This week: Foot wart remedies, Tom Cochrane, dope smoking magicians wanted!

Plus: Ode to Rachel, the whore of the Main!

"edited" by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M

Hi, this is Roger from Rhythm Mercenaries. I'm just calling to say that I'm saddened by the fact that people feel that they're getting disrespected by French MCs and DJs in this city. We've been a band for about two years and have never, ever been disrespected by French MCs or DJs. And people who think it's their fault are fucked up because it's the industry that's disrespecting you, not the artists. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M

Yo, this is going out to the chick who was saying that there were no English MCs getting exposure here. Basically, I think it's a load of CRAP. There's a lot of English bands and hip hop projects out there that are looking for really cool female singers to grab the mic. It's a load of bullshit that you can't find anything. Ciao, peace. [BLEEP!]

M

This is in response to the girl saying she's an anglo MC up here in Montreal and feeling pretty lost. I just got up here myself and all I can find so far is GANGSTAS and francophones and I can't really understand either one of them. So if somebody could clue me in as to where to find all the intelligent anglo MCs, that'd be fucking awesome. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F

What the fuck is up with Montreal and Tom Cochrane? Every time I turn on the radio--to the only two radio stations in the city--they're always playing Tom Cochrane. Do they think this is good music? What's with these people? [BLEEP!]

M

Okay, what gives? I'm really mad. When I finish work I go to smoke a joint at the statue right at Dominion Square and some bastard has come along and tagged it. He didn't even tag it well. There's no quality graffiti on that, it's just a bunch of shit. I want these criminals to stop doing this shit on my place to smoke joints. Goddamn them! [BLEEP!]

F

This is for the person who called in about taking care of warts naturally. They can do it with the stems of fresh DANDELIONS. It says right here: (reading) "The white latex of white dandelions is the best thing ever found for treating warts. Apply topically three times a day for seven to 10 days and the warts will turn black and fall off." So they're a bit out of luck now because it's fall but come spring, they can pick a bunch of dandelion and squeeze the milky stuff out of the stem onto their wart and it should fall off. [BLEEP!]

F

Hi, I'm calling about the cure for foot warts. Everyone should know this and I think everyone maybe does but they just want to deny it because it might sound disgusting but the cure for foot warts is to PEE on your feet in the shower. Total disinfectant, cures any fungus. Do it up. [BLEEP!]

M

Hey yo, I'm looking for people to play MAGIC with who aren't fucking losers or geeks and who know how to play. And you've also got to smoke dope--a lot of fucking dope! I don't want to play with people who don't smoke dope, but if you want to play Magic and get stoned then call me. Later. [BLEEP!]

F

I want to leave a rant about a so-called Montreal institution, Ben's Deli. Some friends and I went there and it was horrible--way overpriced and disgusting. And the SURLY waiter demanded that we leave him a tip! As a student who doesn't have a lot of money to spend on food, I would like to be able to get food that is not disgusting like at Ben's. This so-called institution is an embarrassment! [BLEEP!]

F

Yeah, I just want to say that this is for all the people who live in the Ghetto. I was just stopped by some meddling old BIDDY with a gigantic Ogilvy bag who decided to take issue with the fact that I was putting my garbage out on Sunday night instead of Monday morning. And she told me that all the students at McGill were barbarians. At which point I got really angry with her and told her she should judge us as individuals and not as a group. But I just thought how dare she--a fucking Westmount dweller with a huge sense of entitlement. All you people who live in the Ghetto and think the students are barbarians, look around you, you know, we're not ALL idiots. [BLEEP!]

M

This is for Rachel, that gorgeous chick who's doing the corners of Ste-Catherine and St-Laurent. She's a hooker but, wow, is she hot! She's got the best tits in the world. This is for her: Is it Rachel? Rachelle?/Can't tell, oh well/ Marilyn-Manson-like scars on your arm/Which motherfucker did you that harm?/You are sweet and kind, I wanna meet your kind/What a find, you are fine/Your beauty is soul-deep/Into my heart you seep/I weep at the thought of you being hurt/Your precious blood spilled into the dirt of this pretty shitty city/Be careful, I know you will/Be aware-ful, don't be a kill/Stash cash inside your cute boots /Do you have a wimp pimp who crimps your style while piles of funny honey money fattens his lean, mean jeans? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum.