Be warned: those born under the Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces signs have an uncanny ability to spot a fake when they smell one. And since water signs are notoriously moody, perceptive, irrational, passionate and enigmatic, the thing you don't want to do this holiday season is offend them with impersonal stock gift ideas like pot-pourri, ankle socks and electric razors. That said, the nebulous, sometimes-neurotic Water signs are also supposedly the worst at receiving gifts--their "oh-you-shouldn't-haves" border on pathological--so showering them with seasonal indulgences shouldn't be difficult. If you intend to keep these strange creatures around, you'd best get them something from the heart--which doesn't have to be as cheesy and difficult as it sounds. Here are a few pointers on how to calm their temperamental waves with ultimate oceanic offerings.



Careful, cozy Cancer

(June 21-July 22)

Cancers are notorious pack rats--they keep everything and forget nothing--so you can assume that anything you give them they will keep forever. Appeal to their penchant for the past with a memory-catcher like the toy-like I-Zone camera ($27) or the chunky old-school Polaroid camera ($49). Available at pharmacies.

Cancers are best understood through their ruling symbol, the crab. Crabs are nocturnal and cautious with an armoured shell and soft, fleshy insides. They're homebodies with a fine-tuned appreciation for all things cozy. Get these hermits a fuzzy mohair blanket ($139) available in black and vanilla from Club Monaco's new homewear store, Caban (777 Ste-Catherine W.). You can also appeal to their nostalgia with a pricey, retro Phantom Chair by Scandinavian design guru Verner Panton from Côté Ouest (5333 St-Laurent). Help lady Cancers keep their toes warm with Steve Madden Fun-fur slippers ($40)--available at department stores in dramatic prints like leopard and zebra as well as bubblegum and red.

Speaking of drama, Cancers tend to have an endearing love for theatre (and theatrics). They may appreciate a collection of plays by greats like Pinter, Wilde, Beckett or Brecht ($18-27). At Paragraph (2220 McGill College).

It's said that every Cancer is well-acquainted with their "inner child." Whether they're whiners, never stopped collecting G.I. Joes or still like to sleep in one-piecers, handmade toys from France, Germany and the Czech Republic should please them. Boutique Citrouille (206 Laurier W.) offers a wide selection of humming tops ($19), cloth figurine sets ($30-80), wooden trains ($20-50) and perfectly engineered German toys.



Sexy, stormy Scorpio

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scorpios are supposedly the most passionate, stormy and sensitive sign of the zodiac and choosing gifts for these types can be tricky--on the one hand you have an easily hurt lovebunny, on the other, a tempestuous individual. Ruled by Mars and their loins, for a Scorpio to feel sexy, it all depends on what they're wearing underneath. Get boys Diesel boxer-briefs ($30) in black, of course. For the ladies get simple, seductive gear like a dark-coloured designer bra and panty set ($40-60). Available at Simons (977 Ste-Catherine W.).

You can indulge Scorpio's love of intrigue and scandal with a new release about a great political mystery, Watergate; Leonard Garment's In Search of Deep Throat ($37) purports to uncover a little something new. From Indigo (1500 McGill College). For the more kid-like, check out used bookstores for vintage '60s copies of Nancy Drew and Hardy Boy mysteries.

Whether it's eavesdropping in cafés or peeking through back-alley fences, every Scorpio has an inner sleuth (or snoop). If you're inclined to encourage that side of them, make them a home-made detective kit: black notebook ($5), dollar-store sunglasses ($1) and binoculars ($20+ at Maison de la Jumelle, 7974 St-Hubert).

For the cinematically inclined Scorpios, get them in touch with their very-dark side with a copy of the 1970 German porn classic Vampyros Lesbos ($41 on DVD) from Boîte Noire (4450 St-Denis). There's no shortage of paraphernalia and soundtracks ($22 at HMV) to flank this centrepiece gift with.



Pleasant, unpredictable Pisces

(Feb. 19-March 20)

It's not unlikely to find a Pisces who is simultaneously an artist, lawyer and a master equestrian. Being the last sign of the zodiac, Pisces are supposedly a combination of all the other signs. These highly imaginative, sometimes-flaky types tend toward selflessness--to a fault. So spoil them with presents that they can't try to share with you.

Since Pisces are always on the go, help them keep in touch with a Wonder Woman or Superman address book ($21) from Mojo (3968 St-Laurent). Similar kitschy stuff can be found at the heavenly toy store Farfelu (843 Mont-Royal E.).

Help reacquaint Pisces with their element with a gift certificate for a session at Ovarium ($45/hour, 400 Beaubien E.). This concept spa is known for their floating baths: sensory-deprivation tanks filled with Dead Sea salt water that you naturally float in. Also on the fishy tip, most homewear stores have no shortage of fish-themed stuff to buy. Zone (4246 St-Denis) offers up gorgeous Sushi-2-Go kits ($35) for at-home sushi fiends, as well as individual fish-shaped chopstick holders ($1.50). Down the street you can find fishy bathing props from Paris like a terry-cloth washing glove ($4-5) and bathrobes ($85) at Carré blanc (3999 St-Denis).

If any sign is an incurable romantic, it's Pisces--though you'd never know it. Spoil them with smart, lyrical poems from Nobel-Prize-winner Pablo Neruda's Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair ($20). Since Pisces are notorious chameleons, they may appreciate the poetry of literary prism Fernando Pessoa who wrote under 80 heteronyms in his lifetime. Both available at Paragraph.