This week: Bad bad junk, DJ Rectangle, Mr. Breeder!

Plus: Xmas nuclear caterpillars' nests!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F

Hey, I was on the bus the other day and I found a case full of CDs. Inside, there was a burnt CD by someone named DJ Rectangle, who I'd never heard of before in my life. This guy is fucking wicked! If anyone knows who DJ Rectangle is, please let me know, because I have lots of parties and I would like to hire him. Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F

It's a sad day when car commercials have better music than all the fucking Montreal radio stations combined. [BLEEP!]

F

This is a rant about St-Laurent street's stupid CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS. What the hell is going on? On one side of the street, we have nuclear caterpillars' NESTS and the other side of the street, someone has tied their sheets to several trees and lampposts. What the hell is wrong with these people? Can't they put up normal lights? Pretty. Christmas-y. Traditional. I don't know, something a little nostalgic? That load of crap is not even artistic. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M

This is in response to the STRAIGHTIE who's having trouble getting into Unity because he's fucking scared of giving somebody a little kiss. Well, MR. BREEDER, you shouldn't be going to gay clubs anyway. They're for gay, open-minded people. People who like to have fun and don't care about kissing who's who and what's what. [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the girl who thinks straight people should stay out of the gay village. What the fuck? I'm straight and I go there all the time. I know that you don't want people to discriminate against you, but don't you think that by telling us you don't want us there, you're being just as discriminating? Maybe it would be better if you started practicing tolerance and respect and then you'll get some in return. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F

I would just like to know if anyone could tell me how, in this city, to meet a really, really RICH GUY with real money willing to spend it on a beautiful young girl who is, like, extremely SEXUALLY TALENTED. I am trying to meet a guy like that and it's impossible and I have no idea where to go. So if you could help me, that would be really cool. [BLEEP!]

M

I wonder if the 16-year-old girl who called on the 30th of November--she wanted to get fucked--I wonder whether she has found someone. Good luck to her. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, this is for the girl who sent the message for all her fellow JUNKIES in Montreal. I so can relate because I don't know what the fuck is up. The heroin in this town just sucks! And every time I try to buy it, they tell me I have to go to the shooting gallery, which is where? I don't know where because, like, I'm from Vancouver. But you are so right, the stuff is like FLOUR or something. So I'm totally with you and we have to get together and find a place to get good heroin. [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I don't know about this SOLIDARITY among junkies. I think that solidarity among people who fucking hate junkies would be a lot more useful. I live near Mont-Royal and St-Laurent and three times they've tried to break into my house, all because there's a fucking methadone clinic on St-Laurent and Mont-Royal. It's just been fucking non-stop, fucking needles in the alley, junkies all over the place. It's really not fun. The cops should not spend any time busting people for pot and other FRIENDLY DRUGS but instead spend all their time on fucking heroin, because it's just getting seriously out of hand. Don't we all hate these fucking junkies and this junk crap? We've lost friends to it, people die, people get robbed, people freeze and fucking shoot up in fucking minus-20-degree weather. I don't think that the junkies need to bond together for any kind of anything, man. I think they should all just go and fucking die. [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the girl who was asking about whether or not it's safe to sleep with TAMPONS. Well, tampons in general are not very safe because they're made of rayon, which causes tons of bacteria to breed and can give you all kinds of nasty stuff, the worst of which is toxic shock syndrome, from which you can die. Fortunately, you can buy 100 per cent cotton tampons at most health food stores. Also, what works very well is a slightly damp sea sponge, which you can wash and reuse. [BLEEP!]

F

Tampons are never safe so we can just let it FLOW. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi. Me and my roommate have just smoked a joint and a thought just popped into my friend's mind and it was--where exactly do FINGERNAILS come from? Like, where do nails, in general, come from? Like, do they grow out of your bone? Do they grow out of your skin? Is it like some sort of cartilage that just grows out of hands? I don't know. Does it collect underneath? Like, what is it? We need to know. This is, like, important. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.