This week: Door transvestites, missing cats, the blind!

Plus: Beautiful 16-year-old girl with urgent problem!!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Okay, yo, this goes out to all the English MCs who keep bitchin' about how they get dissed in this city. The reason you get dissed isn't because you're English--it's because you're WHACK. If all you whiners would spend half as much time writing good rhymes as you do calling the Rant Line(TM) and acting like babies, maybe you'd be good. So I think you should just stop talking like your shit is the shit, 'cuz your shit is just shit. So take your shit and shove it in your shit and smoke it. [BLEEP!]

M

Hello, would somebody please be so kind as to let the DOGS back IN? Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M

I've lived in NDG all my life and CRACK ROCK does not just exist in that crack tower on Girouard. It's all over the place. And the people who opened the Instabank across the street, they knew what they were doing. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey, I smoke crack rock because I like it, motherfucker! I don't go judging you so don't go judging me, you fucking ass! [BLEEP!]

F

I just want to put the word out that something really fucked up is going on in NDG. In three weeks, there have been over 100 CATS nabbed out of yards, out of alleys etc. And there are a whole bunch of people who are very upset, including myself. And if anyone has an idea as to what is going on--like people who are in university and know of lab experiments or some such thing--please call the Rant Line(TM). It's probably some fucked-up psycho who is doing this shit but it would help to know so we can end this. [BLEEP!]

F

Man, I'm calling in about the person who said psychedelic trance sucks. Man, like, whatever. Like, it has seduced our youth into a drug-induced oblivion? Like, whatever man. The name is acid trance and there is a reason for that. Acid trance. Acid trance. Long live the true trip! Stop having your bad flashbacks. [BLEEP!]

M

Hi, I'm pissed off. It's not enough that this city is full of BIKE THIEVES, but when the city steals the bike rack that your bike is locked to, that really sucks. I'm angry! [BLEEP!]

M

Yeah, I was at the Unity on Friday night. I'm perfectly straight but I have friends who go there and enjoy it so that's the thing, you know what I'm saying? But I think they need to get somebody new at the door to let people in, because that transvestite asking for kisses is whack. What, just because I wouldn't kiss him or her, I can't get in? Just because I'm straight I can't get into a motherfucking club?! Bullshit! I've been in there before and never been bothered by no DOOR TRANSVESTITE. What is going on now?! They need to get somebody new for that because for real somebody is going to get slapped one day. Not by me, but I'm sure it's going to happen sooner or later. [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, this is in response to the rant about PEE curing foot warts. Pee kills athlete's foot, which is a fungus, but warts are a virus. So anyone out there with warts can pee all over themselves and they're just going to stink. [BLEEP!]

F

I need to get fucked! Please! I'm 16, beautiful and horny and I can't get laid. What the fuck? [BLEEP!]

F

Hello? Hello? It's the middle of the night and I live alone and I'm scared. [BLEEP!]

F

Sometimes when my dink gets hard I rub it and it feels good. Okay, bye. [BLEEP!]

F

I don't want to come off sounding like a bitch or anything, but I've got a serious rant for all these useless BLIND PEOPLE who ride on the 105 bus. A lot of these individuals get really mad if you don't give up your seat for them and their stupid dogs, and it takes them a year just to get on and off the bus 'cuz they can't see where they're fucking going. It's not cool. These blind people think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread just because they can't see! Every morning I'm late for school 'cuz I've got to wait for these fuckers to figure out how to get on and off the bus and it pisses me off. I mean, these people shouldn't be allowed on the same buses as regular people, man. They should just walk or have somebody drive them to where they're going. I'm usually a very TOLERANT person, but a lot these blind people just totally piss me off. That's all. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

Hello, my name is Ghetto Blaster and I'm calling just to tell you about something I've noticed. When the Power Rangers morph, the white American guy is blue, the white American girl is pink, the Chinese guy is yellow, the Indian is red, the black guy is black and I don't know what's up with that. What kind of Nazi came up with that? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.