's. It's something I try to do all year round.
Johnny Lee (Kingpins guitarist)
Stop Smoking, stop drinking, stop making resolutions 'cause I never stick to 'em.
Jacko Flavor (Kingpins saxophonist)
Throw out all my white underwear, get e-mail, become a porn star.
Eric "Boum-Boum" Boulanger (Kingpins drummer)
Become 6'4" so I can be as tall as the rest of the band and learn how to play guitar so I can come up to the front of the stage.
Jordan Swift (Kingpins bassist)
I've learned better than to make resolutions! Maybe in the new year I'll give myself a cool nickname like the rest of my band.
Lorraine "Queen of Ska" (Kingpins vocaliser)
If I did resolutions it would be to "make this the year of the Kingpins (again)" and not to end up in a band with seven boys in it (again)... just kiddin'.
Gary Lyons (Ghoulunatics bassist)
I would like to get out and see more local bands in the new year and launch our record. I would also say that I'm going to give up smoking for the new year but that never works. I'm still smoking and I said I would quit last year. I really don't want to give up anything.
Christian Menard (Raid guitarist)
I am going to work on becoming a millionaire in 2001.
Nathalie Raymond (Kaleideoscopik View singer)
I want to get my license in 2001. I'm 25 so I guess it's time I should get it. If someone is too drunk I could drive them home, so it could come in handy. If there is a bad habit I should get rid of I guess it would be to stop criticizing people. I think it gets on my bandmates' nerves.
Uncle Costa (Vulgar Deli vocalist and friendly elf to children of all ages)
Johnson? Johnson who? You have two last names? What? My resolution? I don't fucking know. (hangs up)
Uncle Costa (again) Look, I'm really hung- over right now and I couldn't give a fuck about the new year. What? Give up drinking? Are you kidding?! That's the only way you can cure a hangover!
CD launch at Foufounes Electriques on Saturday, Dec. 30, 7pm, $12.50, with Cryterium, Vulgar Deli, Kaleidoskopik View, Ghoulunatics, June, Voivod, Arseniq 33, Obliveon, Raid, Anonymus, Kingpins, Overbass and a partridge in a fucking pear tree
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