This week: Junkie solidarity, guitar thieves, tampons, leather pants!

Plus: Missing cats tied to City Hall!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Hello, I'm calling about the recent rant about English MCs and how the reason they get dissed is not because they're English but because they're WHACK. I was wondering if someone could please clarify what is meant by whack. Because I was under the impression that whack was a good thing, like THE SHIT is a good thing and THE BOMB is a good thing. Perhaps whack has multiple meanings? [BLEEP!]

M (rapping)

You got some nerve calling up the Rant Line(TM)/Talking about how English MCs can't rhyme/It's okay, I overstand your need to disrespect/'Cuz y'all can only blow up in France and Quebec/Now that's just a simple freestyle off the top of my head/If I take the time to sit down and write something, you're dead/Because my style is much more complex than this here text/I'm just waiting for your response, then you'll see what's next. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, this is Doug from Veronica Speedwell. I want to talk to the guy whose name may or may not be Marty, who walked out of the Reggie's Jam Night last Wednesday with my bass. Remember Marty, you were telling me about your guitar? You were drunkenly SPITTING when you spoke? Then when you left, you decided the best thing to do would be to steal my bass. What the fuck were you thinking, man? If I find you--and I think I can--then I'll press charges. Man, you don't want that, that's pretty fucking serious. Just bring my bass back to Concordia security and that's it, it's over. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the person who went to Unity a few Fridays ago and talked about the transvestite at the door. Listen, it's a gay club! If you don't like it, don't come to it. You're straight, stay in the straight fucking section of town, buddy boy, and leave us all alone, okay? Or buddy girls, whatever you may be. You're straight, stay there. Leave us alone. [BLEEP!]

F

I just want to put the word out that something really fucked up is going on in NDG. In three weeks, there have been over 100 CATS nabbed out of yards, out of alleys etc. And there are a whole bunch of people who are very upset, including myself. And if anyone has an idea as to what is going on--like people who are in university and know of lab experiments or some such thing--please call the Rant Line(TM). It's probably some fucked-up psycho who is doing this shit but it would help to know so we can end this. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, I have a message for all my fellow JUNKIES here in Montreal. The so-called heroin--and I use the term loosely--that's been floating around town for the past couple of months is crap, okay? I have a small habit and I just shot up an entire point hoping--HOPING--to get a small rush and my pupils are still big black marbles. What the hell? And beware, because there are other dealers trying to push some so-called good stuff. Well, my friend and I paid $40 for this good stuff and it gave us headaches and nausea. Great! I think we should all join together in SOLIDARITY and stick to our methadone programs. Yeah! [BLEEP!]

F

Yes, I'm leaving a rant in response to the CATS missing in NDG. The same thing happened in Verdun. Cats mysteriously disappeared and we then found out that it was people going around with cages in their pick-up trucks collecting the cats and then dropping them off at CITY HALL. And there was another drop-off centre where they would leave the cats in the sunlight all day long with no food and no water. There was, also, another truck that was going around that was picking up cats and bringing them to laboratories. So that might be the situation in NDG, which happened already in Verdun. They said it was due to the overpopulation of cats. It hasn't happened in a while. Maybe it is still happening but nobody's noticing it in Verdun West. It could be happening in the central part of Verdun or maybe now they moved to NDG. [BLEEP!]

F

This is to that dumbfuck bitch who thinks that blind people are a waste of space. Why don't we just dig a big fat hole for the blind to be thrown into or, better yet, equip every doctor with a fucking shotgun so that the second someone's considered legally blind, they can get shot in the fucking head? What the hell is wrong with people like you, fuck? You should go blind, fuck, so we can shit all over you and tell you to go find yourself a fucking chauffeur. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M

Masturbation can be dangerous if you don't get enough of the real thing to go along with it. So beware! [BLEEP!]

F

Okay, somebody tell me. What's the deal with sleeping with tampons? Is it safe or unsafe? I'd like to know. Thanks a lot. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M

This is a rant for the guy who seems to misunderstand his Power Rangers. Obviously, the young'un started watching it fairly recently because, in the original, the white American guy was blue, the white American girl was pink but the Chinese--or, actually, I believe she was Vietnamese--woman morphed into a YELLOW MAN. She'd do a little morphing thing and her tits would disappear and she'd get a nice big bulge in her pants. So, yeah, they're mighty morphin' Power Transvestites. [BLEEP!]

M

People, just because you can afford LEATHER PANTS doesn't mean you should wear leather pants. Please, come on. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.