Silent night, holy nightmare

>> The sound of Christmas evil

by JOHNSON CUMMINS

-- Annie Dufresne eyes the linguistic divide -- Genetically programmed for your listening pleasure -- Depressing sounds for the holidays -- Electronic sounds for the hard-to-please -- The sound of Christmas evil -- This year's bumper crop of comp CDs made easy -- DJ sets in your Discman this season -- Stuffing the R&B renaissance in your stocking -- Country cracker Christmas -- This holiday season, rock the Chanukah bush in style -- Some seasonal jazz hints -- Yuletide mood swings

Most metal dudes and dudettes are spittin' pea soup with excitement at all of the new blasphemous metal hitting the racks this Christmas. If you really want the black metalist on your list to grunt with pleasure, shove some of these black lumps of coal in their stocking.

The biggest prize hittin' the shelves in time for this festive and joyous holiday is the massive, three-CD set Doomed, the first release for label The Dark Reign and one of the best compilations to come out this year. With over 44 bands making an appearance, this proves to be an excellent gift idea for any Satanic misanthrope. Doomed hits the complete spectrum of black metal, extreme, stoner, noise and more, with tracks from Angelrot, Cathedral, Puny Human, Orange Goblin etc.

"Lay the sweet baby Jesus in a cradle of... filth!" Another big item on most metalheads' wish list on this celebration of the birth of the baby Jesus is Midian, by Cradle of Filth. Why not replace those tired carol-singing sessions with some good ol' grunting along to Cradle of Filth's tender ballads "Lord Abortion," "Satanic Mantra," "Amor E Morte" and my personal favourite, "Death Magick for Adepts."

How about Six Feet Under's new CD Graveyard Classics, with their versions of a dozen heaviostic chestnuts? Hear them brutalize classics like Black Sabbath's "Sweet Leaf," AC/DC's "TNT," Deep Purple's "Smoke On the Water," Hendrix's "Purple Haze" and Venom's classic "In League With Satan."

Goatsnake's Flower of Disease is a sure bet for anyone who wants to turn on, tune down and doom out. Former members of Scream, Wool, the Obsessed and Burning Witch slow it down and turn it up with oozing heaviness on songs like "Live to Die" and "Prayer for a Dying."

Lamb of God's New American Gospel is one of the best metal releases of the year and deserves to be underneath the tree. A pummeling array of technical proficiency slammed home with songs like "The Subtle Arts of Murder and Persuasion," "In the Absence of the Sacred" and "Letter To the Unborn."

Another metal band known for its technical prowess is Montreal's own Cryptopsy, who've been wowing the metal crowd since their debut Blasphemy Made Flesh. Their new CD And Then You'll Beg promises to be their "most vile CD yet." Yippie!

If that special someone you're buying for is a bookworm, why not get him Lords of Chaos from Feral House. Written by Michael Moynihan and Didrik Soderlind, this book documents the true events of Norwegian death metal bands Burzum, Emperor and Mayhem and their involvement in murder and church-burning, and their subsequent convictions. Watch your lucky metalhead curl up with the book on Christmas morning as he repeatedly mutters, "What the fuck?" to himself.

You don't want to be stuck on Christmas morning with egg (nog) on your face when your gift recipient rips open the wrapping only to discover you got him something that sucks. "I said Satan, not Santana!" Make sure Satan Clause has remembered to check his list to see who has been naughty and evil, and may everybody's Christmas be black.