If you're of the kind who isn't filled with Christmas cheer, this list is for you. Don't get me wrong: I love buying gifts for those I love. But I'm not one of those people who loves everyone. As far as I'm concerned, there are two kinds of people: those whose company you seek out and those you cross the street to avoid when you see them coming.

These tips are for the latter category. What better way to put someone off and stop any fantasies of a potential friendship than to send a nasty gift? Here are some absurd and inappropriate suggestions which will prove to be sure-fire intimacy stoppers.

S.O.S. pads are so very practical. And they feel wonderful on your skin. The card can read: "Thinking of you (and your pots and pans!)" Imagine the look on their face when they carefully open this up: they're bound to then open the actual box, assuming you must have packed the real gift inside. Sucker! The price is the best part: a box of 10 retails for a mere $1.99. The crank bargain of the millennium.

Spin-Fresh fragrant bathroom tissue holders are a truly vile little prezzie (they also work well as stocking stuffers). Why would anyone give this? It's a double-whammy for those you really find unsavoury: this gift will evoke images of excrement while also declaring, "You stink!" $3.49.

Again, thinking plain and practical can't be beat with good old Post-it Notes. Here's a gift that really says "You shouldn't have!" A mere $1.99 gets you a pack of 100. That's 100 memos your "friend" can leave for him- or herself. Though the Post-it people have branched out a bit and gone all creative, don't get any of the varying colours, just go for standard old yellow. Keep it nice and ordinary.

If you feel compelled to move beyond one-stop shopping and venture outside your local hardware store, I have a few additional book gift suggestions for you. Be warned: the following two celebrity-authored entries will only piss off people who have very good taste indeed. Anne Murray, who's currently gracing CNN with a heavily rotated ad for her latest CD, has created a book, What a Wonderful World (Balmur, hc, $29.95), inspired by the album of the same name. The book is full of Hallmarkesque images of Nova Scotia and each image is accompanied by a wisdom-laden lyric (one page reads simply: "For every heart that's lying in wait/Let there be love"). As Anne writes in her introduction, "'Inspiration' means different things to different people." Uh... yeah.

Those with taste will find even more shudder fodder in Celine Dion's memoir, My Story, My Dream (HarperCollins, hc, $35). The most cringe-worthy bits come in her photo gallery. Get a load of these captions, which appear underneath various photos: "When I was on the Tonight Show for the first time, Phil Collins said to me, 'We'll see you again,' to which I replied, 'You bet!'" Or, "At a dinner in Ottawa, [Princess Di and I] spoke about fashion and happiness. I found her very warm, but there was something deeper and very serious about her." Or this choice reflection: "I love fire as much as water. I love its reassuring presence, its color, and its scent." Way to wax philosophical, Celine!

Finally, if any of you readers happen, like me, to return to Alberta every Christmas season, I recommend buying the Penguin Classics version of The Communist Manifesto (pb, $8.95) in bulk. I can't think of a better way to dismay one of those irony-challenged, conservative assholes who actually voted for the Alliance.