Dead things

>> Coping with corpses is not for the squeamish

By CHRIS BARRY

Name: Elise Briand

Official job title:: Funeral Director/Embalmer

Current place of employment: Mount Royal Funeral Complex

Age: 28

Salary: $30,000-35,000 par annum

Bio: This foxy Dorval resident has been selling crypts, stuffing corpses and arranging funerals since the tender age of 20. Originally from the Gaspé Peninsula, the teenage Elise left home at 17 to enroll in embalming college and satisfy her craving for all things anatomical. Since then she has been beautifying corpses all over the province--from the lower St. Lawrence to the Eastern Townships to Montreal--and has expertly guided many a grieving family through the trying ordeal of discarding with their dead. A sympathetic, considerate and talented artiste, this gal can work even the most disfigured corpse into a thing of splendour and will soon be imparting her knowledge of all-things-funeral-related to young hopefuls at Rosemount College.

Professional code of honour: Be sensitive and caring.

Quote: "A lot of people have the wrong impression about funeral directors. I'm a very normal person. I'm as traditional as they come."

Preferred reading material: Readers Digest, Archie comics--nothing too long.

Musical preferences: Absolutely adores Canadian music: Corey Hart, Bryan Adams, Jann Arden.

Best part of the job: Being able to comfort families in their time of need.

Percentage of families in their time of need who crack jokes while arranging for their loved ones' funerals: Approximately 33.3 per cent

Number of times she has shared a really good belly laugh with a wise-cracking mourner: "It's not the prudent thing to do."

On her relationship with corpses: "A corpse in its natural state is really just like a piece of meat--and I say this with no disrespect to the deceased--but it is a dead thing. You can see that the soul has gone and it is no longer a person. I am very comfortable around them."

How often she finds herself fantasizing about sex while at work: Never

Favourite Film: The Exorcist

Philosophy: What goes around comes around.

Necrophiliacs she knows who work in the field: None

On Goth fans trying to break into the business: "Every year there are always a few pasty-faced kids dressed in black who initially enroll in the funeral directing program because I suppose they think it's cool, or weird or something. But they almost always drop out after the first couple of semesters once they discover that there is nothing particularly sensational about it."

Has she ever been spooked on the job: The first time closing up shop alone in a new place of employment can sometimes be a little harrowing. "It's like moving in to a new house and becoming familiar with all the squeaks and noises of the house--only it's a little more intense because it is, after all, a funeral parlour."

Number of ghosts she has run into: None. But the big joke around the parlour goes that "if you don't believe in ghosts, then you've obviously never been around here at quitting time."

Favourite Addams Family character: Lurch

Philosophy: Live for today.

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