Extremely extreme

>> Cheap and stupid winter sports for one and all

by JOHNSON CUMMINS

-Enter spa-land -Spa luxury at home -Totally radical extreme snowboarding -Cheap and stupid winter sports -Terrific spots for tea-totallers -Pick knitting -The Rheostatics' Dave Bidini searches for The Tropic of Hockey.

To get real extreme this winter you don't have to stumble any further then your nearest golf course. Look for the steepest tree-lined hill you can find and christen it with a scary name. Remember, the name should aptly describe any signature in the terrain of the hill. Here are some suggestions: "Wolf's Fang," "Devil's Elbow" or, if it has an especially harrowing jump at the end of it, "The Nut Cracker." Use your imagination.

Next step is to ply yourself with copious amounts of Dutch courage. I recommend grain alcohol, not to the point of going blind but just until things get a bit blurry

Then, take an oversized truck tire tube and fill every available surface with your drunken lout friends. Look out for low-lying wire and hold on for dear life. Remember, it's not extreme winter fun unless someone breaks a rib. Also, check garage sales for those plastic magic carpet things. I don't know who the cruel inventor of this death trap was, but I've yet to see anybody make it all the way down a hill riding one.

Don't have a hill in your close proximity? No worries, mate. Try finding those Ronco Super Slider Snow Skates in your parents' attic. Just strap these little puppies on and try to go in any direction. Good luck, because they have a mind of their own and make it physically impossible to go anywhere but on your ass. How extreme! But more importantly, how cheap!

On a more professional level, Diz owner Scott Arkin and his friends like to go snow towing, which entails hanging on to a water-skiing rope on a snowboard, tire tube or whatever while your buddy does donuts in a pick up truck. Feels like a full-body massage with a brillo pad!

Meanwhile, if you are indeed stupid but not cheap, you can pick up a pair of real snow skates, which are about the size of a skateboard, with no bindings to attach you à la skateboarding. Another popular snowboarding game is called Bordercross, which is when six or so snowboarders race down a hill side by side to a finish line. The object is to make sure you take out as many of your opponents with full contact. As with all of these winter hijinx, it's not who wins, it's how many teeth you break.

Awright you kooky funsters, you're all set so break a leg.